In this, the landmark twentieth episode of Audio Assault, Jere and Oswald dissect Kanye’s new masterpiece and the latest installment of the Harry Potter franchise. Plus: Oswald interviews Miss Alex White of White Mystery -- they talk about booking shows, writing songs, and making buttons.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yE9gh4COMdI

In this episode of Audio Assault, the gang discusses: Justin Bieber’s mom, the relative hotness of JWOWW, After Party Timmy’s one degree of separation from Nelly Furtado, stealing CDs from Wal Mart, Charlie Murphy, cocaine, Oswald’s quest to destroy Kelly Osbourne, stuff that’s on the internet, Bob Lefsetz, zines, the Zune phone, the new Kings Of Leon album, the awesomeness of White Mystery, Jere’s penis, iPhone vs. Droid, the pros and cons of owning a migrant worker and an apple tree,  our Halloween costumes, Twitter meet-ups, Tim’s balls, and The Haircut Danger Zone.

Picks & Dicks:

• Jere: Shakira’s new album, Apple AirPort Express
• Tim: the new Kings Of Leon album, DaFont.com, bands with lame press shots
• Oswald: the new Young Werewolves album, on demand programming, the Sarah Silverman Program, SuperCuts.

Show Music:

• The Young Werewolves – “Midnight Monster Hop”
• Nine Inch Nails – “The Perfect Drug”
• Kings Of Leon – “No Money”

That’s right – everybody’s favorite scuzzy brother/sister garage combo are preparing to lay it down all across the nation! (“It” being some of the most ridiculously awesome noise put to tape this year.) I have no problem recommending this band to you, but meet me halfway and exercise some caution when you actually check ‘em out: their songs have been known to spark riots when introduced to otherwise tranquil environments. Take two Ambiens before you press play.

White Mystery tour dates:

Jul 27 2010 9:00P The Turf Club Minneapolis, MN
Jul 29 2010 9:00P Gallery Show Missoula, MT
Jul 31 2010 8:30P KEXP Seattle Radio Seattle, WA
Jul 31 2010 10:00P The Funhouse Seattle, Wa
Aug 1 2010 9:00P Slabtown Portland, OR
Aug 2 2010 9:00P East End Portland, OR
Aug 3 2010 9:00P Johnny B’s Medford, OR
Aug 5 2010 9:00P The Hemlock San Francisco, CA
Aug 6 2010 11:00P Ghost Town Oakland, CA
Aug 7 2010 9:00P El Rio San Francisco, CA
Aug 8 2010 9:00P Redwoods Los Angeles, CA
Aug 9 2010 8:00P The Soda Bar San Diego, CA
Aug 10 2010 2:00P Cheap Tricks El Centro, CA
Aug 12 2010 8:00P Beerland Austin, TX
Aug 13 2010 9:00P Saturn Bar New Orleans, LA
Aug 14 2010 9:00P Glenn Danzig’s House Nashville, TN

Read our review of White Mystery’s excellent record HERE.
Sign up for the band’s mailing list HERE.
Peruse the band’s recently re-designed website HERE.

Here at Assault HQ, we know how difficult it is to plan a weekend in Chicago. With so much good live music to choose from (and so much alcohol to drink to while you listen), who can decide? We can. Just follow this itinerary and you’re guaranteed an awesome time:

FRIDAY:

Dust off your machetes and machine guns: Direct Hit! are coming to town again. This time they’re playing at infamous Logan Square uber-dive Ronny’s. Also on the bill: The Sky We Scrape, Red City Radio, The Please & Thank Yous, and Tension Generation. Can’t vouch for any of those other guys (although I genuinely looking forward to experiencing them this evening), but you NEED to see Direct Hit!. You need to see them NOW. They are tighter than fuck, and they are hilarious. And DH! mastermind Nick Woods is a genius-level pop-punk songwriter. They’re still riding the buzz from #4, their blockbuster EP from earlier this year. The show starts at 6 and it’s all ages, although you probably don’t want to bring your kids here.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4l-ePeq8bI

Later on in the night: That Ronny’s show is pretty early, so you should have plenty of time to catch White Mystery at Crown Liquors on Milwaukee -- also in Logan Square, which is kinda serendipitous. On the bill: Kommie Kilpatrick, Tender, The Amoebas, and Blasted Diplomats. If you’ve never experienced the magic of White Mystery live, do yourself two favors. First, pick up a copy of their recent full-length debut. Second, come to this show tonight and get your brain exploded and your sensitive spaces filled with demonic ginger seed. WM are the real deal. Show starts at 9pm, and there’s a $7 cover.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ix1YYSB1g80

SATURDAY:

My buddy at NoVo hipped me to a pretty cool show on Saturday, and now I’m gonna recommend it to you. Haven’t caught these acts live, but I perused their MySpace pages and all of them make some pretty unique sounds that should set your ears pleasurably a-tingle. Who are they, you ask? I answer: Pretty Little Empire, Brendan Losch, and David Safran. They all lean towards the quiet and agreeably weird, which is a pretty ringing endorsement coming from me (now that I’m old and can’t handle the spazzy stuff [If I could go off on a tangent here, and I think I can since you're not paying attention, I tried to spin Animal Collective's Strawberry Jam the other day and had to turn it off halfway through because it was irritating the holy shit out of me; I'm not sure if it's because I tried to play it during an intense Scrabble jam, or because my ears simply can't tolerate that level of chaos anymore, but Jesus Christ. I'm pretty sure we'll all look at Animal Collective in twenty years the way most rational people view the Grateful Dead: you had to be there, and you had to be on something {anything!}]). Anyways, this promises to be a solid, low-key show, and the perfect way to settle down after getting aurally gang-raped by the deviant bastards in Direct Hit! and White Mystery. It’s at the Chopin Theater, doors open at 9:30, and there’s a $6 cover charge (plus, as the press release so helpfully informs me, a cash bar). It’s 21+ so the kids are gonna need a sitter, again.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=WG4Rgtxd_N0

SUNDAY:

Sunday is Mother’s Day, which means you gotta spend some time with the woman that birthed you into this cacophonous and disorienting place we call “the world.” So do that -- take her out to brunch at Golden Corral, take her to see Iron Man 2, maybe even escort her to the church of her choice. But once you’re done with that, get ready to lose your goddamn shit: Converge is playing the Bottom Lounge. These hardcore legends will basically do to you what Jeffrey Dahmer did to really unlucky dudes in Milwaukee, and you’re gonna love it. Also on the bill: Coalesce, Black Breath, and Lewd Acts. If that doesn’t trigger your boner-reflex, you might need to see a doctor. This show is all ages, so bring the whole family, and it starts at the reasonable hour of 5pm. Tickets are $16. Get ready for your acid bath!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jjBinzryFY

White Mystery really sound like Chicago. Their murkily recorded primal noise is the aural equivalent of dimly-lit bars and sludge-strewn winter streets; this is some serious fight music. The latest project from Alex White (of Miss Alex White & The Red Orchestra), White Mystery pairs her ferocious, distortion-drenched guitar leads leads and snarled/shouted vocals with brother Francis’s propulsive drumming. So, yeah, it’s a brother/sister garage rock band, and their last name is White. Whatever -- this is like the White Stripes circa-De Stijl, right before they started writing “real” songs and mostly aimed to create the most vicious electric blues racket possible, with occasional dollops of melodic sweetness to make it all officially boss.

WHITE MYSTERY LIVE AT RECKLESS RECORDS IN CHICAGO 3/14/10 PHOTO BY MATT JENCIK

But enough about the other White band. White Mystery are their own group, with their floppy red hair (seriously) and distinctly Chicago aesthetic -- the fourteen songs featured here are all authentically rude and no-bullshit in their approach and attack, clocking in at just a hair over thirty minutes. “White Widow” begins the assault at full force -- mere seconds after pressing “play” and you are White Mystery’s bitch. The main lyrical theme -- “You can’t tell us what to do!” -- appears here and guides the rest of the album like a mission statement.

With the sheer number of songs here (and their obvious sonic similarity to each other), I figured this thing would chunk out about halfway through and become a snooze. But no, some of the most serious piledrivers dominate the back half -- “Don’t Hold My Hand,” “Halloween,” and “Respect Yourself” kick up the most dust in an incredible three-track run at almost the exact point the average listener might start losing interest.

This is a remarkably consistent (and consistently delightful) record, played with maximum nerve and a slightly menacing twinkle in the eye. It’s primo shit: listening to the disc is like being in the eye of a tornado, with houses and cows and other crazy shit flying around in a whirlwind of dirt and rocks; thinking back on the experience later is like watching the movie Twister. Seeing the band live. though, is like being Bill Paxton in the movie Twister.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DJSy4GwZqQ

White Mystery

• MySpace
• Official Site
• Flickr
• Facebook

Here at Assault HQ, we know how difficult it is to plan a weekend in Chicago. With so much good live music to choose from (and so much alcohol to drink to while you listen), who can decide? We can. Just follow this itinerary and you’re guaranteed an awesome time:

FRIDAY:

Ah, Friday! Finally you can kick back, quit complaining about your pathetic monkey job, and drink some cold beers. You know what goes great with cold beers? AWESOME CHICAGO BANDS. And you’re gonna find FIVE awesome Chicago bands playing at Metro on Friday. Tickets are $11 for this all ages show that kicks off at 6pm -- what more do you need to know? Oh, the bands: Mindsight, Amrita, The Fireship, The Rails, and The Love Shots. We haven’t experienced all of these bands first hands, but I will tell you this: $11 is worth it just to see the Fireship pop some crazy shit off. So go check it out; did I mention it’s only $11?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWEJEgC-o-Q

OR:

You could talk a walk on the dark side and get your fucking face crushed by metal veterans Impaler at Reggie’s Rock Club. They’re gonna be joined by Graverobber, Gravedirt (no, I’m serious), and The Turbo Vamps. If that doesn’t sound like an awesome line-up to you, I think you need to cut back on the herbal tea and tie-dye! This is gonna melt your face, and you know that. This crazy shit goes down at 8pm and it’s a 17+ show. Tickets are $7, so what’s your excuse? (And, seriously: go look at the Impaler website. Seriously! Go look at it.)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=-h14uLaoPSY

SATURDAY:

Saturday is the show we’ve all been waiting for: White Mystery at the Hideout! Yeah, boy! This shit is gonna be incredible. We saw White Mystery open for Jemina Pearl a month ago, and some of my orifices are still sore. This brother/sister team kick out tasty garage jams that don’t sound shitty. Their self-titled full-length just dropped this week -- I definitely recommend you spend ten bucks on it. Other Minds and Charlie Slick will also be bringing the rock on this fateful night. The show starts at 9pm and a ticket can be had for $8. DO IT!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Uw3GJ8iKlo

SUNDAY:

Sunday should find you right back at Reggie’s Rock Club: punk sensations H2O are headlining, but we gotta draw your attention to one of the opening acts. Our best friends The Swellers are gonna be there! (Also playing: The Mongloids and The Attack.) Tickets are a little pricey at $13, but I think you’ll find that’s a wise investment when all is said and done. Heck, I’d pay that much just to see a band called the Mongloids! Just out of sheer curiosity. This show is all ages, and it starts at $5 -- you won’t even miss the supper-time reruns of Murder, She Wrote! Go to this.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDR71Xo6Zs4

It was with mild trepidation that I ventured out this past Saturday night to check out Jemina Pearl rocking Beat Kitchen. I knew Ms. Pearl would deliver an amazing show, and I knew that the $2 Blatz beers would flow like wine. But the evening promised to combine my two worst fears: 1) geeking out in front of someone whose music I genuinely adore, and 2) hipsters. So I made sure to arrive at Third World Timmy’s apartment with a few hours to spare, which we spent pounding Coors Light and watching television with official Assault mascot Miz Jodi. By the time nine o’clock rolled around, we were so blitzed that we had only two things in mind: a full-on Chicago-style rock attack, and chicken nachos. Needless to say, shit was about to get real.

After consuming some almost totally chip-less nachos (seriously) and braving the icy stare-downs of about twenty five dudes sporting ironic facial hair and Rivers Cuomo glasses, we piled up in front of the stage and waited to get elevated by the power of indie rock. Swiss Dots, the first band on the bill, did not disappoint. They’re a refreshingly mixed-gender (two dudes, two ladies) Chicago four-piece that play tough-but-sweet rock ‘n’ roll. I wish I could describe their music in a little more detail, but honestly I was already about six Blatzes into it and their MySpace is comically bare-bones. But fear not, rabid music-lovers – I’m gonna find them, ask them questions, and report back to you in 1-2 weeks. And hopefully link to a couple of their songs, because they’re pretty great and you’ll definitely get at least a half-chub if you mix them into your “Get High and Stare At Shit” playlist. (They have both Devo and Gang Of Four in their Top Friends, so that should give you an idea of the general vibe.)

Next up was White Mystery, by far the best opening band I’ve ever seen. It’s a brother/sister duo, their last name is White, and they play stripped-down garage rock. But before you get cynical, take a listen to the tunes on their MySpace (or, preferably, check out their next show – shit sounds incredible live). The sister is Miss Alex White (of Miss Alex White & the Red Orchestra fame); she sings and plays guitar. The brother is Francis White, and he drums. They both have crazy red hair and insane amounts of charisma; the band suffered some technical difficulties midway through their set and Francis entertained the crowd by smoking a forbidden cigarette (given to him by everybody’s favorite Internet Blogging Sensation, Oswald Hobbes).* White Mystery is the first band I’ve ever randomly seen at a show and immediately thought to myself, “That’s the greatest band I’ve ever heard, and I want to bear their children.” So, White Mystery, if you’re reading this – IMPREGNATE ME WITH YOUR DEMON GINGER SEED!!!!

While White Mystery was playing, Third World and myself decided to have a quick cigarette ourselves before the main attraction started. On our way to the door, I noticed Ms. Pearl and her ace sideman John Eatherly hanging out, so I suavely sidled up and gave them one of Third World’s business card. Eatherly looked at me like I was nuts, but that was probably because words wouldn’t seem to exit my mouth correctly and my eyes kept darting from side to side in the most suspicious fashion imaginable. Maybe having a business card handed to you by t-shirt entrepreneurs at a music venue is the real-life equivalent of being offered moneygrams by a Nigerian prince. If so, I’m okay with that; awkward encounters like this are just part of building my brand, which I’m told by my social media guru is very important.

Anyway, when Ms. Pearl and her band (with Eatherly absolutely killing on guitar) finally took the stage, all of my worries and cynicism evaporated and I started rocking the fuck out. In case you’ve been living under Taliban rule or you just don’t care about awesome music, Jemina Pearl was the incredibly awesome frontwoman for Nashville uber-punks Be Your Own Pet. They made two full-lengths and then split, which made me incredibly sad – until I picked up Ms. Pearl’s solo disc, Break It Up, at which point I was too busy dancing and punching walls to feel any emotion besides PURE RAWK FURY. I don’t know if I’m technically the desired audience for this kind of music, being a suburban internet troll with a lousy haircut and an extensive collection of Mastodon t-shirts, but Break It Up was easily my favorite record of ’09.** Plus, any record that actually begins with the line “It’s not all the cocaine” is A-OK in my book.

I expected Ms. Pearl’s set to be a totally transcendent, borderline-orgasmic experience, and I was not disappointed at all. (Well, I was a little disappointed that she didn’t punch anybody.) But she danced a lot, and sang beautifully (she doesn’t get nearly enough credit for her chops – she’s on the same level as Hayley Williams, and Hayley Williams is the greatest singer since Kelly Clarkson, and if you think that any of this is in any way “gay” or “not metal,” I’ll be the first one to agree), and she even told the audience how to properly pronounce her first name. (The “i” sounds like “ee”) That’s helpful advice, but it made all my friends look at me funny because I’ve been saying it wrong for about 3 years now. A little part of me was bummed that they didn’t rip into any Be Your Own Pet material, but it was a very, very litle part,*** as the Break It Up songs get more rotation in my car than anything from the BYOP catalog. Once in a while a CD comes along that sounds exactly the way you think music should sound, and that’s the case here.

After the show, Third World and I got another chance to talk to Ms. Pearl, and it was even more awkward than my first encounter, but that’s a whole other blog and I’ve already exceeded my word count. So, to sum up: Beat Kitchen is an awesome venue, hipsters and weird nachos aside, and the people who work there seem totally cool. Swiss Dots are delightful and mysterious. White Mystery are absolutely BEAST (as my twelve year-old brother would say) and I’m definitely going to start cyber-stalking them as soon as I finish this blog. And Jemina Pearl played an excellent show that made my heart joyful with childish exuberance and whimsical glee. The only bad part of the night, really, was my hangover the next day, but that’s truly a small price for an absolutely legendary show.

–

*The cigarette was extinguished pretty quickly, but it was funny while it lasted. And I got to hear Miz Jodi scold me for “contributing to a felony.” (I’m pretty sure that smoking indoors is not yet a felony in Chicago, although I’m sure they’ll try to swing that by 2020.)

** I know I previously stated that at least three other records were my favorites from last year, but Break It Up is the one that I keep going back to. It literally never gets old.

***Not the part you’re thinking of, so don’t try to burn me in the comments section. I’ll murder your family.

Jemina Pearl Inside Your Computer:

• Puke Til You Punk
• MySpace
• Photo Set of Jemina Pearl on Flickr