Artist: Prince
Album: Rave Un2 the Joy Fantastic
Aftermath: After a period of wilderness-wandering (a jazz-funk Jehovah’s Witness album that I am convinced is unduly underrated, a 3-CD live album that replicated much of that album), Prince’s attempts to rejoin the mainstream have been mostly of the “Hey, remember when I dominated the ’80s?” variety, rather than the “I can still make a hit if I wanted to” attitude he displays here. Prince hasn’t had a guest on any of his studio albums since.

The duets album is a time-honored tradition,but it’s also been a way toward veteran career rejuvenation since Santana jointed with Rob Thomas (for a musical revolution!). Oops, sorry. Just consider the Jerry Lee Lewis Mean Old Man review a cousin to this entry. Following the blockbuster success of that album, Mick Jagger’s Goddess in the Doorway (easily a Cut the Crap-qualified album if Jagger’s solo career matched his Rolling Stones career) borrowed some ideas from it. Santana, unsurprisingly, went back to the well for two more albums. Later, Al Green packed Lay It Down with the best in modern soul. But most frustrating and interesting of these albums was Prince’s attempt to capitalize on the millennial celebration he coincidentally created in 1983, “1999.”

Prince is generally a loner. Even if his album is credited to “Prince & [The Revolution, New Power Generation],” his ideas and style are at the forefront. His bands have individual flavors and stretch out in concert, but on albums they generally don’t get their time to shine. Their world is self-contained and dependent on their chemistry. The idea of Prince sharing the spotlight with other famous people, then, is exciting. Unfortunately, Rave Un2 the Joy Fantastic might be evidence that it’s not as interesting to Prince as it is to everyone else.

But, of course, Prince is always going to do things his way, which is either a problem or one of the greatest strengths of this album. Unlike Santana, he does not bend to the will of his collaborators. His song featuring Chuck D, “Undisputed,” probably could have existed without this album and without Chuck D. Strangely, Chuck D’s rap is not much better than the kind of verses that Prince sprinkled around his early ’90s albums, featuring much worse lyricists. It’s a repetitive song built around a boring drum loop, which is a description that fits many of these songs.

The other hip-hop inflected song, “Hot Wit U,” features Eve (remember her?), and is unfortunately a knockoff of “Gett Off.” “Hot Wit U,” though, is staid, and rather chaste. Indeed, this album coincided with Prince’s spiritual rejuvenation as a Jehovah’s Witness; so the sense of lustful abandon his audience knew him for is missing. Lyrics like “I wanna get you underneath the cream/and to the marshmallow” sound mild compared to the kinds of things floating around radio in the same time period, even if “multicolored lights and an ocean view” sound tempting.

This push and pull between old Prince and new is one of Rave’s strangest qualities. It’s a strange album all over, too. Example: why would an album released in 1999 feature a moment of silence for Miles Davis, who died in 1991? Davis deserves all the accolades he gets, but Prince’s tribute raises the questions of “why now?” and “why 4 seconds of silence at track 4?” But, the weirdest aspect of the project is Sheryl Crow. Not her inclusion in general, but her relative ubiquity. Aside from backup duties on “Baby Knows” (one of the catchier songs), a cover of her “Every Day is a Winding Road” is here, too. No one has ever heard that song and asked for a funky cover, and indeed, it is a painful experiment killing six minutes on an overlong album.

Not all is lost, though: “So Far So Pleased” is an effervescent duet with Gwen Stefani that happens to work as a chaste kind of sexy. It foreshadows Stefani’s “Cool” years later. His collaboration with Ani DiFranco, “I Love You, But I Don’t Trust You Anymore,” might be one of his best ballads of the decade. It’s a quiet lonely ballad that shows off Prince’s formidable falsetto better than anything else on this set.

Otherwise, the solo Prince songs are undone his lack of engagement. The opening track is a leftover from the late ’80s; one might expect better from something written during his early creative streak. Aside from the vocals trying maybe too hard, the music feels stilted. It’s stiff and mechanical, very unlike other music he’s created alone. It’s an aesthetic that carries on throughout, whether it’s the limp ballad “Man O’War,” or the groove-less, hook-less spiritual rap “Strange but True.”

Then, the album ends on a high note, with a bonus track. “Pretty Man” (feat. Maceo Parker) is an overt James Brown homage: looser, funkier and funnier than the 60-minutes of straight-faced slog that precedes it. The audible difference between that track and listed closer, the tepid “Wherever U Go, Whatever U Do,” really emphasizes the problems with the majority of the record. At heart, Prince would probably rather be aping James Brown than consciously gunning for pop charts, but here he is, for whatever reason, doing a Sheryl Crow cover and shoehorning Eve into for a rap verse. It’s the forced nature of the guest spots, too, in that nothing about Rave Un2 the Joy Fantastic feels organic. It’s fitting that an artist as eclectic as Prince would find the sour spot between letting the guest run amok and resting too hard on his laurels.

Also, that album cover is atrocious.

Addendum:
Prince is an artist with many “worst album” choices. Briefly, I’d like to say why this one was more interesting to write about than the two I’d say are worse:

• New Power Soul: technically a New Power Generation album. Shares some problems with Rave in that he doesn’t quite give himself over completely to his collaborators, resulting in predicable scraps like “Mad Sex.”
• NEWS: Nobody gives Elvis Costello guff for his forays into classical; nobody should acknowledge that Prince is the most boring jazz fusion musician of all time.

One of the staples of the Chicago rock scene the past 25 years has been Jerry Bryant’s JBTV and this past week they featured one of my favorite bands, The Swellers (from Flint, MI) on the show. @kirkland_sarah tweeted it out and I’m posted in. That’s how this party’s starting.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMxPbxsluNk

More from The Swellers

• The Swellers Myspace
• The Swellers Twitter
• Nick Diener’s Twitter
• The Swellers on iTunes

“Free is the new black” as one of my favorite authors Martin Atkins says, and the best way to prove to your everyday casual music fan that your band’s music is something they could get into is to give it away for free! Assault.it has tirelessly scoured the web the past three months to find what we consider to be some of the best signed, and unsigned bands offering up their music for free to their fans, and soon-to-be-fans. Download as you see fit, and if you like what you hear, go to a show, buy a t-shirt, buy an album, or at the very least tell a friend!

1. Direct Hit!

FUCK YOU! GET PUMPED! To call these guys the Andrew WK of punk rock would be somewhat of an insult, but in the interest of appealing to everyman 1.0 that’s what these guys are. Hardcore power punk at its finest, and the best live show I’ve ever witnessed. You can check out our full review of their latest EP #4 here if you want to see why we think this band is your favorite new band.

Get Pumped! Direct Hit! MySpace | BandCamp (The free shit is here)

2. Makeshift Prodigy -- Mathematica

Makeshift Prodigy is giving away a single off their freshly-released album Mathematica! According to Third World Timmy this band is one of the best new bands in the city of Chicago, and is his pick to click to break out in the next year or two. Check out our review of Mathematica, as well as our live CD release show review, and interview with the guys.

Official Website | Download “Mathematica”

3. Empires

Select singles and entire albums from their MySpace for one of the most well known bands in Chicago with former members of The Academy Is… except these guys are way more awesomer.

Official Website | MySpace

4. The Delivery Boys

One of Chicago’s hidden secrets on the pop punk scene. You can check out our thoughts on the Chicago power-punkers here, or better yet, you can download their songs on their PureVolume page.

MySpace | PureVolume

5. Trippy Wicked

“[An] epic musical journey of songs about living the good life, fire, growing beards, girls, aliens, loneliness, love, and pirates.” That basically sums up the awesomeness of this UK import. You can download their album for free on their band camp.

Official Website | bandcamp

6. Carousel Kings

The Carousel Kings EP, Here Comes Trouble makes me feel like I’m driving 90 MPH on I-90 in towards Rockford, IL listening to Saves the Day at full blast in my ’93 Pontiac Bonneville. Fast-paced punk rock that you’re mildly embarrassed to sing along to.

MySpace | PureVolume (Free download here)

7. La Dispute

The first I’d heard of La Dispute was when I found out from R. Kelly (Ryan Kelly that is) that they’re on the same label as The Wonder Years, No Sleep Records. I was amazed to find a range of sound that starts at spoken word over what reminds me of Explosions in the Sky, and goes all the way to a highly polished screamo sound--which I’m a huge fan of.

MySpace | Thank You for Your Patience Free Downloads

8. Light In May

Metalcore from Conneticut that sound something like Poison The Well, one of Third World Timmy’s old school favorites.

MySpace | Merch Store |  PureVoume Free Downloads

9. The Decay

Canadian punk rock--not the Sum41 style punk rock though. If Dillinger Four had a Canadian love child, it’d be The Decay.

MySpace | This Month’s Rent Full Album Download

10. Mansions

The Get Up Kids meets Ryan Adams meets Dinosaur Jr. Words from their own MySpace.

MySpace | Merch Store | | Doghouse Records | Get OMG for just one tweet!

11. Anchor Eighty Four Compilation

Sign up for the mailing list and you get the full album. The album includes a song from a band we interviewed a few weeks ago, Newamerica. (Formerly The Discover Radio)

Sign up to get a full compilation album

12. Thrice -- Day Trotter Live Session

At one point Thrice was Third World Timmy’s band, but they’ve transitioned into more of an experience, than a rock and roll band. Still, they’re giving away a free album that you should get.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=SY1SwqLOC3c

Official Website | Download Full Live Session

13. Wipe Out Marshall

I can’t tell you much about this band because their “About Us” on their MySpace may as well have been written in alien, but the album is full of punk rock block, and totally worth checking out. EP: You Light This Match, We’ll Burn This City

MySpace | Download Free EP

14. Man the Change live in Brooklyn EP

New York based DIY punk rock band heavily influenced by one of “Third World” Timmy’s favorite punk rock groups, Hot Water Music.

MySpace | Download EP

15. Deadly Animals EP

Heavy metal is “Third World” Timmy’s favorite genre of music, and he’ll be the first to tell you that most of the unsigned groups offering up free music in said genre kinda suck--Deadly Animals on the other hand, do not suck. Gritty hard rock for fans of Static-X, Pantera, and Fear Factory.

MySpace | Download Demo EP

16. The Friday Night Boys

One of the newest signings to Fueled By Ramen, and we can understand why. One tweet gets you a free download of one of their new songs.

MySpace | Tweet to download

17. Apocalipstick

All girl  thrasher punk rock group from Irvine, CA. They’ll steal your heart then break it.

MySpace | Sign up for mail list to download

18. SHARKS -- Shallow Waters EP

British garage rock that sounds a bit like early The Strokes albums. PunkNews gave it 4.5/5

MySpace | EP Download

19. Campaign -- It Likes To Party EP

It’s no secret that we at Assault.it’s staff and crew like to party. This album therefore caught our attention and we believe it couldn’t be more appropriately titled. You can also get their previous EP for free in the same placed--the appropriately titled H1N1. For those of you fans of old Hot Water Music, you’re going to want to get both these albums.

MySpace | It Likes To Party EP Download | H1N1 Free Album Download

20. Dan Wythoff -- The Sunscreen EP

Great solo act that has the same amount of talent as a John Mayer and you won’t feel like a douche enabler by listening to it.

MySpace | Sign up for the newsletter for the Sunscreen EP

21. Cypress Hill -- It Ain’t Nothin’

With a new album on the way Cypress Hill has released one of their songs for free! Check it out and keep an eye out for their new album which we’ll be reviewing here on Assault.it.

Official Website | Download It Ain’t Nothin’ MP3

22-28. ReverbNation Playlist 7 (Click on Audio Library)

Every week ReverbNation posts 7 songs from different artists that are all available as a free download. The program has ended, but they still have a huge Audio Library you can get plenty of quality free music from.

More from ReverbNation | Download Playlist7 (Click on Audio Library)

29. Ship Wrecks

Acoustic rock that sounds like a more catchy version of The Swell Season (From Academy Award winning movie Once) and a little bit of Bright Eyes.

Official Website | Ship Wrecks bandcamp

30. Kismet -- Hiatus

Utrecht based indie-rock at it’s finest. Sort of sounds like a lighter version of Thursday.

Official Website | Kismet bandcamp

31. A Common Year -- Between Cities full length album

If you’ve seen Jimmy Eat World live and wish there were more bands like it it--look no more. A Common Year is a for fans of Brand New, Jimmy Eat World, Thrice, Northstar. Anberlin.

MySpace | A Common Year bandcamp

32. The Day Woke to Me Driving To You’s -- Rain, Rain, Rain EP

Sounds like Explosions in the Sky, Postal Service. Despite their complicated name, the music is quite soothing and nice.

MySpace | PureVolume | Download EP

33. He Is We -- Light A Way

Acoustic band that sounds like Paramore, VersaEmerge, Sarah Berielles. Included on the Top 20 Unsigned Bands of 2009 by PureVolume.

MySpace | PureVolume | Merch Store

34. Conditions -- Illuminati

I’ve been a fan of Conditions for awhile now. (Since I heard about them from ShredNews) For fans of anyone who likes The Ready Set, All Time Low, Set Your Goals, The Swellers. They’re offering the song “Illuminati” on their PureVolume for free.

MySpace | PureVolume Song Download

35. I Rival -- Make Me Scream

Sounds like Keeping Secrets, Our Last Night, The Word Alive, Set Your Goals, Conditions, The Used.

MySpace | Merch Store | PureVolume Song Download

36. The Bay State -- Liars

Talented female lead rock band that sounds a bit like Paramore/VersaEmerge, Be Your Own Pet.

MySpace | PureVolume Song Download

37. Picture Me Broken -- Dearest (I’m So Sorry)

Girl fronted rock band that resembles Lacuna Coil, Evanescence, Flyleaf, Arch Enemy. They made it on PureVolume’s top 20 unsigned of 2009, and deserve all the attention they get.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiEVPpCAD7Y

MySpace | PureVolume Song Download

38. Every You -- A Change of Scene

If you like The Swellers (Like we do) then you’ll love these guys--same goes for Strike Anywhere, Broadway, and any other seasoned punk rock group.

MySpace | Merch Store | PureVolume Song Download

39. My Arcadia -Lulea (City by the Sea)

Hard to classify who My Arcadia sounds like, but I would say it’s a mixture of Flyleaf, Hey Monday, Amy Lee, and the punk rock influence of one of our favorites Hayley Williams.

MySpace | Merch Store | PureVolume Song Download

40. Tonight Alive -- Wasting Away

I’ve said it 3-4 times now, but Tonight Alive sounds very much like Picture Me Broken, My Arcadia, Paramore, Flyleaf, and VersaEmerge. I can’t get enough girl-fronted rock band. Very high energy band that most bros would feel comfortable with playing loudly in their cars.

MySpace | PureVolume Song Download

41. Silversun Pickups -- Lazy Eye (Acoustic version)

Grammy nominated indie rockers the Silversun Pickups put up an acoustic version of their song, “Lazy Eye.” All you have to do is sign up for their mailing list!

Official Website | Sign up for newsletter for free song

42. Girl On Fire -- Summer Sampler EP

For fans of Alexisonfire, Taking Back Sunday, The Used, except more fast-paced, with more face-melting guitar riffs. It will make you feel like a man.

MySpace | Summer Sampler EP Download

43. Midwest Hype

I’ve never heard a jazz funk band before, but Midwest Hype is working their way into a genre that they’re dominating all their own. This entire album is on “Third World” Timmy’s island vacation mix that goes with him on all his tropical island getaways.

MySpace | ReverbNation | 3 songs: Sunrise Will End My Night Tonight, Big Poppa (cover), Runaway

44. A Hero Named Hope

One of the rising stars of the Chicago rock scene and one of the few bands that still resist the pop-punk trend and continue to play a heavier, more hardcore style of punk rock. Another live show worth seeing as they get better and better every show they do.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=n52Ew_XU5Po

MySpace | 2 Songs off their debut EP

45-46. Abel & Lorien -- Tour EP

If you like Brand New, you will literally shit your pants for Abel. Lorien is a bit more like Anberlin, Deas Vail, Academy Is…, Copeland according to LFM

Abel MySpace | Lorien MySpace | Tour EP Download

47. Alkaline Trio

It’s no secret that Alkaline Trio is one of Assault’s favorites. They recently gave away two songs off their new album, This Addiction which you should get cause it is awesome.

Official Website | Free Song Download

48. Bullet For My Valentine -- Begging For Mercy

One of the best metal acts around is giving away one of their songs off their new album for free. “Third World’ Timmy will be one of the first in line to pick up this new album in which he’ll no doubt declare it the best thing ever since Avenged Sevenfold.

Merch Store | Download “Begging For Mercy”

49. I Fight Dragons

Sign up for their mailing list, and get a link to an EP mixture of live music and awesome songs made from old school Nintendo sound effects. If that doesn’t tickle your pickle then you should just quit here at #1. They just signed to Atlantic Records and are now touring with the Too Fast For Love Tour w/3OH!3, Cobra Starship, Travis McCoy

MySpace | Official Website (Sign up for the newsletter to get the free EP!)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xd3GP57YUjw

50. Pet Lions

Indie pop rock from Chicago--sign up for their newsletter for their Soft Right EP!

MySpace | Download Soft Right EP

Sources:

Follow Legal Free Music on Tumblr
Top 20 Unsigned Bands of 2009 by PureVolume
ReverbNation

You can learn pretty much all you need to know about Makeshift Prodigy from one particular line from their MySpace profile: they credit member Brandon Fox with “vocals and ambience.” This is a band that thinks about “creativity” in very specific terms, with a space-age vibe that places premium value on atmosphere and mood. And, for a band with such obvious and lofty goals, they pretty much nail what they’re trying to do, with a few caveats that prevent total transcendence. Their new album Mathematica expands the group’s palette a bit but essentially offers a revised, improved version of their debut (Welcome To The World), which is not  a bad thing -- the overall effect is pleasant and distracting, like Snow Patrol with some darker undertones and the drama dialed down to “manageable.”

The lead vocals, from Anthony Bagnara, are generally strong, although he goes over the top once in a while with the manically chanted monosyllabic ululations. More often, though, the intensity of the vocals drives the music and pushes it into ever-higher gears, and on one song (“Sentimentalist”) he totally sounds like Rod Stewart for a two-minute span that ranks as the record’s absolute best. On the other end of the spectrum, there’s an ersatz and totally unnecessary rap tagged onto “Clockwork” that doesn’t add ambience so much as annoyance. It’s awesome to branch out and try new stuff, but sometimes expression desires limitation. Just sayin.’

For the most part these guys hold it together. People who like pianos will definitely enjoy that instrument’s prominence in many of the arrangements (courtesy of Bagnara and lead guitarist Jake Foy), and Foy has mastered a particular style of twinkly, shimmering guitar that’s totally impressive while also making me wish he’d kick shit into overdrive more and straight-out pummel my head with the real big riffage. But I always think this stuff works better with more aggression and less atmosphere, so you can definitely take my opinion with a grain of salt -- I can totally see this being the favorite new CD of anybody who really gets off on the faux-pomp grandeur of 30 Seconds To Mars. This is music that required talent and imagination to create, so I don’t fault it when it veers from what I’m personally wanting from my daily dose of firepower.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnFOv0SJNao

Makeshift Prodigy:

• MySpace
• Official Site
• Facebook
• Assault.it’s interview with Makeshift Prodigy
• Last.fm

As pretty much the exact target demographic for goofy/scary rap music about getting high and being insane, I was fairly psyched when this showed up in my inbox: a new video from Cypress Hill featuring guitar work by none other than Tom Morello. I’ve long been of the opinion that rap and rock should stay separate until everybody forgets about Limp Bizkit, but it might just be about time for someone to do it right. Could it be Cypress Hill? I don’t know about that, but I do relish the image of Mr. Leftypants Morello passing blunts with B-Real in the studio. Anyways, this shit is tight – I think they’re throwing some props at John Carpenter’s They Live in the intro, which is the best movie of all time (and not just because it inspired the infamous cripple fight on South Park). The new Cypress Hill disc, also called Rise Up, drops on (of course) April 20. Blaze it up:

If you like rock ‘n’ roll, you probably like Muse. They’re a no-brainer, in the best possible sense: throw every possible style of music into a blender and set that shit to “boner.” I’ll admit, I was once a naysayer -- I thought they rode Radiohead’s jock a little too hard. But over their last couple albums, they’ve been getting weirder and goofier; their newest single, “Resistance,” is so brilliantly nuts that when it comes on the radio while I’m driving,  I have to pull over and punch myself in the face. And now there’s a video for it, which is awesome. Watch it below, and then check out their current tour dates w/ Silversun Pickups. Their latest album is called The Resistance.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPE9uSFFxrI

Dates:

Feb 27 Gwinnett Center Atlanta, GA
Mar 1 Patriot Center Fairfax, VA
Mar 2 Wachovia Center Philadelphia, PA
Mar 3 1st Mariner Arena Baltimore, MD
Mar 5 Madison Square Garden New York, NY
Mar 6 TD Banknorth Garden Boston, MA
Mar 8 Air Canada Center Toronto
Mar 10 Bell Centre Montreal
Mar 12 United Center Chicago, IL
Mar 13 Palace of Auburn Hills Detroit, MI
Mar 15 Sommet Center Nashville, TN
Mar 17 Ft Worth Convention Center Dallas, TX
Mar 18 Toyota Center Houston, TX
Mar 29 Rexall Place Edmonton
Mar 30 Pengrowth Saddledome Calgary
Apr 1 Pacific Coliseum Vancouver
Apr 2 Key Arena Seattle, WA
Apr 3 Rose Garden Arena Portland, OR
Apr 5 The E Center Salt Lake City, UT
Apr 6 Odeum Colorado Denver, CO
Apr 9 US Airways Center Phoenix, AZ
Apr 10 Mandalay Bay Events Center Las Vegas, NV
Apr 11 Pima County Fairgrounds Tuscon, AZ
Apr 14 Oracle Arena San Francisco, CA
Apr 17 Coachella Festival Indio, CA

It’s not too often you get a highly recommended band from the great OHIV that can deliver on both the studio and live fronts. So when he told me to check out Welcome To Ashley at the Empty Bottle this past Friday, I tried to keep my expectations realistic. I’m a veteran of the punk rock community – it’s tough to impress a guy who grew up seeing D4, Thrice, The Fux, and plenty of other virtual unknowns for $5 at the grand old Fireside Bowl. Luckily, I was able to check out a venue I’ve never been to before, and I’m fucking pumped that I did. The Empty Bottle, like the headliner that night, is punk rock to the core.

The first few hours at the venue I spent drinking tequila and Old Style while writing ironic messages on the silly photos with talk bubbles that were posted on the wall. After solid sets from The Handcuffs and I Lost Control, Welcome to Ashley took to the stage. With my only previous listening experience being the video posted on Assault, and a few songs on their MySpace page, I really wasn’t sure what to expect from these seemingly mild young men.

It only took a song or two, but I felt like I was seeing a secret showing of what sounded a lot like a really punk version of Interpol. I wouldn’t normally consider myself a fan of the monotonous tones of what Oswald Hobbes tells me is quality Interpol, but I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with happy thoughts–I nearly joined the crazy bum guy who was dancing around with all the young ladies in front of the stage. And I definitely wasn’t the only one enjoying the performance, as the majority of the venue seemed to move and sway along to the intense rock sauce being sploojed all over their ears and faces.

The live performance lived up to the band’s unique music video in every sense of the word–it wasn’t a stiff, hipster-esque indie-rock show so much as it felt like I was back at the Fireside watching some band give it all to a wildly enthusiastic crowd. If you haven’t seen Welcome to Ashley yet, I highly recommend it, especially if it’s at The Empty Bottle.

Get excited, boner-fans! Assault favorites (and certified badasses) Welcome To Ashley are playing the Empty Bottle this Friday (2/12/10). There are limited number of tickets for $5, and after that it’s gonna be $10, but you wouldn’t go wrong spending a million dollars on this fantastic line-up. And that’s not hyperbole, friends: WTA are being backed up by I Lost Control and The Handcuffs, two rad Chicago bands that are going to put burning holes where your eyes used to be. And also your ears.

Don’t believe me? Here’s the proof:

Welcome To Ashley

www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8yJSjfh42E

I Lost Control

www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFM6qMX7XlQ

The Handcuffs

www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxBayJb25wo

Now do you believe me?!! Great! Come out to the Empty Bottle at 10pm on Friday and see the magic happen live, before your eyes. If you have other plans, cancel them -- this is better. If you’re worried about the weather -- it’s just a little snow, Chicago! Come on! We’ve had snow for literally billions of years! If you come to the show and are disappointed, I will personally refund the purchase price of your ticket, buy you a can of Blatz, and cut your hair.* Just do it.

Welcome To Ashley On The Interweb:

• Reverb Nation
• MySpace
• Facebook

———-

* I will do none of these things. But I wouldn’t have to anyway, because the show is gonna be great. Seriously.

The Invincible Gods is a band that needs no introduction. But, for the people that really enjoy introductions, here’s one anyway: They’re from New Jersey, it’s two dudes and a lady, and they play a truly rad amalgam of punk, garage, and shoegaze, draping everything in the kind of psychedelic goodness that triggers violent acid flashbacks. They recently took some time out of their busy schedule to answer a few of our questions about their creative process, the excellent genes they’ve been blessed with, and Jared Leto’s stint in the Hitler Youth.

Assault.it: You guys are all ridiculously good-looking, yet you don’t include any photos of yourselves with your CD. Isn’t that kind of a missed opportunity?

Sean: Well, we’re also pretty humble – epically humble, in fact. We’re so humble that we didn’t want to go rubbing our extreme gorgeousness in anyone’s face, but thank you. We’re flattered. Next time, we’ll send out pictures and locks of hair.

How did you guys all hook up? I know Nick and Sean have some history together, but what was the genesis of Invincible Gods?

Sean: Well, we’re billions of years old, so it’s actually weird how long it took for us to all meet.

Candace: I’m kinda foggy on the details. I do remember going to one awesome raging house party in LA and waking up 2 weeks later in a van in New Hope, though. At first I thought I was being kidnapped again, but, no, it turns out I just joined a new band.

Sean: Nick and I played together in The Atomic Missiles [as a side note: you can download every A-Missiles song for free @ http://www.reverbnation.com/theatomicmissiles ] for years. We got together in NJ, moved to Brooklyn, and then again to Hollywood, where we eventually split up. That’s also where we met Candace and started jamming together. It was supposed to be just for fun, but it came together so naturally.

Nick: Then we moved back to NJ and fell under the influence of a few cool bands like Screaming Females, Thomas Francis Takes His Chances, The Imperialists, The Sex Zombies, and later, Ben Franklin, A few of those bands have been sort of starting a resurgence of the old streetwave scene.

Candace, according to the press release in my hands, you’re Alaskan. What’s that like?

Candace: I can see Russia from my backyard. I left because I was sick of being chased by giant moose and catching wild lynx, I’m still not quite used to the weather outside of my igloo.

Nick: Alaska has to be the most gnarly place I’ve ever come from. Those are some mean hills up there. Everywhere you turn there is flannel, guns, saloons…. It’s kind of like the Canadian wild west with people riding snow mobiles instead of horses. And there’s bears! Up there those motherfuckers got horns! Everything is extreme.

Sean: Ummm, Nick?

Nick: Yeah?

Sean: You’re from NJ. We grew up together.

Nick: Oh.

What’s your songwriting process? Who brings what to the table?

Sean: Usually, we meditate for thirty to forty minutes in the dungeon before lighting the ceremonial candles and drinking mugs of absinthe. By the time that is over, the song has revealed itself to us and we begin the process of etching it into stone. A lot of times when we tell people that we take a long time writing songs, they think we take a long time coming up with the ideas for songs or for the way that we are going to play them. That simply isn’t true. We are literally carving the songs into granite. It’s not easy. Nick holds the granite over his head, while Candace and I take turns carving words into it. It’s honestly a group effort.

What was the recording process like for Slightly More Ballsy Than Pretentious? It’s pretty short but stylistically elaborate – does that take a lot of time, or is it pretty natural?

Sean: I’d say both. It comes extrememly naturally, but in a band with one guitarist and no bass, it takes a certain amount of time to lay down all of those tracks, no matter what.

Candace: Yeah. But if you subtract all the time we spent playing shows, going to shows, eating, sleeping, watching tv, having parties, cleaning up parties, instructing yoga, posing nude for art classes, watching iMax porno, baking cookies, making up complicated handshakes, talking about streetwave, voodoo zombies, robbing banks, and being hung-over it was actually really short. Like 2 days.

Sean: Not to mention, the temple we rented to record in was filled with snakes and spiders. That took forever to sort out.

I know bands hate to explicitly discuss their influences, but who influences the Invincible Gods?

Sean: A lot of what we do is shaped by people who have influenced us outside of the music world. If it weren’t for Kurt Vonnegut, George Carlin, Aleister Crowley, and other great 20th century minds, we wouldn’t be making the music we are in this new millenium. Musically I think my biggest sources of inspiration are probably The Velvet Underground, Talking Heads, Elvis Costello, psychedelic Beatles stuff, and, of course, The Ramones, but I try to listen to other people’s favorite music as much as possible, just to keep my mind open. At this point, I’m just as comfortable listening to Drake, The Grateful Dead, and Taylor Swift as I am with Iggy and The Stooges or The Misfits.

Nick: I think that what we are influenced by plays a little bit bigger role in our music than who. I mean we grew up listening to a lot of punk rock in high school and then later broadened our horizons and really started listening to almost everything. We really just wanted to make awesome punk rock that you can dance too. But most of our songs are really influenced by the experiences of life, the ups and downs, love, parties, religion etc.

Candace: For me, Karen O from the YeahYeahYeahs and Blondie.

30 Seconds to Mars stole your album cover. What the fuck is up with that?

Sean: I keep reading on the internet that Jared Leto is a big fan of ours, but I’ve never met him or anything. It’s weird, we were just sort of minding our own business and then some corporate rock band from Hollywood comes along and vomits at our party.

Nick: That’s not even the worst of it. He entitled it This Is War, declaring war on us. I’d like to put his nuts in a Slap Chop.

Candace: Jared Leto is almost my favorite actor, only after Freddie Prinze Jr. I loved watching him get hacked to pieces in American Psycho.

Sean: I wouldn’t be so offended if they weren’t so godawful. Their music is like easy listening for teenage girls who cut themselves. It makes me feel hopeless. If Andrew W.K. or Jack White stole our album art, we could live with it. But, 30 Seconds to Mars? Just horrible. A lot of people think we hate them because of the Nazi rumors about Jared Leto, or the kiddie porn that people have alleged that 30STM makes, but really, it’s just because of how terrible their music is. We’re not the type of people who go around spreading rumors, you know? I mean, who cares if people say he was in the Hitler Youth? We’re not just going to believe everything people tell us. But even if they are good people, it doesn’t make up for their sonic awfulness.

—

Invincible Gods on the Interweb:

• MySpace
• ReverbNation
• Official Site
• CDBaby

This morning I woke up, logged in to Twitter, and saw my boy Third World T pimping his rant about the Grammys, and I thought to myself, “Holy shit, I missed the Grammys again!” Last year I actually planned to watch because Radiohead were doing some thing with a marching band and, in order to appear smart, I claim loyal allegiance to the Thom Yorke superfan club. But I was foiled in my attempts by really shitty satellite service in the snow-fucked wasteland of North Dakota. This year I just plum forgot – nobody told me the music industry would be jerking off for four hours on public television! Honestly, I’m not that sorry I missed it (I’ll start watching, maybe, when they use some of that crazy Avatar technology so I can feel like I’m jerking off, too – and it wouldn’t hurt if some actual splooge shot through the TV and directly into my eye), but I found a list of the winners, and now I’m gonna make fun of them because I’m jealous that I’ll never be as pretty as Taylor Swift. Here we go:

Taylor Motherfuckin' Swift

Album Of The Year: Taylor Swift, Fearless — Not too much shit to talk on this one, as I enjoy Ms. Swift’s awkwardly earnest teenage love songs and kind of wish they reflected my experience as a teenager. She loses cred points for dating a Jonas AND that douchewolf from Twilight, but she’s still pretty young. Was Fearless truly the album of the year? I don’t know – it had a couple really big singles and you could frame a semi-valid argument for it as the kind of big communal listening experience that everyone on the internet constantly decries the death of, but honestly I don’t think that many people with brains purchased it. Semi-Fail.

Best Female Pop Vocal: Beyonce, “Halo” — Don’t worry, I won’t even try to front on Beyonce. She’s a bad, bad bitch, and “Halo” was good enough for me to include on a “death metal” mixed CD I burned for Mr. 51% this summer (that disc, funnily enough, also included a couple Taylor Swift songs, so…go me, I guess?) and also to have as a ringtone on my cellular telephone for a good three or four months. Beyonce sings the shit out of everything and she’s a beautiful, fearless woman whom I greatly admire. Say what you want, but it’s hard to find a better pure singer than Beyonce. Win.

Best Rap/Sung Collaboration: Jay-Z, Rhianna, and Kanye West, “Run This Town” — Alright, this was my jam for a brief period in the fall, but I was abusing a lot of different substances at that time. Honestly this beat is pretty garbage, the sound of Kanye coasting, and Jay’s verse is even weaker. Rhianna’s OK but I’ve had about enough of her at this point, and the pictures of her jet-skiing with Chris Brown at P. Diddy’s mansion kind of killed the crazy sympathy I had for her. Kanye murders his verse, but that’s to be expected, and furthermore I don’t think it’s a good idea to give that dude any awards at this point. The Keri Hilson song was way better, but I don’t think this should even be a category. Fail.

Best Rock Albums: Green Day, 21st Century Breakdown — And here is where I really get upset. I’m not saying that I care who wins a Grammy, but truth be told a lot of people watch the broadcast, and when you throw a steaming pile of shit like Breakdown out there as the “best” rock disc of the year, it makes all of us rock dudes look like fucking mouth-breathers. Green Day have hit that point in their career where dying in a plane crash wouldn’t necessarily be a bad move, as they’re apparently intent on rehashing the mild glory of American Idiot and turning it into some kind of ridiculous counter-culture brand. I’ve had it with their suits and their make-up and their bombastic odes to the most generic form of rebellion imaginable, and in no way was this even a decent rock album, let alone the best. How about we give Billie Joe Armstrong an award when he stops cannibalizing his own fucking songs? The funniest part is these guys have a Rock Band game coming this year – that’s kinda gonna let the cat out of the bag that all of these songs are built from the same three or four parts and then dumped into a blender set on “overblown shit” until they’re ready for the Transformers 4 soundtrack. Fuck Green Day, and fuck all the other bands nominated for this category (especially Dave Matthews Band – not even hardcore Davers liked that fucking record). Ultimate Fail!

Best Pop Vocal Album: The Black-Eyed Peas, The E.N.D. — These guys are, by far, the stupidest humans ever to boom boom pow, but I did like that one song about partying. It’s pretty much pointless to hate on BEP at this point; they’re a runaway train of absolute brainlessness that nobody can hope to stop. And I can’t really think of a different pop album that I would like to see win. In my book it’s better to be fun and idiotic than just idiotic (like the rest of the nominees in this category) although I will say that that Pink CD had some righteous hooks on it. That might have been a better choice, but trying to parse the nuances of “pop” music is like trying to form a credible argument that the crack you’re smoking right now is in some way technically “superior” to the shit you smoked last night. If it feels good, don’t sweat it too hard. Semi-Fail

Record Of The Year: Kings Of Leon, “Use Somebody” — As somebody who genuinely enjoys the unhinged inbred-punk madness of the first two KOL records, I have a hard time bashing them now that they’re a world-beating, private jet rock band. But the fact remains that “Use Somebody” is their worst song and sounds like it was created deliberately for the soundtrack of primetime NBC dramas. I’m happy that these guys finally broke through, but couldn’t they have gotten nominated for “Sex On Fire”? That was, by far, the best song about blowjobs released this year. Semi-Win.

Best Comedy Record: Stephen Colbert, A Colbert Christimas: The Greatest Gift of All! — I love Colbert, but this shit should’ve been Patton Oswalt’s – his latest disc, My Weakness Is Strong, cements without any doubt his status as the funniest dude in America, and it would’ve showed a little more “edge” on the Grammys’ part. But, like I said, I’m down with Colbert, too. Mostly just disappointed that MY comedy album, Pump The Brakes!, wasn’t even nominated. Bittersweet Win.

Best New Artist: Zac Brown Band — Considering none of the artists nominated were legitimately “new” in 2009, who gives a shit? But congratulations, Zac Brown Band – you will now promptly fall off the face of the planet and never be heard from again. (Not like anybody with a brain listened to your music in the first place. Isn’t this the fucker who sings about fried chicken? The only person I’d want to sing a song about that particular subject is maybe Tracy Morgan, and I would only enjoy it ironically.) Fail.

Best Dance Recording: Lady Gaga, “Poker Face” — Personally I prefer both “Bad Romance” and “Paparazzi,” but this isn’t a bad choice over all. I don’t know if this is what hardcore dance-heads listen to (I’m thinking, not so much) but Gaga is at least somewhat interesting, although her recent appearance on Oprah made me hate her a little. Why do celebrities pretend that Oprah is the pope? As far-fetched as this may seem, she’s actually worse than the pope, and she should be beaten to death with a bag of her own fat. Win.

Best Country Album: Taylor Swift, Fearless — I don’t really have a horse in this particular race, but Taylor Swift is about as not-country as you can get while still showing up on the country charts. Didn’t Alan Jackson do anything in 2009? That guy should win every year, regardless of whether he releases a new disc. Semi-Win.

Best Alternative Music Album: Phoenix, Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix — This is legitimately shocking – Phoenix released the best disc I heard last year, and they actually won a mainstream award for it. Not to belittle their accomplishment (which, being the suave French bastards they are, they probably don’t give a tin shit about), but pickings were apparently so slim for this category that a fucking five-song Death Cab For Cutie EP scored a nomination. Oh, and Depeche Mode! Depeche fucking Mode! I like Violator as much as the next dude, but I defy you to actually listen to the last Depeche Mode CD. Make it past track three and I’ll give you a handjob; you earned it. Ultimate Win!

Best Metal Performance: Judas Priest, “Dissident Aggressor” — Judas Priest? Really? I think somebody forgot to notify the Grammys that this is 2010, and nobody gives a shit what the fifty-year old weirdos in Judas Priest are cranking out. I mean, who even buys a new Judas Priest CD? I could understand them winning if the category was Best Metal Song To Get Regular Rotation in Downmarket Leather Bars, but come on. Mastodon wasn’t even fucking nominated! And they made a brain-exploding opus about astral projection and Rasputin! Fail.

OK, those are all the categories that I even borderline care about, so this concludes my coverage of the Grammys. All opinions expressed are also the opinions of Third World Timmy and Mr. 51%, so feel free to spread the flames around if you disagree with me about some of these people dying horrifically violent deaths.

The Action Blast is undoubtedly one of the coolest new bands in Chicago. They played their first show in December and formed shortly before that, but their sound is fully-formed and exceptionally confident. We were lucky enough to score an interview with the band’s guitarist, Kevin Singleton, and he explained who the band is, what they do, and why they’ll never compromise or water down the intensity of their rock attack.

Assault.it: Since there isn’t very much info about the band online (besides I’ve recently learned that Anthony was in Inept and that you all have a connection to them in some way or another) can  we get a basic introduction about everyone in the band, who they played with before, how you all met each other, and how The Action Blast formed?

Kevin: Me and Anthony formed Inept. I was actually the first original member of a previous band to Inept that fell apart. We needed a new singer and found Anthony, and Inept formed. Dan was also the last drummer for Inept for about 4 months. Eric (Guitar) and Joel (Bass) were in some local bands here and there in Chicago as well.

You mentioned honest rock music on your tumblr studio blog, how would you classify yourselves into a genre of music, and who influences your style of music most?

We are a rock band. Some of our songs are aggressive, some are a bit upbeat; we are just first and foremost a rock band, though. We are seriously just all about rocking and having a good time. We write our music for ourselves and we’re not trying to follow any trends or be anything besides our band.

I noticed some of your songs had funny names – like “Sports Center” – while you were tracking them in the studio. Besides music, where else do you find inspiration?

Yeah. “Where We build A Life” was called “Devastator.” “Let This Go” was called “Boom Da Boom.” We have a few other songs with weird names like “Thunderdome” and “Gunslinger.” We don’t take anything too seriously; we are just dudes who love having a good time and hanging with people and such. We like sports, video games, and the norm. We’re just dudes who happen to be in a rock band.

On Assault.it we’re all about spreading the love around, are there any local acts right now that you’re following closely that you’d like to someday play with?

All the bands we follow we ususally play with. With our old bands we pretty much played with everyone in Chicago, and now it’s just all about rebuilding and such. Our current local favorites are Made Avail, On The Front, Seven Day Sonnet, and our singer Anthony is really digging this new band Trainwreck Symphony. I’d also like to give a shoutout to my boys in Artifex Pereo, they are our best friends on earth and their band is amazing.

Being that we’re all from Chicago, it’s important to us at Assault.it that you like a baseball team. Sox or Cubs?

Well, it’s funny – three of us are diehard Sox fans, and one of us is a Cubs fan. He gets roasted about it all the time.

What are the plans on releasing the full length album in its entirety?

We have big plans for the future and a full length is for sure one of them.

What separates The Action Blast from the majority of the bands out there now?

We are just trying to do our own thing, not mock anyone else. We have a bunch of newer music coming out that goes into a few different areas. We are also very hungry, excited, and are not slowing down for anyone. This is our band, our terms, our lives. Hopefully people can find the sincerity in how we are approaching this band lyrically. This is real life, no sugarcoated BS. This is who we are.

If you had to choose a career path of another band that you’d like to model yourselves after who would it be and why?

It would probably be a band like Metallica. They toured and toured and toured till the end of time. That is what we want to do. If we can play 400 shows in 365 days we’ll do it.

Ever cover any other bands live or have any plans to do so in the future? If so, what songs?

Nope. Probably won’t, either. If we had to do a cover, though, I always wanted to do “Kiss From A Rose” by Seal.

I was lucky enough to see your live show in December. What’s different about your live show that makes it worth seeing?

Our show in December was our first show ever. We were very blessed to play with Lucky Boys Confusion for our first show. What you can expect from us is the fact that we live up to our name. We want to be 30 straight minutes of energy. We leave everything we have on the stage and we’ve only played five shows now. It’s just going to get more and more and more intense.

Was there ever a time that you hit a crossroads and decided that you wanted to make music your life? Can you describe that moment?

I was 15 years old and I wanted a guitar. Since that moment I first got my guitar, I knew what I wanted to do with my life.

From concept to realization, can you walk us through your song writing process?

Well, so far the writing has been myself writing the music at home. All the songs so far I wrote for this project aside from one of the riffs Anthony brought to the table. The songs were mostly too aggressive for my older band, so I took the music home and worked on the songs for myself. I present the music to the band and everyone puts in their part. Then Anthony comes in last and lays his vocal ideas over the music.

What’s the hardest part about being an opening band?

The hardest part about being an opening band is that sometimes people don’t pay attention to you, or don’t think you are worth their time. Just remember all those headliners that you see were all opening bands at one time too. Everyone starts somewhere.

To date what’s the best show you’ve ever played either with TAB or when you were all in other bands?

The best show we’ve ever played with Tab so far was probably this Saturday at Beat Kitchen, it was our first headline show and we were very stoked about it. The first show was great too, I can honestly say that so far every show we’ve played has been a great time.

When you’re not working on music what do you like to do?

Watching some TV, playing games, hanging with friends. Normal stuff, go catch new bands, book shows, keep working.

Zombies or vampires? (Pre-Twilight vampires)

Vampires. When I think of the word “vampire,” I never think of Twilight. I think of The Lost Boys or Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Spike and Angel were bad ass.

Is there any band you wouldn’t play with? Be honest.

No. We’d love to get our music out to everyone. Although I don’t think playing with Kenny G would go over so well.

If you were going to play a dream tour with 4 bands (including yourselves) who would it be?

Rise Against, Story of the year, Thrice, and Deftones. That would be one of my favorite shows ever.

If you were a force to be reckoned with in the industry, with a huge loyal following of fans, what would be one thing you’d to to mobilize the troops and change the world?

I think I would just keep everything the same, and just tell everyone of our fans to check out smaller bands. We’re all about helping as many people as possible.

Some bands – in fact, a lot of bands – don’t party anymore because of contracts with labels or their moral beliefs. Do you party?

We party. However I do not drink. The other guys do but there is no drug use.  Although I don’t think you need that kind of stuff to have a good time. We can get down all night and get rowdy until the break of dawn without that kind of stuff.

What are your deal breakers when it comes to compromising your song writing, music style, and or beliefs as it pertains to music?

We write our songs for ourselves, we don’t write songs that other people think we should write. Our music style will always be what we want. It has to be done our way. Nobody else’s opinion counts aside from our own. One thing this band has is artistic integrity.

With the evolution of the web, and the removal of “the gatekeepers,” how has that changed the way you market yourselves as a band?

We don’t really care about the internet right now. We’re using real personal connection to get out there. We like to go to shows, meet new people, and really go out there and show people that this band is more than an internet-based band. We want to really get to know our fans and have them be a part of something. I feel that the whole internet thing has really made things impersonal and we would really like to change that.

Do you ever think you’ll sign to a record label, and if so, do you have any in mind that you think would be a good fit?

We would love to sign to a label. We don’t have a specific one in mind, we just want to be given a fair chance of showing our music to the masses. So if any labels are looking for a band that is willing to tour forever, and write honest rock music, we are your band! We’d like to be on a major label because we feel that radio play and promo is crucial for a band like us. However we’ll take anything that can help us advance our musical career.

One of my favorite things about your live show is getting the crowd involved, specifically at your show at Beat Kitchen on the 23rd Anthony had everyone turn to the right and left and introduce themselves and make friends. Who was the best friend you’ve ever met at a show?

That’s something Anthony has been doing for years. We’ve actually had a couple meet at a show and get married – how rad is that? I can honestly say that via shows I personally have met some amazing people. Other amazing bands, and one of my best friends I’ve met via my music is this dude Justin Roelfs. If it wasn’t for music I probably would not know that dude. Same with a few of my current and past band members. I owe my life to music and am thankful for it every day.

More Action Blast:

• MySpace
• Tumblr
• Twitter

Inbetween watching hours upon hours of Dexter on my PS3 I’ve been trying to catch as many small venue shows as I can every week without going broke. I’ve been a fan of smaller venues since my first rock show at the Fireside Bowl when I was 15. It was a great show--not only cause one of the bands was awesome--but because 2 of the bands were fucking terrible. (One of them was called, The Fux--no joke.)

The show this weekend at the Beat Kitchen was something I decided to check out because of a band I saw the day after Christmas, The Action Blast. We’re doing an interview on them this upcoming week, and with little, to no information about them on the Internet, I decided it was best to see a second showing of them live. I’m sure like many other Beat Kitchen virgins, I had no idea what time to get there to make sure I saw the show. Naturally, I showed up at 5pm, right when the doors opened, and nursed $2 Blatz beers for the next four hours.

Onasis

www.youtube.com/watch?v=bg0AclMymxY

It’s a tall order to open up at a small venue early in the earlier hours of the night for any band. Onasis had their work cut out for them, and with The FUX fresh in mind, I was almost sure I was going to have to retreat into the front half of Beat Kitchen to escape the noise, but I was pleasantly surprised to say the least. Onasis a great all around band that I think will be getting more attention as they spread the word. I grabbed a copy of their EP and have been listening to it all weekend. “We’re like Oasis, with an, ‘n,’ but pronounced Onaaasis.” Had a few laughs, and enjoyed the music too. My only advice to the guys is to put your track listing on the EP!

madeAVAIL

www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1jM364ThuQ

Solid all around band, and even had classic, “Hey!” chants with the audience--nothing gets me fist pumping faster. MadeAVAIL reminds me of a heavier version of Saves the Day--which is a major compliment. They’re also a band, “after my own heart.” They’ve started what they call their Resistance movement. An uphill battle as anyone involved with social movements knows--but an admirable mission no less. (Bonus points if you can name what movie I’m quoting above.)

Artifex Pereo

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYmU6U3Yg08

Anthony from The Action Blast spoke very highly of these guys, and I wish I would have been able to see them, but they had van troubles and couldn’t make it to the show. Word is they need some help paying off the damages to their road vehicle. Check them out and help ‘em out if ya can.

The Fireship

www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpdTugNkoU0

The Fireship brought the whole family to the show. Another solid local group that’s opening up for a local Chicago favorite Empires February 12th at Lincoln Hall. I’m already looking forward to it.

The Action Blast

One of my newest car-mix essential rock groups The Action Blast didn’t disappoint. I can’t help but think about a band from the past that also got started in Chicago that’s one of the most successful rock bands of late, Disturbed. Sprinkle in a bit of influence musically from what I think sounds a bit like mainstream favorites Coheed and Cambria and you have yourself a live rock show that we’ll be following closely here at Assault HQ. Same thing goes for you guys as the dudes from Onasis, write the tracklist on the EP! There’s one song I still can’t figure out the name of based on the MySpace.

Great show all around. Well worth the $8 bucks + $20 in Blatz beer, and another $20 on merch.

I know it’s hard to believe, but sometimes even super-talented and well-compensated bloggers like Oswald Hobbes get the blues. I was down in the dumps the other day and Third World Timmy suggested I write up a list of guaranteed mood-boosters. These songs are wiener-tinglers; they are what hipsters actually mean when they use the word “banger” while pretending to discuss old Dr. Dre records. If you have questions about my “scientific” method, punch yourself in the forehead -- I’m a fucking scientist. Who are you?

10. The Flaming Lips -- “Race For The Prize“

Figured I’d start this list with a song that’s actually about scientists. “Race For The Prize” kicks off The Soft Bulletin, the record that found the Lips turning the corner from weirdo, borderline-nihilistic psychedelia to wonderfully earnest optimism bombs. That description makes me sound retarded, which is how you’ll feel when you listen to this song (provided your definition of “retarded” entails unbridled joy and hope).

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qptwJ9wrQnI

9. Pixies -- “Dig For Fire“

This song is ostensibly about two (apparently unrelated) old people; one kneels inside of a hole, the other never sleeps. Black Francis asks each if they are “looking for the mother lode.” But they are both digging for fire. This sounds nonsensical and kind of stupid, but the dulcet melody and typically punchy instrumentation provide all the reason you could possibly require.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2dBsBW9yjY

8. Iron Maiden -- “The Number Of The Beast“

Were you aware that sometimes ridiculously goofy metal songs are inspired by the second installment of the Omen franchise? “The Number Of The Beast” is proof. It boasts the kind of title that makes twelve year-olds think Iron Maiden is a legitimately frightening band and the (ahem) ridiculous goofiness that forever disabuses them of that notion once they get old enough to purchase one of the band’s albums.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSPirTVKm9U

7. Kanye West (feat. Cam’Ron and Consequence) -- “Gone“

A remnant from Mr. West’s glory days. Remember when he specialized in good-time jams with rich and subtle undertones of melancholy instead of just expressing his misery through Auto-Tune and outdated drum machines? You should, because it was only a couple years ago. And it was great. ‘Ye gives himself two (!) excellent verses, the second even better than the first because it name-drops Jennifer Aniston and Anakin Skywalker. Cam’Ron talks his trademark surreal shit, the stuff that makes you think maybe his rhyme books got dropped from a passing spaceship, and Consequence almost steals the entire song with a truly astonishing verse that keeps cycling back to the titular word without sounding forced or desperate at any time. And because West-in-his-prime never settled for “merely excellent” when he could easily blow great gobs of mind-mass straight out the back of your skull, the song integrates some lush strings from Jon Brion (!!) when the beat briefly drops out.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=oc65hFCls8E

6. Spoon -- “I Turn My Camera On“

A lot of people want to be Prince; Britt Daniels (a lanky white dude who resides in Oregon and fronts one of the coolest nerd-bands ever) actually succeeds on this funky vamp. He becomes Prince for the song’s duration; the scene in the studio reportedly resembled An American Werewolf In London‘s notorious “transformation” scene. Probably took an entire team of janitors to clean up the mess, but it’ll only take one listen for this righteous jam to transform you into a Spoon fan forever. It also might make you feel like a private eye lurking in shadows, but that’s probably just me.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ro95Ns58qSE

5. The Beach Boys -- “In My Room“

As someone who spends a lot of time staring at the same four walls, this is my favorite type of song: an introvert’s rejection of the outside world. Most normal people will probably find it sad, but normal people shouldn’t be looking at this website. This is the quintessential Beach Boys track, and quite possibly emo’s real starting point.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRrHw5Kn3ZE

4. Metallica -- “Ain’t My Bitch“

Yes, I know -- Load is a lame, sloppy pile of shit. It’s Metallica’s second worst record, and you probably haven’t listened to it on purpose since 1997. Whatever. “Ain’t My Bitch” is one of the rare times when the band’s latter-day Frankensteining of crunchy alt-metal and classic Southern boogie really works, and it’s the perfect “fuck off” to any simpering turd-burglars raining on your hard-charging boner parade. Also, the solo kills -- whatever you think of Metallica’s weird, kinda sad second act, Kirk Hammett remains a god to anybody who ever wanted to absolutely murder six strings.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0p-xZbRfUs

3. The Strokes -- “Last Nite“

Some people will argue that the Strokes ripped this song’s main riff directly from Tom Petty’s “American Girl,” and they are absolutely correct -- it is a blatant theft. But those people are also missing the point of the song, which is this: people don’t understand. This is what we call a “perfect circle” when we are trying to sound smart. (What we really mean is that “Last Nite” curb-stomps “American Girl” because the Strokes are sexy and vicious, and Tom Petty is kind of a douche.)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1vvUec71v8

2. The Roots -- “Don’t Feel Right“

I normally hate the Roots, mostly because I am supposed to like them if I want to seem enlightened. The majority of their discography puts me to sleep with its snoozetastic “organic” approach to hip-hop. But “Don’t Feel Right” is my go-to jam when things just don’t feel right. Black Thought is perturbed by racism, the government, and poverty; my typical downers include going to work, getting bad tomatoes from the grocery store, and lack of quality weed (due to poverty). Nevertheless, I feel we share the same metaphorical boat for the four glorious minutes that “Don’t Feel Right” lasts; the beat, as usual, is all.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0ihRbPtfmA

1. Led Zeppelin -- “D’yer Maker“

Pasty white British guys do reggae. It doesn’t necessarily work, but it still works. And it makes you feel like a million bucks whenever you hear it.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoF4Dsd1uRU

Iconic Finnish rockers HIM have just released a new video for “Heartkiller,” the first single off their upcoming album Screamworks: Love in Theory and Practice. While I can’t say I like the art direction, and overall aesthetic, the song isn’t all that bad. For some reason I can’t help but be reminded of that movie Queen of the Damned with that weird rocker vampire Lestat de Lioncourt. Check out the video and an interview with Ville about the video below.

HIM frontman Ville Valo recently sat down with Metal Hammer magazine to discuss the forthcoming album saying, “Lyrically, it’s the most sexual

Direct Hit - Ronnys | May 7, 2010

Nick Woods and his crew play an all ages show at Ronny's in Chicago. Photography by "Third World" Timmy on his Nikon D90.

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The Action Blast - House of Blues | February 2010

The Action Blast's first show at House of Blues in Chicago. Photography by "Third World" Timmy on his Nikon D90.

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Welcome To Ashley - Darkroom | Chicago, May 29, 2010

Oswald Hobbes and "Third World" Timmy's second show at the Darkroom, and Welcome To Ashley did not disappoint. Photography by "Third World" Timmy on his Nikon D90.

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Empires - Lincoln Hall | Chicago, February 12, 2010

Empires plays a show at one of "Third World" Timmy's favorite new venues in Chicago, Lincoln Hall. Photography by "Third World" Timmy on his Nikon D90.

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The Fireship - Lincoln Hall | February 12, 2010

The Fireship opened up for Empires at Lincoln Hall, and I can see why they won the Pacific Sun battle of the bands competition. Photography by "Third World" Timmy on his Nikon D90.

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This Is Me Smiling - Lincoln Hall | February 12, 2010

This Is Me Smiling also opened up for Empires at Lincoln Hall, and were the pleasant surprise of the night. Rufus Wainwright eat your heart out. Photography by "Third World" Timmy on his Nikon D90.

20 Photos

A Hero Named Hope - The Metro | August 15, 2009

Adam Hendle and friends from A Hero Named Hope in their first headling show at Metro. Photography by "Third World" Timmy on his Nikon D90.

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Jemina Pearl - Beat Kitchen | February 6, 2010

By far one of the most energetic punk rock shows I have been to in a long time. "It's JEMEEEEAAAAANA not like aunt Jemima!" Photography by "Third World" Timmy on his Nikon D90.

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Kid, You'll Move Mountains - Lincoln Hall | February 5, 2010

"Third World" Timmy's first show at Lincoln Hall and it was a doozy with indie-rockers Kid, You'll Move Mountains. All photography shot on a Nikon D90.

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The Swellers - The Metro | November 24, 2009

One of "Third World" Timmy's favorite new bands of 2009, and he's lucky enough to snap a few shots of them with his D90 during their quick set at The Metro.

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Torch Singer - Ronny's | January 8, 2010

The Sarmiento's and their new band play at the dark and mysterious dive bar Ronny's. All photography shot by "Third World" Timmy on his Nikon D90 after drinking 7 PBRs.

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Welcome To Ashley - Empty Bottle | February 13, 2010

Photos from Welcome To Ashley's headlining set at one of my new favorite rock joints, The Empty Bottle. All photography on done with the Nikon D90.

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Kina Grannis - Beat Kitchen | Chicago June 10, 2010

Kina Grannis plays to a packed house at Beat Kitchen and gets numerous requests for her hand in marriage. Photography by Tim Toomey on his Nikon D90.

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Geronimo! - Fireside | June 22, 2010

Geronimo! headlines at the Fireside Bowl. All photography by Tim Toomey on his Nikon D90.

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The Please And Thank Yous - Fireside | June 22, 2010

The Please And Thank Yous opened up for Geronimo! at the legendary Fireside Bowl in Chicago. For some reason they left the lights on though? All photos by Tim Toomey on his D90.

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Jonny Rumble - Beat Kichen | June 25, 2010

Jonny Rumble rocks Oswald Hobbes' and "Third World" Timmy's fucking faces off at their album release show at the Beat Kitchen. All photography by Tim Toomey on his D90.

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He added, “I like the immediacy of it. There’s a lot of information put in short songs and they don’t let go. That was the whole vibe for me. You should have seen me working the vocals out in the middle of the night, amongst my taxidermy owls in the tower screaming my guts out, unable to stop until 9:00 a.m. and then sleeping on a couch for two hours before starting again. So the whole process of the album is very close to that mental boner that just didn’t go away.”

Screamworks: Love in Theory and Practice will hit stores in the U.S. on February 9th. For more information on HIM, visit their official site at www.heartagram.com.

Ville talks about Heartkiller

The initial bands have been revealed for the 2010 edition of the annual “Vans Warped Tour“, with more groups to be added in the coming months.

Bands playing entire tour

Ace Enders
After Midnight Project
AM Taxi
Anarbor
Alesana
Andrew WK
Artist Vs. Poet
Attack Attack!
Breathe Carolina
Breathe Electric
Closure In Moscow
Confide
Emarosa
Emmure
Eyes Set To Kill
Fake Problems
Far From Finished
Fight Fair
Hey Monday
In Fear and Faith
Mayday Parade
NeverShoutNever
Of Mice and Men
Parkway Drive
Pierce The Veil
Rev Peyton’s Big Damn Band
Riverboat Gamblers
Set Your Goals
Suicide Silence
Sum 41
The Cab
The Casualties
The Dillinger Escape Plan
The Rocket Summer
The Summer Set
VersaEmerge
We Are The In Crowd
Whitechapel
You Me at Six

Bands playing segments of tour

Bring Me The Horizon (6/24-7/30, 8/5-8/15)
Call The Cops (6/24 – 7/18)
Chaseband (7/22 – 7/26)
Chase Long Beach (8/7 – 8/15)
Deal’s Gone Bad (7/26 – 8/2)
Disco Curtis (7/20 – 8/15)
Enter Shikari (6/24 – 7/18)
Every Time I Die (7/2 – 8/15)
Flatfoot 56 (7/11 – 8/2)
Haste The Day (7/20 – 8/15)
Initials (7/29 – 8/8)
I See Stars (6/24 – 7/18)
iwrestledabearonce (7/20 – 8/15)
Last Call Chernobyl (6/27 – 7/10)
Middle Finger Salute (7/11 – 7/26)
Motion City Soundtrack (6/24, 6/27- 7/16)
Polar Bear Club (6/24 – 7/18)
Reel Big Fish (7/13 – 8/15)
Sparks The Rescue (6/24 – 7/18)
Speakeasy Tiger (6/27 – 7/6)
The All-American Rejects (6/24 – 7/18)
The Frantic (6/27-7/8, 7/31)
The Flatliners (7/9 – 7/18)
The Snips (7/9 – 7/10)
The Swellers (6/24 – 7/17)
The Word Alive (7/20 – 8/15)
Tip The Van (7/20 – 7/31)
We The Kings (6/26 – 8/2)

Tour Dates

June 24th San Diego, CA -Cricket Amphitheatre
June 25th Pomona, CA – Pomona Fairplex
June 26th Mountain View, CA – Shoreline Amphitheatre
June 27th Ventura, CA – Seaside Park
June 29th Phoenix, AZ – Cricket Pavilion
June 30th Las Cruces, NM – N.M.S.U. Practice Field
July 01st San Antonio, TX – AT&T Center
July 02nd Houston, TX – The Showgrounds At Sam Houston Race Park
July 03rd Dallas, TX – Superpages.com Center
July 05th St.Louis, MO – Verizon Wireless Amphitheater
July 06th Indianapolis, IN – Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre
July 07th Burgettstown, PA – Post Gazette Pavilion
July 08th Cleveland, OH – Time Warner Cable Amphitheatre
July 09th Toronto, ON – Arrow Hall
July 10th Montreal, QC – Parc Jean Drapeau
July 11th Hartford, CT – Comcast Theater
July 13th Mansfield, MA – Comcast Center
July 14th Darien Center, NY – Darien Lake P.A.C.
July 15th Scranton, PA – Toyota Pavilion
July 16th Camden, NJ – Susquehanna Bank Center
July 17th Uniondale, NY – Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum
July 18th Oceanport, NJ – Monmouth Park Racetrack
July 20th Columbia, MD – Merriweather Post Pavilion
July 21st Virginia Beach, VA – Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre
July 22nd Charlotte, NC – Verizon Wireless Amphitheater
July 23rd St. Petersburg, FL – Vinoy Park
July 24th West Palm Beach, FL – Cruzan Amphitheater
July 25th Orlando, FL – Central Florida Fairgrounds
July 26th Atlanta, GA – Lakewood Amphitheater
July 28th Cincinnati, OH – Riverbend Music Center
July 29th Milwaukee, WI – Marcus Amphitheater
July 30th Detroit, MI – Comerica Park
July 31st Tinley Park, IL – First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre
August 01st Shakopee, MN – Canterbury Park
August 02nd Bonner Springs, KS – Sandstone Amphitheatre
August 05th Calgary, AB – Race City Speedway
August 07th Salt Lake City, UT – Utah State Fairgrounds
August 08th Denver, CO – Invesco Field
August 11th Los Angeles, CA – Home Depot Center
August 12th Wheatland, CA – Sleep Train Amphitheatre
August 13th Nampa, ID – Idaho Center Amphitheatre
August 14th George, WA – Gorge Amphitheater
August 15th Hillsboro, OR – Washington County Fairgrounds

The Challenge

Sometimes at the Assault offices we can’t agree on things and, instead of respectfully disagreeing, we challenge each other like small children on the playground.  Earlier this year, Third World Timmy challenged me to listen to Rise Against’s entire discography and see if maybe my opinion of them would improve after being exposed to their music. This is the true story of what happened.

Opening Statement

I never had a valid reason to hate Rise Against. I like punk rock, and I don’t mind having some extreme left-wing politics thrown into the mix. So the obvious question is, from whence did my deep-burning hatred for this band spring forth? There are three main reasons, at least two of which make no logical sense whatsoever.  To wit:

• Their reconciling of radical ideals with pop success is sometimes less than successful.
• Their radio singles are incredibly stupid and shallow.
• I already liked Against Me!, and thought that another “Against” band would just be pushing it.

So, as you can see, my reasoning is not always sound. But I do tend to stick by my opinions once formed. Could actually listening to the band’s albums trasnform me into a fan?

The Evidence

Consider me Optimus Prime, motherfucker! (Or at least Bumblebee.) Because once I  dug into the band’s albums, I found an awful lot to like, and actually began turning other folks on to Rise Against. As is pretty typical, the radio singles don’t come close to telling the whole story. For instance: Rise Against recorded two albums of no-frills, balls-to-the-wall basement punk for Fat Wreck Chords before they jumped to a major and started appearing on Guitar Hero playlists.

The Unraveling (2001)

The Unraveling, their first full length, is a bit repetitive but it’s also loud, raucous, and so intense you might get ear blisters. Some of the songs also seem a bit more personal than their later work, which was refreshing – leader Tim McIlrath will  never be a poet of the human condition or anything, but hearing him drop the socio-political gobbledygook and address a few issues closer to home endeared the group to me. It’s a bit like seeing your dad naked, but not as awkward. All the dudes in Rise Against are human beings, and the amateurish punk-rock captured on The Unraveling makes it pretty hard to hate on them for becoming such a crushing monolith later on.

Revolutions Per Minute (2003)

Speaking of that monolith business, their second album Revolutions Per Minute is the great step forward in their evolution from scrappy gutter punks to full-fledged world-beaters. The production values are stepped up and the track list is shorter – where The Unraveling runs long and starts to seem like one dragged-out rant, Revolutions Per Minute is an honest-to-god Rock Record with a clear beginning and end. It’s here that McIlrath started his tradition of hitting hard with a state-of-the-union track right at the beginning, and it has worked now for four albums running. It’s a good trick.

Listening to Revolutions Per Minute is when I started to recognize the band’s real skill at marrying awesome pop-punk melodies with biting political commentary. But this is also where we run into some problems: What is the value of that commentary? What are McIlrath’s qualifications? Undoubtedly these concerns are superfluous to most listeners, because who really gives a shit what a band is talking about as long as they’re consistently kicking your ass with rock firepower? But these are my concerns, and I had to grapple with them. Here’s what I came up with:

The value of the band’s commentary is nil. I don’t care what they think about any given subject, although I won’t hesitate to pump my fist whenever they shout-out generally agreeable shit about equality. I feel like McIlrath is a little too hard on America – it’s my opinion that this is still the greatest country in which a person who enjoys freedom and opportunity can live, no matter how many bungled wars and bad elections we must endure. America is not bullshit, and I get a little testy when the band keeps insisting that it is, but McIlrath is (fortunately) not an expert. He’s a layman, which means his words carry no more weight than my average drunken buddy. I can ignore the stuff I don’t like and focus on the riffs, which are frequently amazing.

Siren Song Of The Counter Culture (2004)

Moving forward: The band’s third album (and major label debut) Siren Song Of The Counter Culture is quite possibly their best, street cred be damned. The album actually starts harder and meaner, like they’re trying to prove that a bigger recording budget and sweeter royalty checks haven’t made them soft. It’s my pet theory that every punk band has one truly great record in them. This generally occurs when they master sonic dynamics to the point that the listener can’t get bored no matter how much the songs sound the same, and Siren Song is like that. It’s a roller coaster of a record, with the band even unplugging for the gentle-but-urgent “Swing Life Away” without losing any of their momentum. There are no bad songs here, and no filler, either – this is an A+ punk record that everyone should own. It’s in my regular rotation now, and for that I must thank Timmy. Siren Song Of The Counter Culture is an album that actually improves your life; it gets me so pumped up sometimes that I have to take a smoke break before resuming my normal activities.

The Sufferer And The Witness (2006)

Rise Against’s follow-up, The Sufferer And The Witness, is a little more varied but a little less intense. It follows the same basic formula as Siren Song, which means that it’s impact is necessarily a little dulled, but it also contains my favorite Rise Against song. “The Approaching Curve” is a dark, haunting narrative delivered in by McIlrath in rapid speak-sing, set to ominious minor-key chords and exploding every so often into an awesome chorus. It displays a new level of craft and sophistication, and if I had to choose between Sufferer and Siren Song, it might actually nudge the former ahead. Slightly. Like I said, these two albums are remarkably similar, and they’re both dazzingly muscular and hooky. I’d call them companions.

Appeal To Reason (2008)

Rise Against’s latest record, Appeal To Reason, is more of the same, and at this point the schtick is getting a little tired. But it’s also their slickest and most radio-ready set yet, as evidenced by “Savior”s utter dominance of Chicago alt-rock airwaves. This is a song that I hated when I first heard it, and actually memorized just so I could mock it. Flash forward a couple months and I’m embarrassing myself at a Christmas party, about ten drinks in and completely eviscerating the song on Rock Band. (Tim will testify to the shock and awe of this horrfiying performance.) I’m not that keen on Appeal To Reason, not necessarily because it’s bad but because I don’t need another album like this in my collection. Also, I was so blown away by the band’s previous two records that maybe I’m just not able to totally process this one yet.

The Verdict

I will probably never love Rise Against the way Third World Timmy does; my Chicago punk band of choice will forever be Alkaline Trio, not just because I’m a fan of drinking and being Satanic but because their tales of heartbreak and liver damage are way more relatable. Try as I might, I just can’t get too fired up about political rock. I’d rather re-enroll in community college for a seventh year and take some history classes than get my info from a punk band. But that’s just me – if this is the kind of stuff that floats your boat, Rise Against is like strapping a motor on your schooner. They’re fierce, they’re intelligent, and they rock harder than most other bands in their particular weight class. I can now say I consider myself a fan.

From time to time I am delighted with an “epic as fuck” music video that reminds me of the good old days when… well, when bands actually made cool, hip videos with totally sweet dance moves. This video is precisely that, and now I’m punching myself in the face for not going to see Chromeo when the funk duo was in town this October. God damn Halloween parties.

Want more Chromeo?

• Chromeo on iTunes
• Chromeo on Green Label Sound
• Chromeo Official Website

Ever since the first time I saw Thrice live at the Fireside Bowl in Chicago when I was 16 I knew they’d be big. It’s been awhile since I connected as much with them (musically) on anything they’ve released, but I remain a loyal fan nonetheless. Here’s their new video I stumbled across on MySpace:

I’ve been listening to alternative rock stations for over fifteen years now, sometimes a lot more consistently than others. If we’re being honest, I took a ten year break from radio once I started purchasing CDs, and it was only after my own car died and I had to drive my girlfriend’s (which has no CD player) that I came back to the black box.

One thing I’ve noticed is that things aren’t that different from when I was in sixth grade, smuggling my Walkman into class so I could hear a new Smashing Pumpkins song the first time it was played. The top 10 tips for you struggling bands trying to get on Q101… I mean… alt-rock radio are below:

1. Be Kurt Cobain

Unrealistic? Sure. Foolproof? Definitely! These guys play Nirvana like 97.9 plays Led Zeppelin. And it’s not just “Smells Like Teen Spirt,” either; I recently heard their acoustic cover of David Bowie’s “The Man Who Sold The World.” Not exactly a deep cut, as it appeared on the band’s “Unplugged in New York” record, but still – the only other band that consistently gets non-singles played on these stations is Pearl Jam.

2. Be an ex-member of Nirvana.

This worked wonders for Dave Grohl; Foo Fighters just released their first greatest hits compilation, although that disc is kind of unnecessary for anybody with access to their local alt-rock station.

3. Take your cues from Pearl Jam’s first two albums..

Don’t try anything new, in other words, because that’s not what radio is all about. Although that wasn’t always the case: Remember that weekend, right before PJ’s Vitalogy came out, when radio stations were giving away free copies (on vinyl, no less) and playing every single track from the record (at the band’s request)? That would never happen now. You can catch “Even Flow” or “Daughter” on an almost daily basis, but don’t expect to hear “The Fixer” or anything else from Pearl Jam’s new record. The venerable tastemakers in their ivory alt-rock towers are only interested in stuff that sounds like OLD Pearl Jam.

4. Be metal, but not TOO metal.

Programmers will allow a little metal now and again, but it’s never fun (like Motley Crue) or intense (like Slayer). It’s always mid-tempo nu-schlock with chunky riffs and a really angry white guy screaming about his indestructability. Or something. (The only real exception to this rule is Metallica; they’ve proved commercially viable enough for so long now that even easy-listening stations won’t hesitate to drop “Enter Sandman” into rotation.)

5. Hang in there!

Although rock radio shamelessly ignores new artists, if you wait around long enough, toiling in mediocrity, you might make it on to a playlist. How else to make sense of airplay for perpetual non-starters like 30 Seconds to Mars? Their music hasn’t approved in any appreciable way, yet their new single gets to rub elbows with alt-rock’s elite.

6. Get pissed.

From Rage Against the Machine to Rise Against, rich guys railing against something, anything, is big business. “Guerilla Radio,” for instance, still gets a ton of spins, usually sandwiched between ads for penis enlargement pills and strip clubs.

7. Write a self-reflexively goofy novelty song.

No joke: I was sitting in traffic the other day and I actually heard “Pepper” by The Butthole Surfers. I couldn’t even drive a car when that song was released, and it was a weak knock off of Beck’s “Loser” then, too. Don’t hold your breath waiting for any rock station to play the Surfers’ truly incendiary ’80s work.

8. Smooth out your kinks.

Punk vets AFI have become a mainstay on mainstream rock radio in the last few years, but do you think they ever got spins when they played fast-paced, horror-influenced pop punk? No. They had to start wearing make-up and imitating the fake grandeur of late period Green Day.

9. Layer some blips and bleeps in there.

The programmers at alt-rock stations hate the sounds that guitars make naturally, so get your “electronica” mojo working and try to get everything sounding like our future dystopia’s national anthem. This is called the Nine Inch Nails Effect, and it fucking works!

10. Keep it boring.

It’s difficult, I know, but you need to maintain the illusion that bands like Smashing Pumpkins and Pearl Jam wrote the Book Of Real Rock ‘n’ Roll. Emulate bands that were famous in the ’90s – don’t worry about what’s happening now, or what might happen in the future. Your real role model should be the band Bush – four guys that never had an original idea but capitalized on radio’s need to embrace what’s already been done. They may have been from across the pond, but that’s a real American success story.