In the long run, emo may have been the best thing to happen to pop-punk since the invention of power chords – the former genre’s emphasis on petty personal grievances, name-calling, and ridiculously “clever” song titles has pushed the latter in a more emotionally mature direction. The Vancouver band Carpenter, for example, worship at the altar of American Fool-era Mellencamp, play songs about making positive life decisions, and think independent farming is cool. It’d be easy to scoff at these guys for showing up a little late to the heartland party, but far more difficult to argue with their enthusiasm and good cheer. Sure, it’s a beyond-hoary cliché to sing about one horse towns – but listen to that ecstatic guitar solo placed at exactly the right moment!

“One Horse Town,” “Long Hard Day,” “Just Another Friday Night” – at first glance, Sea To Sky (the band’s second album, released this previous September) might seem like just more blue collar blackface. But Carpenter’s songs are honest tales of daily-grindin.’ Even when they’re about to hit a “rigors of the road” wall on “Northern Exposure,” the track suddenly, defiantly explodes into a “But we don’t need another sad song!” refrain. “Joan” is the obligatory power ballad (and the only real tempo change-up on hand), and while Carpenter can’t (yet) make that kind of melodrama truly compelling, I’m awarding beaucoup bonus points for putting the album’s inevitable “lap steel for authenticity’s sake” bit into one of the more uptempo numbers instead of the obvious slow-and-sad choice. (The shit sounds wild on “Just Another Friday Night,” like it’s a real party.) The band definitely fare best when they’re in “halfway through a six pack after a long shift at the local factory” mode.

My only caveat: how many bands can sound like this? With Gaslight Anthem, Against Me, and the Hold Steady (among many, less famous others) all mining similar territory, we must be approaching capacity on this particular bandwagon. And spreading out into such a direction seems like a lateral move for a punk group; one extremely simple style swapped out for another, and it feels almost like progress. But, ultimately, Carpenter are their own band, and this is their adventure. As singer Daniel Sioui bellows late in the game, “It’s not about the fun / But being proud of what I’ve done!” That’s noble, and I wouldn’t mind hearing Sea To Sky while working through a six pack after my own long hard day. Carpenter can certainly be proud of that.

Carpenter:

• MySpace
• Goldstock Records
• Paper + Plastick

Lately it seems like everybody I know is up my ass about how much the Gaslight Anthem sucks, almost as if I’m the band’s official spokesperson, or secret ghostwriter, or somehow responsible for the success of The 59 Sound. I’m not, I’m not, and I wasn’t, but you can definitely count me among the band’s fans. This here is their new video for the title track from the recently released American Slang, which I don’t think is as good as the record before it but definitely not a total clunker, either. And I think this song is one of the ones that prove they’ve still got it. I’d like for all the haters to now place this video into their mouths and straight-up suck it:

It’s easy to forget that Against Me! is an awesome rock band, mostly because Tom Gabel is an asshole. Or, rather, he seems like an asshole -- I’ve never met Mr. Gabel “IRL” (as the kids say) but he comes off like a reactionary, über-defensive prick in interviews and on his personal blog. And he’s really driven this whole backlash thing straight into the ground -- the second song on White Crosses, Against Me!’s second Butch Vig-produced record for Sire, is called “I Was A Teenage Anarchist” and lets rip with “Don’t you remember when you were young and you wanted to set the world on fire?” on its chorus. It’s the sound of Gabel getting on his knees and begging for people to get over the whole “anarchy thing.”

Well, maybe he should get over it. Nobody else cares except for the idiots who confuse “anarchy” with “utopia.” I certainly never loved Against Me! for their politics -- I loved them because Gabel wrote honest, searing tunes, and because the guys in his band played the stuff straight. I’ve been accused of being on a “ridiculous” quest to find “real rock ‘n’ roll,” but seriously, all the music on the radio sounds compressed and shitty, and most of the indie records that come out are too smug to drop the RAWK bomb. Against Me! have always just bashed it out and trusted that Gabel’s lyrics would sell the whole package.

But now comes White Crosses, which is being hyped with a lot of irresponsible talk about Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen. It really sounds like neither man’s work -- it’s too fast, and too shiny. I cranked this up in my car and it almost made my ears bleed; it sounds like a Killers record. I don’t think Butch Vig is the best guy to be manning the boards for this band. The punk numbers are fast and punchy (“Rapid Decompression” and the title track being the two best examples) but the big showstoppers suffer from an overabundance of polish and studio gimcrackery.

Also, the cops are perhaps a little too direct: I know all the great ones steal, but does Gabel have to steal from such obvious sources? The echoed guitars needling up texture in the back of “Spanish Moss” are basically identical to the Edge’s breakthrough riff on “I Will Follow” (although, as a sidenote, I’m somewhat delighted to hear a band cribbing from a period of U2′s history other than The Joshua Tree / Achtung Baby), and “Because Of The Shame” makes a ham-handed joke of its own “Bobby Jean” aspirations. (Don’t even get me started on the “How Soon Is Now?” riff that floats over the verses on “Suffocation.”) At one point I was like, “What is this, a fucking Muse record?” And then they started singing about smashing crosses again, so it was cool. But seriously.

No, Against Me! fare much better when they do their particular thing, which is the timeless thing of writing simple, honest, emotionally raw songs without any gimmicks. “We’re Breaking Up” is almost robotic in its cold analysis of a relationship’s faults, and mighty reassuring after the teen-love blunder of New Wave‘s “Bourne On The FM Waves Of The Heart.” (Although, why’s this guy writing breakup songs when he’s freshly married to Alkaline Trio’s super-hot merch girl?) “Ache With Me” fulfills the album’s ballad obligations, to pretty solid effect; I honestly could’ve done without it, but it’s not like I’m gonna sit here and cry about it, either. Obviously Against Me! want to grow up and be a barband, so they gotta have a few ballads in there. “I Was A Teenage Anarchist” will make you forgive Gabel if you were ever mad. Seriously, people that think Against Me! betrayed you: they didn’t. They’re like forty years old now.

Especially old is George Rebelo, of Hot Water Music fame, who has stepped in to replace Warren Oakes on drums. (Oakes opened up his own burrito stand and probably enjoys life 10x more now that he doesn’t have to hear Gabel whining all day long on the tour bus, #amirite?) There’s a soft spot in my heart for Hot Water Music, and Rebelo’s a good drummer, but it’s just too weird for me when guys from bands I used to like join bands that I currently like (see also: Johnny Marr hanging out with Modest Mouse). My only big complaint about White Crosses is that this doesn’t really sound like a good old band anymore; it mostly sounds like Gabel doing a solo project.

But, really, this is a good record. I’ll play this all summer long. If I was seventeen, this would be the bro-down record of the year. But it makes me wonder why the band still puts so much emphasis on the punk angle when Gabel’s heart is so clearly someplace else. He wants to be the new Boss, but he won’t get there by half-heartedly emulating the old one. Against Me! need to make a break at this point and do something totally different, because if their sound gets any softer they’re gonna have to drop that exclamation point.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7RUeMCZL3Q

Against Me!

• Official Site
• MySpace
• Last.fm
• Tom Gabel’s Blog

In listening to Titus Andronicus’s The Monitor I am reminded of another critically acclaimed album: Funeral by Arcade Fire. Both albums attempt to put the whole of the human experience, love and death, sex and war, into music. But where Arcade Fire created a melancholy tale of the loss of childhood and the journey to adulthood, The Monitor becomes the anthem for the last days of summer, creating a soundtrack for an eternal adolescence  that we all wish we could have on the backdrop of a tale of the American Civil War.

The album’s title is a reference to the first ironclad warship, the USS Monitor, and the final track, “The Battle Of Hampton Roads,” refers to the battle between the Monitor and the CSS Virginia. The concept of a “war between brothers” lends well to the emotional turmoil present in lead singer Patrick Stickles’ vocals and in the lyrical content  of the music. In an industry flooded with overprocessed and overproduced music it’s refreshing to hear a band that cares more about the passion in their music than how nice it sounds, which makes the music sound great anyway. It seems almost a shame to point out specific songs as stand-outs: this is not a singles album. The album only really works as a whole, cohesive, piece of work, although I would be remiss to point out the excellent one-two-three punch of “A More Perfect Union,” “Titus Andronicus Forever,” and “No Future Part Three: Escape From No Future.” But again, if you have the ability to, buy the whole damn record. It’s that good.

In a previous review I called She & Him’s Volume Two the most anticipated sophmore release of the year. Do not misconstrue this as me saying it is it the best. I wholeheartedly believe the Titus Andronicus’ The Monitor wins that award, and is already a contender for best record of the year. Buy This Damn Record Now.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=KniCoepfBWE

Titus Andronicus:

• MySpace
• Last.fm
• Blogspot

In honor of everyone’s favorite drinking holiday (and also because we just favorably reviewed their brand new live disc), we thought we’d sure this festive live clip of Dropkick Murphys performing their smash hit “I’m Shipping Up To Boston.” I’m getting thirsty for some green beer just thinking about this video. So raise a Guinness in salute to the patron saint of getting ridiculously shitfaced and enjoy:

Today, we have a special treat for our readers: you can stream the new You Me At Six album, Hold Me Down, for free, right here. Yes, you heard correctly: it’s free. So click the little mp3-player there and start jamming. And then buy Hold Me Down so you can hear it the way it’s supposed to sound.

If you’re a socially angry, post-college, generally aggro dude like myself, there’s probably nothing that gets you higher than a band like Rise Against that includes scathing political commentary in their music. The straight forward Hatebreed-inspired hardcore of Monument to Thieves’ new self-titled album nails this particular style, with heavy guitars and rampaging vocals broken up with samples from popular network news channels and interviews with telling clips about some of the social issues ringing true to many people whether it’s gay marriage rights (something we feel so strongly about we designed a t-shirt about it)  and even the health care debate.

This disc brings back memories of flying through my old neighborhood in the suburbs trying to piss off the neighborhood with some loud Slipknot or Poison the Well. What sets the band apart from the rest of the screamo-style heavy metal I grew up with is themes that are relatable, on a personal level, to many of the people that I used to piss off. Despite sticking to a heavy metal formula set in stone by acts like Hatebreed and countless others long before them, Monument To Thieves manage to make you drive a bit faster and head bang a bit harder.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=btTQODMAQSk

Songs like “How Far Can We Fall” and “Just Like Me” are my personal favorites, and will no doubt be the biggest mosh-pit starters on the album. But overall this is one of those albums you have to listen to all the way through, rather than cherry-picking singles, if you really want to enjoy the material to its fullest.

Monument To Thieves:

• MySpace
• Last.FM
• No Sleep Records

Do you remember your first record? Of course you do. Music fans remember their first records like a first love, first time on a rollercoaster, or their first time at an R-rated movie. It’s their first real step into the art form. Many have cool first albums -- The Beatles, Nirvana, what have you. I’d bet some are recalled with some embarrassment. If not, there’s probably something that they outgrew eventually. Personally, I think i can get through a rough chronology of my music collection -- rougher in the middle, to be sure, but a traceable timeline. That’s what this new feature is about: those first records that got me into music in the first place.

Now, I’m not trying to encourage wasteful navel-gazing: my goal here is to spill some highlights and low lights from my early collection and re-evaluate the music that’s moved me the most. I assume a chunk of our readership would belong to the same age group, so we can also beat back some of that bullshit baby boomer nostalgia with our own, if you wish. My goal is not to be complete; I’m not John Cusack in High Fidelity. My music is never gonna fully be in chronological order, but I can recollect enough to make something interesting of it.

With that all square, let’s start with my start: seventh grade, when I bought my first portable CD player and two CDs: Americana by The Offspring and Follow the Leader by Korn. Trust me, I’ve got a lot to say about Korn at a later date, so let’s focus now on those SoCal punksters The Offspring. Americana was the first CD I heard in full, at any rate.

Ah, to be young, deeply inexperienced and suburban: probably the only way to appreciate this album. The Offspring’s Americana must be among my first exposure to any concept of punk. My reaction was a “Holy shit, right? Fuck the ‘norm,’ maaaan, whatever that is.” Fuck those poseur white dudes trying to be black. Fuck getting a job! But, man, life is full of bad shit that’ll get ya too. For the uninitiated, I just described the three big singles from Americana: “Pretty Fly (For a White Guy),” “Why Don’t You Get a Job?” and “The Kids are Alright.” These were the songs I heard that convinced me that this album was worth getting, and I’m relieved to say that 2 out of 3 hold up pretty well.

The lone exception is “Pretty Fly (For a White Guy),” which is enough of a novelty song that anyone older than 12 could see its shelf life was only a few days. Its pop culture references are horribly dated; I’m not sure if I would get the Ricki Lake reference if she wasn’t on after my cartoons as a child. The whole idea of a white guy trying to be “gangsta” also instantly got dated once Eminem started hanging out with Dr. Dre and rapping credibly. But that’s a future entry, and I won’t get ahead of myself. The point is: “Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)” was funny enough to convince me to get my mom to spend $15 of her money on it.

The other two songs still retain some spirit, if not their freshness. “Why Don’t You Get a Job?” is a flippant rebuttal to responsibility, built on a jaunty reggae rhythm. It’s impressive that the band was able to go left field like that and make a hit out of it -- diversity is generally not The Offspring’s strong point. While now all of their songs seem a little silly to me, this one at least sounds as silly as its premise. “The Kids Aren’t Alright” is the album’s closest approximation to The Offspring doing the straight-ahead rock they did so well on their breakthrough Smash. It’s little story verses were “truth” to me, as a barely-teenager, a sad eulogy for lives fucked up from hard living. Now, I’m more inclined to feel the riffs and the solo, which manage to be heavy and catchy as hell.

Really, in hindsight, it’s probably best to forget the lyrics to most of the album. Maybe what made it great to me back then was its very directness. I didn’t notice it initially, but now, it’s inescapable how dumb these lyrics are. No subtext: lead singer Dexter Holland’s attempt at a cutting look at the shallowness of American culture? “Americana.”  Not a bad song -- but the lyrics: “Now give me my cable, fast food, four-by’s, tats right away/I want it right now cause my generation don’t like to wait… Everything’s backwards/ In Americana my way/Well! Fuck! you!” for example, attack the ideas directly, for better or worse. It’s the attempt to define “Americana” as something foreign to “America” that bugs me most, I suppose.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzY2Qcu5i2A

The more relationship-heavy songs are the absolute worse, though, and they come one after the other in the middle of the album. “Feelings” is apparently a parody of somesuch whatever, but it still comes off as macho bullshit anyway. Meanwhile, “She’s Got Issues” was funny way back when, but now, having been in a few relationships, comes off as just misogynist and mean. The first verse especially: “I’m seeing this girl and she just might be out of her mind/Well she’s got baggage and it’s all the emotional kind.” The explanation that her “baggage” is “all the emotional kind” is too much for me, and it’s probably the closest thing to a non-literal lyric here.

It’s when they get lighter and frothier that they come off well most consistently, such as “Why Don’t You Get a Job” or the Green Day-ish “Walla Walla.” The darker, more serious moments, “The Kids Aren’t Alright” aside, feel pithy from the perspective of someone not in his teens anymore. The rest passes harmlessly. For a first album to buy, though, this isn’t so bad -- I’m glad that at least some of it holds up.

Final Verdict (would I do it again?): Keep the highlights, ditch the rest. Thank God for MP3s.

Anyone who’s lived in the South knows that if you’re not a country band, metal band, or rapper–that there’s really no scene for your particular genre of music. If you plucked Newamerica (formerly The Discover Radio) out of Clarksville and plopped them into the local pop-punk scene in any big city there’s no doubt they’d fit right in.

Assault.it: I noticed you guys are from Clarksville, Georgia. If Georgia is anything like I remember (I went to school at SCAD) then it probably sucks in that area. Have you had luck touring locally in your area, and if so, what’s the scene like in that region of the country?

Jared: Yeah, Georgia seems to get a pretty bad reputation – not only for its lack of a defined music scene, but also for its lack of. . . well, things to do. We are from Clarkesville. We don’t kid ourselves like a lot of Georgia pop/punkers and say we’re from the ATL. We’re not that cool. But I think we like that about us – it fits. We’re just some honest kids who do what we can musically, and then hang out and do the whole small-town thing in the meantime. I guess we are what we seem to be – not trying to be city kids with bright purple shirts with monsters on them. Just normal, small-town kids. As far as the music scene goes, there isn’t really one – at least for our genre. And the bands that are in it, we’re not really into. This has probably been good for us though, allowing us to define our own sound and mature at our own pace.

If you had to pick your biggest influences as a band, who would it be and why?

Alex: We have a lot of different individual influences. Some bands that have definitely influenced us as a whole are Taking Back Sunday, New Found Glory, The Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, and Brand New.

Assault.it: I noticed that your MySpace didn’t have any tour dates on it–any plans to totour in the near future? Are there any other bands in your area you’d like to tour/play with?

Joel: Well, as of now, we’re in the studio for a few more weeks (which we’re super stoked about), we are beginning to book for the month of March and we’ll be doing mini tours throughout the spring to build up some hype about the band. We like to think that this is a new era for the band so we’re making sure that everything is sort of ‘ in-tune so we can take Georgia as a whole instead of bits and pieces. We’re currently booking a 3 week summer tour that’ll be all the way up the East coast. As far as bands in our area, there aren’t too many as it is. They’re either metal or country. So I’m going to have to say, as of now, we’re in the works of building a scene for this area.

Seems to me like you guys were early adopters into the pop-punk scene–any ideas where your music is headed next? Will you be at the forefront of the next major shift in the punk/rock genre?

Jared: We like to think that we were kind of part of this incredible scene from the beginning – well, as much as we could be for being our age. As far as where the direction our music is heading – it’s hard to say exactly, but I do know it will not be electronic. We did that whole thing, it got wore out, so we’re out. I think just solid pop/punk-genuine pop/punk – a genre that has been messed with and messed up by so many bands these days that it’s almost lost the very thing that attracted us to it in the beginning – that’s what we’re hoping for at least! We’ll see! I think we have the potential to redirect the scene, but we’re still learning ourselves (and I mean that doubly).

Can you walk us through the process in which you create songs from concept to actualization, especially the song writing process?

Alex: We don’t really have a set way of writing our songs. Usually either Jared will start the process with something he wrote on the guitar, or it starts with a melody or lyrics on Joel’s end. Once the song idea has been thought out, we add drums, bass, more guitar, and lead. It’s nothing too complicated but it seems to work out well.

What separates you from the rest of the bands out there on the scene now?

Jared: I think the biggest thing that separates us from the rest of the bands in the scene right now is the fact that we actually have a genuine sincerity for the scene. We’ve grown up in it and kind of know the history of it – so our appreciation goes deeper than the All Time Low rip-off band’s. That and the fact that we are pretty nice guys – we don’t think higher of ourselves than anyone else. We listen to every band we play with, whether it’s four hours before our set, or four hours after. We care about people, we care about the scene, and we just want to get as much out of this as we can. Also, we’re not trying to hook up with any of the desperate-for-attention girls that feed off the scene at the shows.

If we were to give everyone to read this article $3, what would you have them do with it?

Alex: I’d say buy some songs from our EP! Or buy some songs from other local bands who could really use the money.

If everyone we gave $3 was forced to buy songs form your album, what 3 would you say were your best and why?

Joel: Jeez, this is a tough one. Well, I really don’t know. We’ve changed so much since we’ve recorded those songs. I’d feel weird recommending those songs to anyone now that we’ve started recording our new stuff. But I’d say “I’ve Got You,” “Raising the Bar,” and “What’s Missing.” But I’d definitely tell them our new stuff is something to look out for!

Is there anyone you wouldn’t want to listen to your music?

Jared: Of course not! I want everyone to listen to us! Metalheads and gangsta-thugs alike. All are wanted.

On a dream tour, who would you be playing with? Who would be your openers?

Jared: Dream tour: Paramore (those guys are legit people), Hellogoodbye (preferably with the old members because they were hilarious), You Me and Everyone We Know (maybe the best EP of all time), and either Jimmy Eat World, Panic!, or FOB, just ’cause. I can’t imagine any of them opening for us. They are such good role models.

Have you had any interest from record labels? What would be your dream label to sign to?

Joel: Well, we’re working on some new stuff for several labels. We’d love to be a part of Fueled By Ramen, Doghouse, Epitaph, and Fearless.  We don’t have an interest in the majors. We aren’t in this for the money. We love music and the people who love ours. Indie labels are where it’s at.

Have you had any crazy ideas to help market yourselves? (Such as secret shows, an impromptu show in a mall, or dropping your cds in stores on your own.)

Alex: One day, after Different & We Know It had just been released, we went to the mall to try and sell some CDs but ended up handing them out more than selling them. Back in high school I used to walk around the halls selling them to my friends or whoever I thought would by one.

It seems like you guys go way back as friends and aren’t just band buds–have any crazy stories that happened when you were younger, or while you were in the band?

Jared: Yes we do! Joel, Jordan, and Jared are family, so we have thousands of stories about our ridiculously awesome family times. And we know Jo from playing in a church youth band in middle school. One thing that I think most people will find hilarious – and they may get mad at me for saying – is that Joel and Alex met each other after Alex started dating Joel’s ex, then were on the same rec. basketball team.

Alex: There’s been so many crazy, awesome times. The funniest time was probably after one of our shows us and a bunch of our friends went to Steak & Shake. Joel was dared to drink from his coke using a cigarette as a straw. One of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.

Joel: Well, to set the record straight, Alex and I met before he dated my ex, which is even worse. But I think, like Jared said, we all go so far back that we’re truly all like family.  Sometimes we fuss, complain, and push each other around, but there isn’t really ever any band drama. We all have each others backs.  We’re like the Jersey Shore group in a way. I’m Mike, Jared’s Pauly D, Alex is Vinny, Jordan would be Ronny, and Jo would be Angelina (but mainly ’cause he has been here for the shortest of time).  No, we don’t all live on the beach, we’re not super tan, we don’t wear sleeveless shirts or use hair product, but we do try and make something fun out of every situation that gets thrown our way. One time, when we played with Sparks the Rescue, there was this crazy, rabid dog in someone’s car, and Pat (Sparks), Jared, and I took turns taking people to see the dog. When they got close to the window, the thing went crazy. It’s one of those, you had to be there, kind of things. But you really can’t ever tell what might happen next. We’re a pretty fun group though.    

Newamerica:

• MySpace
• Twitter

We love The Swellers. We think Ups & Downsizing, their 2009 disc for Fueled By Ramen, was one of the best records released last year; we still listen to it every day while we punch each other in the nuts and make poo poo jokes at the office. And lead Swelldog Nick Diener was kind enough to let us interview him earlier this year, in probably the coolest thing that’s happened to us since we got into this blogging game. So we are contractually obligated to share any and all Swellers-related tidbits with you. Here’s a good one: it’s a video of the dudes rocking their massive, butt-bangingly crazy single “Fire Away” live on the recent Motion City Soundtrack Dino Initiative tour. I think you’re gonna like it – and when I say “think, ” I mean “know.” (Also: “like” means “lose your shit and dance around like you just scored tickets to the N*Sync reunion tour.”) Check it:

There’s also a quick interview with the guys about being more like truck drivers than musicians with all the touring they do.

The Swellers:

• MySpace
• Official Site
• Last FM
• iTunes

Story of the Year recently released their fourth album, The Constant, on Epitaph. And now they’ve also released a video for the record’s first single. The song is called “I’m Alive,” and the video features a pretty simple storyline about a guy running through the woods and, I guess, almost dying. I’m not a big fan of music video plots, but this one features a nice little twist at the end and I’m a big fan of the woods in general. Also: the song is pretty cool. Check it out, dudes:

Story Of The Year:

• Official Site
• MySpace
• Last FM
• Epitaph

Hey, did you know that we’re grown-ass men who LOVE Paramore? Well, we are! We received their latest album, Brand New Eyes, quite enthusastically, and we’ve been impatiently waiting for some strong new video sauce from them. Now it’s here! Their new video for “The Only Exception” should be absolute manna to thirteen year-old girls and their pervy uncles alike, plus pop-punk lifers like us. I personally would not have chosen this for the next single (“Looking Up” and “The Only Exception” both shine brighter and bang harder), but I guess they gotta appease the wussies every now and then. Anyways — watch the shit now:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=AI2HjQSCTrc

More steamy pop-punk action:

• Official site

• MySpace

• LastFM

• Fan site

It’s not too often you get a highly recommended band from the great OHIV that can deliver on both the studio and live fronts. So when he told me to check out Welcome To Ashley at the Empty Bottle this past Friday, I tried to keep my expectations realistic. I’m a veteran of the punk rock community – it’s tough to impress a guy who grew up seeing D4, Thrice, The Fux, and plenty of other virtual unknowns for $5 at the grand old Fireside Bowl. Luckily, I was able to check out a venue I’ve never been to before, and I’m fucking pumped that I did. The Empty Bottle, like the headliner that night, is punk rock to the core.

The first few hours at the venue I spent drinking tequila and Old Style while writing ironic messages on the silly photos with talk bubbles that were posted on the wall. After solid sets from The Handcuffs and I Lost Control, Welcome to Ashley took to the stage. With my only previous listening experience being the video posted on Assault, and a few songs on their MySpace page, I really wasn’t sure what to expect from these seemingly mild young men.

It only took a song or two, but I felt like I was seeing a secret showing of what sounded a lot like a really punk version of Interpol. I wouldn’t normally consider myself a fan of the monotonous tones of what Oswald Hobbes tells me is quality Interpol, but I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with happy thoughts–I nearly joined the crazy bum guy who was dancing around with all the young ladies in front of the stage. And I definitely wasn’t the only one enjoying the performance, as the majority of the venue seemed to move and sway along to the intense rock sauce being sploojed all over their ears and faces.

The live performance lived up to the band’s unique music video in every sense of the word–it wasn’t a stiff, hipster-esque indie-rock show so much as it felt like I was back at the Fireside watching some band give it all to a wildly enthusiastic crowd. If you haven’t seen Welcome to Ashley yet, I highly recommend it, especially if it’s at The Empty Bottle.

It was with mild trepidation that I ventured out this past Saturday night to check out Jemina Pearl rocking Beat Kitchen. I knew Ms. Pearl would deliver an amazing show, and I knew that the $2 Blatz beers would flow like wine. But the evening promised to combine my two worst fears: 1) geeking out in front of someone whose music I genuinely adore, and 2) hipsters. So I made sure to arrive at Third World Timmy’s apartment with a few hours to spare, which we spent pounding Coors Light and watching television with official Assault mascot Miz Jodi. By the time nine o’clock rolled around, we were so blitzed that we had only two things in mind: a full-on Chicago-style rock attack, and chicken nachos. Needless to say, shit was about to get real.

After consuming some almost totally chip-less nachos (seriously) and braving the icy stare-downs of about twenty five dudes sporting ironic facial hair and Rivers Cuomo glasses, we piled up in front of the stage and waited to get elevated by the power of indie rock. Swiss Dots, the first band on the bill, did not disappoint. They’re a refreshingly mixed-gender (two dudes, two ladies) Chicago four-piece that play tough-but-sweet rock ‘n’ roll. I wish I could describe their music in a little more detail, but honestly I was already about six Blatzes into it and their MySpace is comically bare-bones. But fear not, rabid music-lovers – I’m gonna find them, ask them questions, and report back to you in 1-2 weeks. And hopefully link to a couple of their songs, because they’re pretty great and you’ll definitely get at least a half-chub if you mix them into your “Get High and Stare At Shit” playlist. (They have both Devo and Gang Of Four in their Top Friends, so that should give you an idea of the general vibe.)

Next up was White Mystery, by far the best opening band I’ve ever seen. It’s a brother/sister duo, their last name is White, and they play stripped-down garage rock. But before you get cynical, take a listen to the tunes on their MySpace (or, preferably, check out their next show – shit sounds incredible live). The sister is Miss Alex White (of Miss Alex White & the Red Orchestra fame); she sings and plays guitar. The brother is Francis White, and he drums. They both have crazy red hair and insane amounts of charisma; the band suffered some technical difficulties midway through their set and Francis entertained the crowd by smoking a forbidden cigarette (given to him by everybody’s favorite Internet Blogging Sensation, Oswald Hobbes).* White Mystery is the first band I’ve ever randomly seen at a show and immediately thought to myself, “That’s the greatest band I’ve ever heard, and I want to bear their children.” So, White Mystery, if you’re reading this – IMPREGNATE ME WITH YOUR DEMON GINGER SEED!!!!

While White Mystery was playing, Third World and myself decided to have a quick cigarette ourselves before the main attraction started. On our way to the door, I noticed Ms. Pearl and her ace sideman John Eatherly hanging out, so I suavely sidled up and gave them one of Third World’s business card. Eatherly looked at me like I was nuts, but that was probably because words wouldn’t seem to exit my mouth correctly and my eyes kept darting from side to side in the most suspicious fashion imaginable. Maybe having a business card handed to you by t-shirt entrepreneurs at a music venue is the real-life equivalent of being offered moneygrams by a Nigerian prince. If so, I’m okay with that; awkward encounters like this are just part of building my brand, which I’m told by my social media guru is very important.

Anyway, when Ms. Pearl and her band (with Eatherly absolutely killing on guitar) finally took the stage, all of my worries and cynicism evaporated and I started rocking the fuck out. In case you’ve been living under Taliban rule or you just don’t care about awesome music, Jemina Pearl was the incredibly awesome frontwoman for Nashville uber-punks Be Your Own Pet. They made two full-lengths and then split, which made me incredibly sad – until I picked up Ms. Pearl’s solo disc, Break It Up, at which point I was too busy dancing and punching walls to feel any emotion besides PURE RAWK FURY. I don’t know if I’m technically the desired audience for this kind of music, being a suburban internet troll with a lousy haircut and an extensive collection of Mastodon t-shirts, but Break It Up was easily my favorite record of ’09.** Plus, any record that actually begins with the line “It’s not all the cocaine” is A-OK in my book.

I expected Ms. Pearl’s set to be a totally transcendent, borderline-orgasmic experience, and I was not disappointed at all. (Well, I was a little disappointed that she didn’t punch anybody.) But she danced a lot, and sang beautifully (she doesn’t get nearly enough credit for her chops – she’s on the same level as Hayley Williams, and Hayley Williams is the greatest singer since Kelly Clarkson, and if you think that any of this is in any way “gay” or “not metal,” I’ll be the first one to agree), and she even told the audience how to properly pronounce her first name. (The “i” sounds like “ee”) That’s helpful advice, but it made all my friends look at me funny because I’ve been saying it wrong for about 3 years now. A little part of me was bummed that they didn’t rip into any Be Your Own Pet material, but it was a very, very litle part,*** as the Break It Up songs get more rotation in my car than anything from the BYOP catalog. Once in a while a CD comes along that sounds exactly the way you think music should sound, and that’s the case here.

After the show, Third World and I got another chance to talk to Ms. Pearl, and it was even more awkward than my first encounter, but that’s a whole other blog and I’ve already exceeded my word count. So, to sum up: Beat Kitchen is an awesome venue, hipsters and weird nachos aside, and the people who work there seem totally cool. Swiss Dots are delightful and mysterious. White Mystery are absolutely BEAST (as my twelve year-old brother would say) and I’m definitely going to start cyber-stalking them as soon as I finish this blog. And Jemina Pearl played an excellent show that made my heart joyful with childish exuberance and whimsical glee. The only bad part of the night, really, was my hangover the next day, but that’s truly a small price for an absolutely legendary show.

–

*The cigarette was extinguished pretty quickly, but it was funny while it lasted. And I got to hear Miz Jodi scold me for “contributing to a felony.” (I’m pretty sure that smoking indoors is not yet a felony in Chicago, although I’m sure they’ll try to swing that by 2020.)

** I know I previously stated that at least three other records were my favorites from last year, but Break It Up is the one that I keep going back to. It literally never gets old.

***Not the part you’re thinking of, so don’t try to burn me in the comments section. I’ll murder your family.

Jemina Pearl Inside Your Computer:

• Puke Til You Punk
• MySpace
• Photo Set of Jemina Pearl on Flickr

It’s not too often I hang on to the flyers that get handed to me when I walk out of a show here in Chicago. I’ve even written about a better way to stand out from the rest of the unsigned bands. (One thing was to not hand out flyers.) It just so happens that in this particular instance, my hands were full, and so I stuffed all the flyers in my pocket before heading down the street to the Black Rock after a solid showing at The Metro by The Fold and Lucky Boys Confusion.

When I got home, I found a flyer in my pocket from The Delivery Boys, and to say they had the odds stacked against them from the get-go was an understatement. Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised at the production quality and overall sound of The Delivery Boys’ EP after my initial listen on their MySpace page. When you’re listening to 20+ albums a week it’s easy to forget the names of all the songs and especially the bands, but every once in awhile you find yourself humming the words, or remembering parts of the hook in your head while you’re in the car, when you first wake up, or maybe even in the shower. (If you’re Oswald Hobbes that’s where you do your best performing too.)

This is exactly what happened to me this past weekend, and after some considerable searching I realized that the song was, “Special Delivery,” by the guys of TDB. I was surprised that I hadn’t heard of any upcoming shows in the Chicago area for the band either. It’s not the only song that’s catchy coming from TDB, they also recorded a holiday song, “You’re All I Want For Christmas,” which is just as delicious. According to their latest MySpace info they’ll have some more music out soon, and I’m personally hoping to get a chance to see the guys live out here in the big city sometime soon. Let that be a notice to you local Chicago rock venues. (I’m looking at you Reggies, Metro, Lincoln Hall, and Shuba’s.)

The Delivery Boys

• Paul Holloway – vocals/guitar
• Eric Olsen – bass/vocals
• Ryan Bennett – guitar/vocals
• Matt Dailly – drums

More from TDB

• The Delivery Boys on PureVolume
• The Delivery Boys on MySpace
• The Delivery Boys on ReverbNation

Sad news for fans of good music: Jay Reatard was apparently found today at his home in Memphis. Reatard (born Jimmy Jay Lindsey, Jr.) was a joyfully obnoxious practictioner of borderline-symphonic pop-punk; his most recent album, Watch Me Fall, was one of 2009′s best, and that was coming after a roll of incendiary singles compilations from Matador that found him becoming an unlikely blogosphere favorite. Aside from being a truly gifted craftsman of lo-fi symphonies to boredom and destruction, Reatard was also an electric stage presence and lightning rod for trouble and controversy. Needless to say we’re gonna miss this dude, and we never even met him. AssaultBLOG’s thoughts and prayers go out to his friends and family. Here’s the man in action:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzfrhJCVy30

Update: According to Pitchfork, Reatard’s death is now being investigated as a homocide and police are looking for a suspect. Not sure what this could mean, or why anyone would want to murder Jay Reatard -- but there you go. This could get weird. Buy yourself a copy of Blood Visions anyway.

Sometimes I think all forms of music are equally valid and beautiful; when I’m in a gentle, contemplative mood, I can appreciate anything. During these sojourns in Sensitive World, I truly believe that music is the best and purest method of emotional expression available to the human race, and that everyone should have a band and create whatever their heart dictates, no matter how lame.

But that’s not true. The best kind of music is punk rock, and most everything else is just hippie bullshit. Direct Hit! is a totally bullshit-free band, and I hope they go out and murder Animal Collective and whoever else the flower children are grooving to now. Go to Direct Hit!’s website, click “play” on their mp3 widget, and the first thing you hear is a raw voice screaming the instructions in this article’s title. That is, as we say, rad. The music that follows does not disappoint – it’s melodic pop-punk that’s about as “hardcore” as pop-punk can really get. These guys are fast, tight, and clearly insane. These are the three qualities most highly treasured around the office here (at least among myself and Mr. 51% – Third World Timmy seems to prefer comically pretentious pomp-rock by failed movie actors), so Direct Hit! instantly went into heavy rotation.

You can download their recently-released EP #3 right now, for the price of your choosing, at the aforementioned website, and I strongly suggest you do so. (I also suggest you donate a few bucks, since these guys deserve some cash for making music so blissfully funny and squirrel-shit nuts). These are songs about guns and zombies and murder, and they are totally awesome. Like it or not, this is your new favorite band.

Fireworks have released a new video for “Detroit,” which appears their 2009 full-length debut, All I Have To Offer Is My Own Confusion. If I were in a punk rock band, and I was going to make a music video. I would want it to be like this. Guerrilla style–except I think I’d break into my old high school and do it on the football field.

Checkout Fireworks on iTunes if you haven’t heard of them. They’re one of my favorite punk bands to rock to right now.

Want to hear more Fireworks?

• Fireworks on iTunes
• Fireworks MySpace
• Fireworks on Wikipedia

The Challenge

Oswald Hobbes has pulled another rabbit out of his hat and come up with a new challenge for me, “Third World” Timmy. Somehow, I’m supposed to listen to all of The Strokes albums, and miraculously start liking them.

Okay… challenge accepted. Even though I remember saying that I’d never like a band that has songs consisting of the same four notes over and over again–and that was when I was a 14 year old.

Opening Statement

I had no idea when I was 14 years old that I’d be rehashing every little thing I criticized Oswald for in high school. At the time I didn’t even know as much about music as Oswald did about Bruce Willis.

With such an inferior intellect, the only defense you have at 14 is to find things that are easy to tease them about–in this particular instance, this was The Strokes. It was a surefire way to make his blood boil, and in all honesty I didn’t care about The Strokes. As far as I was concerned at the time, The Strokes was a bunch of Ashton Kutcher look-a-likes playing the same beats over and over again to  over-produced background vocals that sounded like they were ran over by a car.

The Evidence

That said, even before the Assault Challenge from Oswald The Strokes had actually become more favorable to me musically over the years as I’ve grown up. It all started back when Rock Band came out and I started playing along with the songs that I truly started to become more of a fan of theirs. The Strokes were merely the vehicle to which I could rag on Oswald’s high school musical tastes. At the time in high school, my favorite band was Thrice, followed by Slipknot. So you kinda see why I would choose The Strokes as my imminent punching bag.

Alas, I should not have thrown stones from my heavy metal glass house.

Link opens in iTunes

Is This It (2001)

Is This It introduces us to what I’ll call repetitive rock™–a genre that I believe The Strokes are the key inventors of, or at the very least brought it to the mainstream in this era. It starts off kind of slow, but finishes strong, particularly with, “Take It or Leave It.”

My initial reaction to most of the songs are indifference, but when you actually “open up the ears,” as Oswald likes to say, you can really feel the intensity in Julien Casablanca’s vocals that are somewhat muted by the mundane guitar riffs and drum beats. The mismatch makes for an interesting combo, and I can’t help but tap my toes as I listen.

“Last Nite” is the other song you’ve heard from The Strokes that was commercialized by MTV–thanks for that. Good song though, nonetheless.

Link opens in iTunes

Room on Fire (2003)

Room On Fire is the sophomore release where I finally started to warm up to them as a more feasible band to listen to in my car without feeling like I needed to have long shaggy hair and tight pants to match.

Several of the songs on this album including Reptillia, and Automatic Stop are on the regular rotation to which I rock out to everyday.

First Impressions of Earth (2006)

Unfortunately, First Impressions of Earth took a step in the opposite direction for me. Of the three albums I like this one second to Room on Fire. While the music overall seems to have progressed to be a bit more well rounded, Casablancas’ singing is a bit too intense, and comes off as more of whaling against the music rather than with it, and I found it quite hard to listen to at times–”15 Minutes” beind a prime suspect of this.

Link opens in iTunes

This isn’t to say the entire album is a wash–there are some hidden gems throughout including, “Red Light,”and “Heart In A Cage.”

The Verdict

I’m willing to admit that when I was 14 I was wrong. The Strokes are actually an alright band that I would definitely pay $25 to see in concert, and if someone asked, I’d say I was a fan.

Under no circumstances are you going to find me wearing a Strokes t-shirt anytime soon like my man Shia Lebouef, but I’m more than happy to pop in a Strokes mix tape at my next keg party here at the Assault HQ. It’s a surefire crowd pleaser, and Oswald Hobbes would no doubt sing his ass off on the mic if it were to come up in a Rock Band ensemble set list–to the point of embarrassment.

The initial bands have been revealed for the 2010 edition of the annual “Vans Warped Tour“, with more groups to be added in the coming months.

Bands playing entire tour

Ace Enders
After Midnight Project
AM Taxi
Anarbor
Alesana
Andrew WK
Artist Vs. Poet
Attack Attack!
Breathe Carolina
Breathe Electric
Closure In Moscow
Confide
Emarosa
Emmure
Eyes Set To Kill
Fake Problems
Far From Finished
Fight Fair
Hey Monday
In Fear and Faith
Mayday Parade
NeverShoutNever
Of Mice and Men
Parkway Drive
Pierce The Veil
Rev Peyton’s Big Damn Band
Riverboat Gamblers
Set Your Goals
Suicide Silence
Sum 41
The Cab
The Casualties
The Dillinger Escape Plan
The Rocket Summer
The Summer Set
VersaEmerge
We Are The In Crowd
Whitechapel
You Me at Six

Bands playing segments of tour

Bring Me The Horizon (6/24-7/30, 8/5-8/15)
Call The Cops (6/24 – 7/18)
Chaseband (7/22 – 7/26)
Chase Long Beach (8/7 – 8/15)
Deal’s Gone Bad (7/26 – 8/2)
Disco Curtis (7/20 – 8/15)
Enter Shikari (6/24 – 7/18)
Every Time I Die (7/2 – 8/15)
Flatfoot 56 (7/11 – 8/2)
Haste The Day (7/20 – 8/15)
Initials (7/29 – 8/8)
I See Stars (6/24 – 7/18)
iwrestledabearonce (7/20 – 8/15)
Last Call Chernobyl (6/27 – 7/10)
Middle Finger Salute (7/11 – 7/26)
Motion City Soundtrack (6/24, 6/27- 7/16)
Polar Bear Club (6/24 – 7/18)
Reel Big Fish (7/13 – 8/15)
Sparks The Rescue (6/24 – 7/18)
Speakeasy Tiger (6/27 – 7/6)
The All-American Rejects (6/24 – 7/18)
The Frantic (6/27-7/8, 7/31)
The Flatliners (7/9 – 7/18)
The Snips (7/9 – 7/10)
The Swellers (6/24 – 7/17)
The Word Alive (7/20 – 8/15)
Tip The Van (7/20 – 7/31)
We The Kings (6/26 – 8/2)

Tour Dates

June 24th San Diego, CA -Cricket Amphitheatre
June 25th Pomona, CA – Pomona Fairplex
June 26th Mountain View, CA – Shoreline Amphitheatre
June 27th Ventura, CA – Seaside Park
June 29th Phoenix, AZ – Cricket Pavilion
June 30th Las Cruces, NM – N.M.S.U. Practice Field
July 01st San Antonio, TX – AT&T Center
July 02nd Houston, TX – The Showgrounds At Sam Houston Race Park
July 03rd Dallas, TX – Superpages.com Center
July 05th St.Louis, MO – Verizon Wireless Amphitheater
July 06th Indianapolis, IN – Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre
July 07th Burgettstown, PA – Post Gazette Pavilion
July 08th Cleveland, OH – Time Warner Cable Amphitheatre
July 09th Toronto, ON – Arrow Hall
July 10th Montreal, QC – Parc Jean Drapeau
July 11th Hartford, CT – Comcast Theater
July 13th Mansfield, MA – Comcast Center
July 14th Darien Center, NY – Darien Lake P.A.C.
July 15th Scranton, PA – Toyota Pavilion
July 16th Camden, NJ – Susquehanna Bank Center
July 17th Uniondale, NY – Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum
July 18th Oceanport, NJ – Monmouth Park Racetrack
July 20th Columbia, MD – Merriweather Post Pavilion
July 21st Virginia Beach, VA – Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre
July 22nd Charlotte, NC – Verizon Wireless Amphitheater
July 23rd St. Petersburg, FL – Vinoy Park
July 24th West Palm Beach, FL – Cruzan Amphitheater
July 25th Orlando, FL – Central Florida Fairgrounds
July 26th Atlanta, GA – Lakewood Amphitheater
July 28th Cincinnati, OH – Riverbend Music Center
July 29th Milwaukee, WI – Marcus Amphitheater
July 30th Detroit, MI – Comerica Park
July 31st Tinley Park, IL – First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre
August 01st Shakopee, MN – Canterbury Park
August 02nd Bonner Springs, KS – Sandstone Amphitheatre
August 05th Calgary, AB – Race City Speedway
August 07th Salt Lake City, UT – Utah State Fairgrounds
August 08th Denver, CO – Invesco Field
August 11th Los Angeles, CA – Home Depot Center
August 12th Wheatland, CA – Sleep Train Amphitheatre
August 13th Nampa, ID – Idaho Center Amphitheatre
August 14th George, WA – Gorge Amphitheater
August 15th Hillsboro, OR – Washington County Fairgrounds