With the future of Audio Assault hanging in the balance, Oswald and Clymer show some respect for the game.

In this episode of Audio Assault, Joe has soap issues and Oswald finds an old friend in the most unexpected of places. Plus ten minutes of aimless movie talk, complete with extended analysis of Cruising.

In our latest episode, we broadcast live from a mall. Topics include FYE, beds, Slurpees, cocaine, spiders, and grandmothers. The program is brought to you by 31 Nights Of Terror, Joseph Gibson’s horrifying new weblog.

Finally: the gang’s all here, with Jere resuming his rightful place beside Joe Gibson and Oswald Hobbes in this veritable pantheon of funnymen. There’s something in the air today, some tang wafting through Coffin Weed Studios – who can say what it is? It’s magical, is all that matters, and it propels the guys to lofty heights as they discuss new music, old jokes, and the strange things Joe’s mom does with an electric toothbrush.

It’s the penultimate episode of Audio Assault’s groundbreaking, majestic, incomparable third season, and we’ve got a doozy: we watch the throne(s), we discuss the finer points of Robocop, and then we take a trip to the water park. Everybody gets a boner. Also: Joe had a missed connection at the library.

Dr. Joe Gibson is back from “vacay” in the latest episode of Audio Assault. The guys discuss the music they’ve been jamming on lately and then engage in yet another spirited debate about online trolling practices. Then Joe tells a story about sushi. Will you luagh or will you cry? The choice is up to you.

Predictions / Theme / What We Did On Show Vacation / “Shell Games” / The People’s Key / Joe & Phoebe / “Paisley Park”

Featuring: Jeremy Clymer, Joe Gibson, Oswald Hobbes, Jere Pilapil, and Phoebe

Music: Bright Eyes, Prince

Produced at Coffin Weed Studios in Elgin, IL

Have corrupted files corrupted our souls? I started downloading music in earnest two years ago, discarding my strict previous policy about “supporting the artists.” Instead of music arriving to my ears in a slow, methodical dribble, I was suddenly flooded. I could listen to virtually everything Pitchfork reviewed; I could find rarities and b-sides with just a little legwork where once there would’ve been frustrated quests and exorbitant shipping prices. I was finally in the loop.

The sheer joy of endless music to discover mutated into delirious tedium after, oh, a week. Where before I was always on the prowl for the next band that could strike a match and set my perennially gasoline-drenched heart ablaze, I now slogged through hours of shitty-sounding mp3s wondering if the fire had permanently gone out. These days I feel bad if I listen to anything more than three times – something else, something new, is waiting just around the corner. There’s no time to waste.

I’m tired of spinning my wheels. I don’t want to just hear music, I want to actively listen to it. What I do now is more akin to skimming than close reading, and it disgusts me. Beyond that, nothing sounds good; my ears are closed to the warped stream of noise constantly bombarding them, and I’ve reached a new level of cynicism and existential despair that has rendered me unable to write about music for weeks now.

This process of rediscovery started a week before Arcade Fire released their latest album, The Suburbs. I received a download link from an associate and dug in immediately, my whole being set a-tremble with anticipation. Much like everyone else on the planet, few bands mean more to me than Arcade Fire – Funeral, their first full-length, transformed my interest in indie rock into a full-on obsession, and the follow up Neon Bible forever changed the way I appreciated music. I was able to look past the egregiously bad production and burrow into the songs within, and it filled me with hope at a time when it seemed like the lights were going out on the world.

But I didn’t get anything from The Suburbs for the first week I listened to it. And I listened to it a lot. I couldn’t understand the deep meaning that everyone ascribed to it. When I picked up a physical copy at Best Buy on the official release date, however, that changed – I cranked it up on the stereo, relaxed with the lyric sheet, and the experience was fucking magical. By the time “Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)” rolled in on those huge synth lines, I was moved to tears. And the experience lasted all day – I cried and listened to Arcade Fire and wondered what the fuck ever happened to my love for music.

I want that love back, and so this is what I’m doing: no more downloading. I will only listen to music that I’ve purchased or was sent to me by artists/labels – occasionally I might even flip on the radio and try to deduce what’s happening on FM these days. I will resist the urge to even look at other blogs, let alone read their reviews; trolling the internet leads to spending an entire week on bands like Sleigh Bells and then forgetting them a week later when a Best Coast record leaks. (Anybody remember Sleigh Bells and Best Coast? Those were the days!) I purchased a composition notebook and a special pen for the express purpose of taking notes while I listen to music. Instead of straight bullshitting 300 words so I can get to the “smoking weed and playing Guitar Hero” portion of my day, I will attempt to actually think critically.

This column will function as a diary for the experiment and also as a receptacle for general ideas about music and perhaps even reviews of classic stuff that once moved me the same way The Suburbs did. I’m listening to a vinyl copy of Born In The U.S.A. that I picked up for $3 at the local record store, and “I”m On Fire” just flipped my love switch for the millionth time.

I’m not sure how long this will take; instead of imposing an artificial time limit on it, let’s say I’ll never illegally download music again, and I’ll keep hammering away at this until it doesn’t hurt anymore and I’ve learned a few new things about the same old music that I’ve always cherished. My name is Oswald Hobbes, I’m a download addict, and this is my first day of sobriety.

Looks like Vevo is posting mad music videos again and advertising them all over YouTube. This particular advervideo is one that I stumbled across and actually enjoyed. (Who wouldn’t enjoy Charlize Theron killing terrorists with samurai swords and ninja starsin hopes of saving The Killers front man Brandon Flowers!?)

Don’t know where I first saw this at but it looks like Trent Reznor has been up to something. He’s posted a video, and an image on the site HowToDestroyAnAngel.com. Site comes with a full list of sharing links:

More How To Destroy Angels

• How To Destroy Angels Twitter
• How To Destroy Angels Facebook
• How To Destroy Angels MySpace
• How To Destroy Angels YouTube
• How To Destroy Angels Vimeo

01 from How To Destroy Angels on Vimeo.

Link opens in iTunes

We’ve been lucky enough to commandeer a copy of Cypress Hill’s new album Rise Up that we’ve decided to give away to one of our Twitter followers!

When: Starting Tuesday, April 20th until April 27th at Midnight
Where: Twitter!

To enter:

1. Follow us on Twitter @assault
2. Tweet the message “Cypress Rise Up Album Giveaway Just for Retweeting! http://go.assault.it/20 RT and Follow @assault To Enter!“
3. That’s it!

Already a follower?

Get the album now!

Can’t wait for our little contest? Get the album on iTunes now:

The Fine Print

On Tuesday (4/27/10), 1 winner will be chosen at random to receive the Cypress Hill Rise Up album! Winners will be notified via Twitter, so keep checking your accounts to see if you’ve won! In order to be a winner you must be following us, and tweet the above message exactly as is.

This contest is only available to people in the United States who follow us on twitter.

Cypress Hill:

• Official Website
• Amanda Latina Music Video
• Last.fm
• Get Rise Up on iTunes

Cypress Hill Bio

Cypress Hill has long represented the will of the people. The Los Angeles-based trio of rappers B-Real and Sen Dog and producer DJ Muggs provided distinctive insight into the harsh realities of ghetto life, championed marijuana before it became fashionable and made it acceptable for rappers to use Spanish in their rhymes. Given its visionary bent, it makes sense that the group wanted to call its new album — and its first under the Snoop Dogg administration at Priority Records — Rise Up.

“The term itself is pretty strong, like a call to action for people to stand up for what they believe in,” B-Real says. “With this album, we tried to take an aggressive approach on pretty much the whole thing. I wanted to focus on making some raw, aggressive, in your face hip-hop as well as still touch on that alternative base that we have.”

Produced by Tom Morello of Rage Against The Machine fame, the energetic title track stands as a clarion call for people to rise up to meet challenges and fight for what they believe in. The song’s rock feel offers the perfect entree for the rest of Rise Up, which masterfully alternates between hardcore hip-hop and rap tunes with a rock sensibility. It’s an approach Cypress Hill introduced on 2000’s Skull & Bones. That platinum collection spawned the smash hit “Rock Superstar” and provided an outlet for Cypress Hill to flex its creative muscle. “I think that it was one of the big moves in our careers to walk that fine line of what is hip-hop and what is rock and roll and be right down the middle with it,” Sen Dog says. “People respect you for that, when you walk on the edge like that. That’s why, to this day, rock and roll is a vital part of Cypress Hill.”

Another vital part of Cypress Hill’s success has been its impeccable production, which has been primarily handled by DJ Muggs. Given the increased rock elements on Rise Up and the group’s overall evolution, the trio decided to open production opportunities to outside producers. The resulting lineup of Pete Rock, Tom Morello, Daron Malakian, Mike Shinoda, Apathy, B-Real and Muggs, among others, provides Rise Up with a stunningly diverse yet coherent sound that incorporates the traditional Cypress Hill grittiness but puts an updated twist on the group’s sound.

A perfect example of this is “Armada Latina,” which features Pitbull and Marc Anthony and came from a recording session with producer Jim Jonsin (Lil Wayne, Beyonce). “I thought he [Jim Jonsin] was just blabbing, like, ‘Oh man, Pitbull and Marc Anthony would sound great on this,’” Sen Dog reveals. “The next morning, he calls me up and he says, ‘Pitbull’s coming in tonight. Marc Anthony’s coming in the next day,’ so I wanted to make sure I was there for when both of the guys came. We put together this bad-ass song. To me it’s like a Latin anthem. It was a natural fit being that everybody’s Cuban or Puerto Rican. I think it’s one of those songs that’s going to be a groundbreaking song, like Rob Thomas and Santana’s hit that they had years ago. It’s on that level.”

Elsewhere, the up-tempo “Bang Bang,” measures up to Cypress Hill’s most confrontational work, while on the haunting “Carry Me Away,” B-Real imagines his life as a gangbanger from the perspective of his mother. He was looking for trouble at the time and not reflecting upon his actions. Living with that type of recklessness also serves as the theme of “Trouble Seeker.” Years removed from life as a gangbanger, B-Real provides some insight into the mentality.

“When you go do bad things, it feels good to you then because the adrenaline kicks in, but after the deed is done, if you’ve got a conscience of any kind, you feel bad about it and you reflect and you’re like, ‘I shouldn’t have done that,’” he explains. “That’s what all of our lives have been pretty much. We get ourselves into stuff and we regret it after. If I could take back all the stuff that I did to people who didn’t deserve stuff being done to them, of course I would take it back.”

One thing Cypress Hill doesn’t regret is its career-spanning endorsement of marijuana. “K.U.S.H.,” “Pass The Dutch,” “Get Higher” and Light It Up” continue the group’s unabashed affinity for herb, which they helped popularize in both the rap world and society in general. “We’ve been dubbed as the Smokesmen, the Reefer Kings or whatever they want to call us these days and that’s us,” B-Real says. “It’s something that we can’t run away from. I embrace it. It has held us back in certain areas of our career here and there, but I wouldn’t take it back for nothing. We constantly find a way to talk about it that’s interesting or funny or educational.”

Indeed, since the beginning of its illustrious career, Cypress Hill has pushed rap’s boundaries. With their eponymous debut album in 1991, B-Real and Sen Dog established themselves as one of rap’s most potent duos. Their creative phrasing, distinctive voices and graphic subject matter, as well as DJ Muggs’ atmospheric, piercing and dusty beats, propelled the trio to superstar status.

As the years passed, the crew’s dynamic stage show — bolstered in 1994 by the addition of percussionist Eric Bobo (also of Beastie Boys fame) — has evolved into one of rap’s most polished, as such aggressive tunes as “Insane In The Brain,” “Rock Superstar,” “How I Could Just Kill A Man,” “I Ain’t Going Out Like That,” “Lick A Shot” and “Real Estate” translated perfectly to the stage. Given this reality, it’s little surprise that Cypress Hill remains a major concert draw, even when they take time off between albums. During these hiatuses, each member of Cypress Hill goes his separate way only to return to the fold more prepared to help the collective.

“One reason we’re still together as a unit is because we encourage each other to do solo projects,” Sen Dog says. “When we come back together, it seems everybody has a little bit extra knowledge to add to Cypress Hill. I think that if we didn’t do that, we’d all be frustrated musicians because we have a bunch of stuff that doesn’t necessarily go with Cypress, but it goes with B-Real’s stuff, Sen Dog’s stuff. It makes us a stronger unit.”

Now, with nearly 20 years in the game and its eighth studio album about to arrive in stores, Cypress Hill remains razor sharp – and hungry for success. “We’re always competitive,” B-Real says. “We look at this like a professional sport and each year you’re trying to get the crown. You get close or you do alright and that’s cool, but you want to keep going for the crown.”

Time to Rise Up.

Today, we have a special treat for our readers: you can stream the new You Me At Six album, Hold Me Down, for free, right here. Yes, you heard correctly: it’s free. So click the little mp3-player there and start jamming. And then buy Hold Me Down so you can hear it the way it’s supposed to sound.

Do you remember your first record? Of course you do. Music fans remember their first records like a first love, first time on a rollercoaster, or their first time at an R-rated movie. It’s their first real step into the art form. Many have cool first albums -- The Beatles, Nirvana, what have you. I’d bet some are recalled with some embarrassment. If not, there’s probably something that they outgrew eventually. Personally, I think i can get through a rough chronology of my music collection -- rougher in the middle, to be sure, but a traceable timeline. That’s what this new feature is about: those first records that got me into music in the first place.

Now, I’m not trying to encourage wasteful navel-gazing: my goal here is to spill some highlights and low lights from my early collection and re-evaluate the music that’s moved me the most. I assume a chunk of our readership would belong to the same age group, so we can also beat back some of that bullshit baby boomer nostalgia with our own, if you wish. My goal is not to be complete; I’m not John Cusack in High Fidelity. My music is never gonna fully be in chronological order, but I can recollect enough to make something interesting of it.

With that all square, let’s start with my start: seventh grade, when I bought my first portable CD player and two CDs: Americana by The Offspring and Follow the Leader by Korn. Trust me, I’ve got a lot to say about Korn at a later date, so let’s focus now on those SoCal punksters The Offspring. Americana was the first CD I heard in full, at any rate.

Ah, to be young, deeply inexperienced and suburban: probably the only way to appreciate this album. The Offspring’s Americana must be among my first exposure to any concept of punk. My reaction was a “Holy shit, right? Fuck the ‘norm,’ maaaan, whatever that is.” Fuck those poseur white dudes trying to be black. Fuck getting a job! But, man, life is full of bad shit that’ll get ya too. For the uninitiated, I just described the three big singles from Americana: “Pretty Fly (For a White Guy),” “Why Don’t You Get a Job?” and “The Kids are Alright.” These were the songs I heard that convinced me that this album was worth getting, and I’m relieved to say that 2 out of 3 hold up pretty well.

The lone exception is “Pretty Fly (For a White Guy),” which is enough of a novelty song that anyone older than 12 could see its shelf life was only a few days. Its pop culture references are horribly dated; I’m not sure if I would get the Ricki Lake reference if she wasn’t on after my cartoons as a child. The whole idea of a white guy trying to be “gangsta” also instantly got dated once Eminem started hanging out with Dr. Dre and rapping credibly. But that’s a future entry, and I won’t get ahead of myself. The point is: “Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)” was funny enough to convince me to get my mom to spend $15 of her money on it.

The other two songs still retain some spirit, if not their freshness. “Why Don’t You Get a Job?” is a flippant rebuttal to responsibility, built on a jaunty reggae rhythm. It’s impressive that the band was able to go left field like that and make a hit out of it -- diversity is generally not The Offspring’s strong point. While now all of their songs seem a little silly to me, this one at least sounds as silly as its premise. “The Kids Aren’t Alright” is the album’s closest approximation to The Offspring doing the straight-ahead rock they did so well on their breakthrough Smash. It’s little story verses were “truth” to me, as a barely-teenager, a sad eulogy for lives fucked up from hard living. Now, I’m more inclined to feel the riffs and the solo, which manage to be heavy and catchy as hell.

Really, in hindsight, it’s probably best to forget the lyrics to most of the album. Maybe what made it great to me back then was its very directness. I didn’t notice it initially, but now, it’s inescapable how dumb these lyrics are. No subtext: lead singer Dexter Holland’s attempt at a cutting look at the shallowness of American culture? “Americana.”  Not a bad song -- but the lyrics: “Now give me my cable, fast food, four-by’s, tats right away/I want it right now cause my generation don’t like to wait… Everything’s backwards/ In Americana my way/Well! Fuck! you!” for example, attack the ideas directly, for better or worse. It’s the attempt to define “Americana” as something foreign to “America” that bugs me most, I suppose.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzY2Qcu5i2A

The more relationship-heavy songs are the absolute worse, though, and they come one after the other in the middle of the album. “Feelings” is apparently a parody of somesuch whatever, but it still comes off as macho bullshit anyway. Meanwhile, “She’s Got Issues” was funny way back when, but now, having been in a few relationships, comes off as just misogynist and mean. The first verse especially: “I’m seeing this girl and she just might be out of her mind/Well she’s got baggage and it’s all the emotional kind.” The explanation that her “baggage” is “all the emotional kind” is too much for me, and it’s probably the closest thing to a non-literal lyric here.

It’s when they get lighter and frothier that they come off well most consistently, such as “Why Don’t You Get a Job” or the Green Day-ish “Walla Walla.” The darker, more serious moments, “The Kids Aren’t Alright” aside, feel pithy from the perspective of someone not in his teens anymore. The rest passes harmlessly. For a first album to buy, though, this isn’t so bad -- I’m glad that at least some of it holds up.

Final Verdict (would I do it again?): Keep the highlights, ditch the rest. Thank God for MP3s.

Most techies LOVE Google. They’ve taken on Microsoft, flipped the bird to Apple, and given away superior service for F-R-E-E. (With the exception of premium level Google Apps and a few other things.) On the other hand, most hardcore techies who were around to see Microsoft rise to the top, albeit illegally at times, will agree with me and say that Google’s slogan isn’t just a pile of regular shit, but full on bullshit. (I believe I’m paraphrasing Steve Jobs when I say that.)

That’s not to say that Google doesn’t have awesome stuff. I love the search, Gmail, analytics, and many of their other services, but when it comes to cloud computing, and storing ALL of our search data — and I do mean all of i t– Google has an ulterior motive. They leave the public completely in the dark about their snafus. Until just recently, Google had openly censored search because China just didn’t like the truth about their dark history to get out. So much for not being evil.

What does this have to do with Assault.it? You may have heard that as of about 16 hours ago Google decided to shut down several popular music blogs on their blogger and blogspot services. It’s understandable that Google would take down sites violating their terms of service, and they should do so. The only thing that is most surprising about the move is that no notice was given, and there was no opportunity for the site owners to backup their sites and old data. That’s years and years of archived work down the shitter.

Google’s response to the ordeal was basically, “Sowwy! Thanks for your cooperation!”Now it’s easy for everyone to love Google and not ask questions because of the quality of service they offer, but when we start trusting our network infrastructure to them, and trusting them with masses of search data, and with our cellular phones, and with our social networking, and email, and friendships, and ad services, well you can see where this starts to look less like a vague conspiracy theory and more like complete and total control of everything you do online.

One mention that I didn’t see from any of the posts about yesterdays, “musicblogocide 2010″ is that Google has started including Lala playlists directly in search results. I’m not entirely sure, but I have to believe that they are getting some sort of money out of having those songs indexed directly by the search engine.

Did no one make the connection between these sites offering mp3s and Google’s recent decision to include the ability to buy songs through their search? (Most of the mp3s were promotional, aka completely legal mp3s.) One would think that if they’re willing to put their commission on Lala music sales ahead of their hosted blogging platforms then why wouldn’t they remove Assault.it from their search directory because we’ve now posted a negative dissenting opinion about them? If we decided to turn Assault into an online mp3 download service who’s to say they wouldn’t revoke our Ad Sense account because we’ve gone in direct competition with them?

The one quote that makes the most sense to me in the article:

Decouflet sounds weary. “Google is treating bloggers like Big Brother,” he said. “Shoot first, ask questions after.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself, and I’m not the only one saying, “Fuck You” to Google.

My advice: get off of Blogger and Blogspot

That’s right, download and install WordPress on a hosting account that you pay $20 bucks for a month like Media Temple, or Host Gator and import your old Blogger and Blogspot posts–Wordpress does all of the above–it’s free and easy. That’s my advice to sites like Gorilla vs. Bear and anyone else still on hosted Google blogging platforms.

Cypress Hill have jumped on the bandwagon, and started offering up songs for free! Not sure how long this will be up so make sure to get it while you can.

Here is your chance to get a brand new Cypress Hill joint off their upcoming record Rise Up, due out on April 6. The song is called “It Ain’t Nothin’” and you can download it for free for a limited time at cypresshill.com. Click here to enter your information and download now! The album features special guest appearances from Rage Against The Machine/Street Sweeper Social Club’s Tom Morello, who co-wrote and co-produced the title track and lead single “Rise Up.” The famed guitarist also appears on a second track titled “Shut ‘Em Down.”

When it comes to awards shows, I’ll be the first to tell you I don’t mind watching to get inspired, and to watch people be rewarded for all their hard work--but I’ve finally had enough of The Grammys. I tuned in for a portion of this year’s awards and after seeing the selection of nominees for the particular awards that I know most about, (Rock, Heavy Metal, Alternative) I decided I’d never watch The Grammys again.

Nickelback? Really?

That’s the only band I’m going to single out because I’ve singled them out many other times on this site, but I’ve seen the same 8-10 bands on the list of nominees for Grammys year after year and I haven’t seen anything really different out of the majority of those groups for years--not that I’m doubting Linkin Park, or Bon Jovi’s greatness, but there doesn’t seem to be much different coming out of either of those two camps.

The Academy Awards seem to find the best films year after year and 9/10 I agree with every decision they make as to who should win what award--they find independent films, the best documentaries, and performances year after year. The Grammys give you Lady GaGa, Dave Matthews, Bon Jovi, (Who’s basically a country artist now) sub-standard U2, Coldplay, Linkin Park, and Megadeth!

I’ll never give a shit or watch the Grammys again, and I would go on a standard Assault.it 2,000+ word rant, but this time I’ll just pop in a video which basically summarizes my thoughts.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMBVSkZvpbg

Even for some of the artists that I think made great albums this year, I think that on the scale of their previous work you’ll find that their newest albums don’t match up to their older work--that’s something I’ll stand by.

Congrats to Kings of Leon. Couldn’t agree more with that choice band though. If there was one bright spot in the awards that was it--that and Pink’s performance. I thought she was gonna fall on her head.

Album sales are down. Record labels are tanking – the only way they can make money these days is to sue middle-aged women whose kids illegally download a couple Britney Spears songs. More people listen to music than ever, and yet all labels can think about is how to suck  every goddamn penny out of every re-hashed and recycled sound-a-like band that they can until people are just fed up with it. We’ve come to and surpassed the corporate-arrogance tipping point long ago, and yet they keep piling up fresh insults, rubbing more salt into the wounds of the kids who fund their expense accounts.

White hot rage!

Nowadays, there are so many tools out there at your disposal as a musician that you don’t need a label, a marketing company, $20,000 to record an album, or half a million to promote it. You can rely on good old fashioned word of mouth. Except today it isn’t just word of mouth – it’s word of mouth on steroids. So why is it that bands who are still unsigned, have no shows booked, and have no major accomplishments to date are in such a hurry to place a gatekeeper between them and their fans? That’s right – I’m talking about deflecting me to a manager. I’m not trying to book you for a show, or sign you to a label. I just want to tell people that you probably haven’t reached out to before how great you are.

We’re not the oldest music site on the internet, or the most widely read. But in our few short years of existence we’ve amassed a fairly sizable following; we have a couple thousand people that visit our site on a regular basis and trust us to recommend music to them because we’re honest rock ‘n’ roll enthusiasts. So when all I want to do is tell the thousands of visitors we have per day on our website about how much I love a particular bands music, it’s not a bad idea to send a quick email saying “Thanks, here’s a .zip file with our music and a couple pictures to include in a post.” We’re not asking for anything besides what you’d gladly give a major magazine or blog, and the only difference is that we won’t embarrass you with stupid questions or try to psycho-analyze your music. And this isn’t just with unsigned  bands who should be taking every opportunity for free promotion they can get – the problem is even more intense with mainstream bands that I have adored for the last 10 years and given up gas money, food, clothing, and just about everything else I can think of just to buy their album or go to their shows. If you’re a mid-size band with loyal fans, you should either be responding to tweets directed at you, including an email address on your website, or (at the very least) making sure your record company is responding to blogs that request information (that is a separate blog post for a different day – my main man Oswald Hobbes could surely wilt your boner with horror stories about attempting to contact “punk rock” record labels to -*gasp*- promote their bands).

All I want to do is tell the small audience I have amassed in 2 years of blogging that I’ve found a cool band you’ve probably never heard of and that you probably should check out, and here’s why they are awesome. Simple.

So why on earth do you not respond to countless emails, tweets, phone calls? Not even, “Sorry, we’re not touring so we’re not doing interviews,” which I would accept as an answer. Not even “Sorry, but you’re not big enough to cover us.” The best fucking part is that sometimes bands do respond to us and they then tell us to email their manager.

I’m sorry. I told you I was going to do a 300 word write up on you on my blog, not a cover shoot for Rolling Stone followed up with an acoustic set with Hayley Williams and Travis Barker. Answer my 5 questions and take 10 minutes to email me about your upcoming shows and albums, and I will tell my small army of music fans that your show is worth attending.

The thing that pisses me off most is that there are bands that are successful, that have been around for a long time, that have never had legit mainstream success, but have always been SO close to breaking out and taking over the world. The one thing they’re inevitably missing is that final push to get them over the tipping point. The thing they’re missing is those lifelong ambassadors, the superfans who have been with them since the beginning and who are still fighting for them.

Why? Cause you shut down their fan club. You ignored their emails. You didn’t release an album or have any fan interaction for years on end, and you failed to be human.  You gave them press releases.

In “Third World” Timmy’s fantasy universe, the almost-big time bands would still interact with their fans. (Exhibit A: Hayley Williams of Paramore does this right. See also: Ted Leo, definitely among the world’s five greatest Tweeters.) If fucking Paramore has the time to interact with their fans amidst their grueling touring schedule, I’m pretty sure that four guys who just made it out of the basement last month can return an email without too much disruption. I’m not asking you to leave your girlfriend for me or invite me to your family reunion; just a quick response, some token participation to show that you take this shit seriously and that you actually want more people to hear your music.

The unsigned bands would stop fucking worrying about playing big time and answer my two or three emails and not forward me to a manager with a fucking Yahoo! email address because I mentioned the word ‘interview.’

I shit you not, this is an example of the kind of shit I have dealt with in the (recent) past:

Hey you guys are great! Heard your single somehow/someway and saw you live and thought it was even better! I’d love to do a quick write up, or maybe ask you a few questions about the band, and link to anything you’ve got in the works, and possibly put you in a larger round up of up and coming punk rock groups.
-”Third World” Timmy

The band’s response

Hey thanks for the kind words! We’re definitely excited to get something going on your site. Could you possibly contact our manager? He’s a better person to talk to about this stuff.

I’m sorry, a better person than the band themselves? What’s he going to do, exactly? Give me permission to ask you questions after I already asked you? Ask how much traffic our website gets? Find out if we’ll hand out flyers for you? I really just don’t fucking get what else he could answer for me that you can’t answer in a 10 sentence email. The manager’s response, from a Yahoo email address:

Thank you for expressing interest in our band. The reason behind you contacting me is that I handle all media including any kind of interview. The band is excited to be on your website, and feel free to contact them to further your write up of the band. If you have any questions or concerns contact me at your convenience.

Gee, thanks. As soon as you start putting more layers of abstraction between yourselves and your fans, you look stupid. (Hey, guys – Oswald here. Just wanted to point out that not only is the manager’s response superfluous and high-handed ["feel free" to talk to the band? I'm not trying to set up an interview with Fidel Castro over here], it’s also retarded. Since I don’t know what would possess an unknown band to waste money on a manager, I’ll go out on a limb and guess that it’s because you want a veneer of professionalism and class to impress people. This band obviously chose the wrong dude.)

Another question I’ve been asked many times when I’ve expressed interest in sponsoring young bands struggling to make a name for themselves: “So, what does this mean you want to sponsor the band? What do they have to do exactly?” My response: “We want to give them free stuff. That is all. Maybe let us snap some photos of the band while they’re on stage. That’s about it.”

98% of the bands I’ve been in contact with are awesome. This isn’t a perfect world, and not everyone knows what the rules are so, in an attempt to appear as professional as possible, they’ve made themselves look like assholes. Next time you’re trying to negotiate a record deal, or a sticky PR situation, by all means consult your manager, or your PR person. If you need a tour planned, by all means, a Tour Manager is the way to go. But for fucks sake, we’re basically music fans who spend a bit of free time writing about bands we like. (Oswald again: I think what Tim is trying to say here, through his thick red screen of rage, is this: Act like a person. It’s that simple. We are a few guys that work our asses off running a blog that aims to share the gospel of rock with people on the internet; we’re not slimy industry insiders. Before you give us the brush-off, take a look at our site. Spend a few minutes to understand what we do here, and the amount of space we give away – this is called “free promotion” – to up-and-coming bands that we find by going to shows and scouring the internet. If you honestly don’t want to be a part of it, then say that; we won’t get offended. But have the decency to check us out and then respond like normal people instead of turning us away like we’re diseased and it’s catching.)

I’ll close this out with a quick passage of what I read from Seth Godin’s interview on Derek Sivers’ blog

“Get over the idea that your success is equated with selling the right to listen, or selling control over when people listen. Relinquish the opportunity to make money by controlling who can listen and when. That’s gone. It’s over. It would be like a bakery selling the right to sniff the fresh bread or a wine maker selling the right to look at the cool label. It’s now a public good, something you see as you walk by.What you can sell, what you better be able to sell, is intimacy. It’s interactions in public. Souvenirs. Limited things of value. Experiences. Memories. People will pay for those things, IF: your art is actually great and if you make it possible for them to buy them. If it’s great, let it go. You’ll do fine. If it’s not great, figure out what great is and do that.”

Also: don’t give a middle-finger to people who are trying to help you; don’t be arrogant. You’re not Fall Out Boy yet, and with a shitty attitude, you never will be.

We have a free Cartel CD that we want to give to one of our loyal Twitter friends!

Link opens in iTunes

When: Starting Monday, January 18th until January 22nd at Midnight
Where: Twitter!

To enter:

1. Follow us on Twitter @assault
2. Tweet the message “Cartel CD giveaway! http://assault.it/14 RT and Follow @assault To Enter!“
3. That’s it!

Already a follower? Just click the button below to have the Twitter message posted to your twitter account.

The Fine Print

On Friday (1/22/10), 1 winner will be chosen at random, and will receive the Cartel CD! Winner will be notified via Twitter, so keep checking your accounts to see if you’ve won! In order to be a winner you must be following us, and tweet the above message exactly as is. US residents only!

More Cartel

• Cartel MySpace Blog
• Cartel Official Website
• Cartel iTunes (Link opens in iTunes)

Can’t wait to get the cd? Get it on iTunes:

I know it’s hard to believe, but sometimes even super-talented and well-compensated bloggers like Oswald Hobbes get the blues. I was down in the dumps the other day and Third World Timmy suggested I write up a list of guaranteed mood-boosters. These songs are wiener-tinglers; they are what hipsters actually mean when they use the word “banger” while pretending to discuss old Dr. Dre records. If you have questions about my “scientific” method, punch yourself in the forehead -- I’m a fucking scientist. Who are you?

10. The Flaming Lips -- “Race For The Prize“

Figured I’d start this list with a song that’s actually about scientists. “Race For The Prize” kicks off The Soft Bulletin, the record that found the Lips turning the corner from weirdo, borderline-nihilistic psychedelia to wonderfully earnest optimism bombs. That description makes me sound retarded, which is how you’ll feel when you listen to this song (provided your definition of “retarded” entails unbridled joy and hope).

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qptwJ9wrQnI

9. Pixies -- “Dig For Fire“

This song is ostensibly about two (apparently unrelated) old people; one kneels inside of a hole, the other never sleeps. Black Francis asks each if they are “looking for the mother lode.” But they are both digging for fire. This sounds nonsensical and kind of stupid, but the dulcet melody and typically punchy instrumentation provide all the reason you could possibly require.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2dBsBW9yjY

8. Iron Maiden -- “The Number Of The Beast“

Were you aware that sometimes ridiculously goofy metal songs are inspired by the second installment of the Omen franchise? “The Number Of The Beast” is proof. It boasts the kind of title that makes twelve year-olds think Iron Maiden is a legitimately frightening band and the (ahem) ridiculous goofiness that forever disabuses them of that notion once they get old enough to purchase one of the band’s albums.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSPirTVKm9U

7. Kanye West (feat. Cam’Ron and Consequence) -- “Gone“

A remnant from Mr. West’s glory days. Remember when he specialized in good-time jams with rich and subtle undertones of melancholy instead of just expressing his misery through Auto-Tune and outdated drum machines? You should, because it was only a couple years ago. And it was great. ‘Ye gives himself two (!) excellent verses, the second even better than the first because it name-drops Jennifer Aniston and Anakin Skywalker. Cam’Ron talks his trademark surreal shit, the stuff that makes you think maybe his rhyme books got dropped from a passing spaceship, and Consequence almost steals the entire song with a truly astonishing verse that keeps cycling back to the titular word without sounding forced or desperate at any time. And because West-in-his-prime never settled for “merely excellent” when he could easily blow great gobs of mind-mass straight out the back of your skull, the song integrates some lush strings from Jon Brion (!!) when the beat briefly drops out.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=oc65hFCls8E

6. Spoon -- “I Turn My Camera On“

A lot of people want to be Prince; Britt Daniels (a lanky white dude who resides in Oregon and fronts one of the coolest nerd-bands ever) actually succeeds on this funky vamp. He becomes Prince for the song’s duration; the scene in the studio reportedly resembled An American Werewolf In London‘s notorious “transformation” scene. Probably took an entire team of janitors to clean up the mess, but it’ll only take one listen for this righteous jam to transform you into a Spoon fan forever. It also might make you feel like a private eye lurking in shadows, but that’s probably just me.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ro95Ns58qSE

5. The Beach Boys -- “In My Room“

As someone who spends a lot of time staring at the same four walls, this is my favorite type of song: an introvert’s rejection of the outside world. Most normal people will probably find it sad, but normal people shouldn’t be looking at this website. This is the quintessential Beach Boys track, and quite possibly emo’s real starting point.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRrHw5Kn3ZE

4. Metallica -- “Ain’t My Bitch“

Yes, I know -- Load is a lame, sloppy pile of shit. It’s Metallica’s second worst record, and you probably haven’t listened to it on purpose since 1997. Whatever. “Ain’t My Bitch” is one of the rare times when the band’s latter-day Frankensteining of crunchy alt-metal and classic Southern boogie really works, and it’s the perfect “fuck off” to any simpering turd-burglars raining on your hard-charging boner parade. Also, the solo kills -- whatever you think of Metallica’s weird, kinda sad second act, Kirk Hammett remains a god to anybody who ever wanted to absolutely murder six strings.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0p-xZbRfUs

3. The Strokes -- “Last Nite“

Some people will argue that the Strokes ripped this song’s main riff directly from Tom Petty’s “American Girl,” and they are absolutely correct -- it is a blatant theft. But those people are also missing the point of the song, which is this: people don’t understand. This is what we call a “perfect circle” when we are trying to sound smart. (What we really mean is that “Last Nite” curb-stomps “American Girl” because the Strokes are sexy and vicious, and Tom Petty is kind of a douche.)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1vvUec71v8

2. The Roots -- “Don’t Feel Right“

I normally hate the Roots, mostly because I am supposed to like them if I want to seem enlightened. The majority of their discography puts me to sleep with its snoozetastic “organic” approach to hip-hop. But “Don’t Feel Right” is my go-to jam when things just don’t feel right. Black Thought is perturbed by racism, the government, and poverty; my typical downers include going to work, getting bad tomatoes from the grocery store, and lack of quality weed (due to poverty). Nevertheless, I feel we share the same metaphorical boat for the four glorious minutes that “Don’t Feel Right” lasts; the beat, as usual, is all.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0ihRbPtfmA

1. Led Zeppelin -- “D’yer Maker“

Pasty white British guys do reggae. It doesn’t necessarily work, but it still works. And it makes you feel like a million bucks whenever you hear it.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoF4Dsd1uRU