If there’s one thing that never fails to amaze me in my journey through life, it’s the total unwillingness of people to recognize truly “edgy” music that doesn’t conform to their personal “standards” of what constitutes “legitimate art.” To wit: all these Ke$ha H8ers on the internet that refuse to accept the simple fact that this bitch owns their pussies. TO WIT:

Oh snap! Local sleaze-rockers (and Assault favorites!) The Streets On Fire have released a new video for their song “Astronaut Love Triangle”! The video was filmed right here in Chicago, and was directed by Daniel Ryan and Aaron Edwards. This shit is so tight that Kanye West could conceivably wear it as pants while performing at an awards show. If you like it, make sure to pick a copy of their record This Is Fancy; your best opportunity to do so is this Friday (12/3) at Beat Kitchen, where they’re performing with Emcee Phase and Magic Milk.*

*In case you don’t know, Magic Milk is fucking amazing. I watched them decimate a crowd of Wrigleyville Chads at Rockit two weeks ago, and it was phenomenal.

Now that MTV has about as much to do with music as KFC has to do with Kentucky, the Internet has become our primary source for music videos. With the Internet, though, there is no filter. It’s hard to separate the wheat from the chaff. Well here, pledge drive fanatics, is the chaff. It’s your penance for a lifetime of sins: Music Video Hell.

There are things that make me truly embarrassed to be a white male:  NASCAR, mullets, Jimmy Buffet, Republicans, the history of the United States, and now “Good Radiation,” a fan-made rap song about National Public Radio.  As any amount of common sense would tell you, a fan-made rap song about NPR is something that is just not going to turn out as anything other than agonizingly terrible.  In that respect, this video will not surprise you in the least.

When you watch the video for “Good Radiation,” you may think that you are seeing Mark Zuckerberg branch out from his duties as CEO of Facebook into a career of awful rap music.  Not so.  It’s just a dorky white guy who looks a lot like Mark Zuckerberg.  That’s lucky for him, because it’s probably the only reason he is able to get laid.  One can imagine the shock and horror of the poor woman who sleeps with him only to discover afterward that he is not, in fact, a multi-billionaire but just some dork who really likes listening to Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me.

The Mark Zuckerberg clone comments on the video that “It is for hard-core NPR fans who listen to hip-hop.”  You know what, though?  I listen to NPR quite a lot.  I also listen to hip-hop.  I’m just as likely to be listening to The Roots as I am to be listening to This American Life.  And yet I hate this song, and I hate this video, and its mere existence makes me question whether I should ever listen to NPR or hip-hop again.  If this is truly the intersection of those two worlds, then they need to stay far, far away from each other.

Maybe it doesn’t have to be this way, though.  Terri Gross’s interview with Jay-Z on Fresh Air was fantastic.  And… OK, that’s about all I’ve got.  That’s something, though, right?  Terri Gross wasn’t embarrassing.  She asked thoughtful questions and didn’t try to bust any dope rhymes.  Jay-Z, in turn, gave interesting and thoughtful answers and was not a ridiculous asshole like, for instance, Gene Simmons (a white guy) was when he was on the show.

What I’m saying is that I’m not going to let this video deter me.  I can appreciate both good radio and good hip-hop.  I can also appreciate that I am not capable of producing either of those things.  I am, however, capable of finding and ragging on shitty music videos.  You’re welcome.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxRgNnue-zk

Hey! Look at this! On the official Assault.it list of Special Favorites, Chicago’s own Geronimo! rank pretty close to the top. They blend mathy aggression with the hypnotic jangle of post-punk indie rock. And they absolutely decimate their enemies in a live setting. The trio recently released a video for “Design Yourself A Heart,” a definite highlight from their debut full-length Fuzzy Dreams (which you can buy on iTunes or directly from the band [for only $5!!!]). It’s a strange and somewhat disturbing video, and you probably won’t want to drink any water for a couple hours. Good job, Geronimo! – you’ve kicked our asses once again!

Geronimo! – “Design Yourself a Heart” from Northern Outpost on Vimeo.

Straight up – I can’t tell if this song is mediocre or shitty. But the video’s pretty cool; this is like what would happen if the Dishwalla ’90s collided with the modern day. So it’s slightly boring, totally pretentious, and undeniably eye-catching. Speaking of eyes, I feel like Benny Marchant is staring into mine while he sings this mid-tempo love song. I don’t know if I should feel flattered or file a restraining order. You make the call:

What is it that gets our gears of interest cranking? What is that magical quality that attracts us to a new artist, convinces us to stop emailing each other extreme ballsack injury videos and actually pay attention to something foreign and possibly awesome? There’s no simple answer for that; much like mating rituals, it’s different for everyone. For me, it’s often all in the name. I get emails about new bands all the time and I can usually tell, just from the subject line, whether I want to listen or if maybe I’d prefer to open my wrists with a rusty nail dipped in canceraids. But sometimes, and this is rare, I get an email about a band and I just say “Fuck it, I’m posting that, I don’t care.” I haven’t even watched this video. But the band is called Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. Check it out:

How much do we love Avenged Sevenfold? A few weeks ago, Third World Timmy sent me a link to a preview of this video. A preview, of a music video. Oh man – THE ANTICIPATION! Well, the wait is over – hopefully this lives up to Tim’s dreams. Or, should I say. . . NIGHTMARES? Muahahahahahahahahahahahaha! (Avenged Sevenfold’s new album Nightmare is out now.)

Attention, all Four Year Strong fans: the band’s video for “It Must Really Suck To Be Four Year Strong Right Now” is this week’s free video download from iTunes. CLICK RIGHT HERE and you’ll be instantly transported to a magical place where you can download a free Four Year Strong video. There are some fairly hardcore fans of FYS among the Assault.it staff, and even I have to give them their propers for being just about as spastic, crazy, and mind-blowing as a pop-punk could possibly be. These guys are so ferocious that it should be illegal; I wouldn’t go to one of their shows without an entourage the size of MC Hammer’s circa 1992. These guys are so nuts that their last CD came with a jock strap. Four Year Strong play so fast that their first manager, Sonic The Hedgehog, told them to slow down. This band is so good that we published a complimentary review of their latest album, which you can read here.

Now please, go download the video. You’ll like it.

Looks like Vevo is posting mad music videos again and advertising them all over YouTube. This particular advervideo is one that I stumbled across and actually enjoyed. (Who wouldn’t enjoy Charlize Theron killing terrorists with samurai swords and ninja starsin hopes of saving The Killers front man Brandon Flowers!?)

Lately it seems like everybody I know is up my ass about how much the Gaslight Anthem sucks, almost as if I’m the band’s official spokesperson, or secret ghostwriter, or somehow responsible for the success of The 59 Sound. I’m not, I’m not, and I wasn’t, but you can definitely count me among the band’s fans. This here is their new video for the title track from the recently released American Slang, which I don’t think is as good as the record before it but definitely not a total clunker, either. And I think this song is one of the ones that prove they’ve still got it. I’d like for all the haters to now place this video into their mouths and straight-up suck it:

So, this is kind of a strange video. It involves both Tila Tiequila AND a glory hole, but I assure you that it is safe for work. It is also, at the end, somewhat reminiscent of Zoolander. The song is pretty tight – at first I thought it was gonna be weak dad-rock, but there are enough weird flourishes (especially via the keyboards) that it becomes enjoyable and almost Wilco-ish. Also, the lead singer is hilarious looking, and I want him to come to our next party and make weird faces at us. Anyway, here’s the video – “My Own Adventure,” by Chicago’s own Oh My God. (The song is from their latest album, The Night Undoes The Work Of The Day, which is out now on Split Red.)

It has just come to my attention that there is a new Ke$ha video. As you may or may not know, we love Ke$ha here at Assault. I personally love her so much that I bought a poster of her to hang in my office. Third World Timmy likes her so much that he felt compelled to create an entire list of reasons he wants to party with her. Jeremy Clymer likes Ke$ha so much that he got her face tattooed on his lower back (commonly referred to as a “tramp stamp.”) You get the picture. This is probably my 2nd favorite music video of the year (so far), right after the tragicomic nine-minute ginger holocaust that is M.I.A.’s “Born Free.”

Earlier this year, we reviewed Josh Ketchen’s album We Don’t Belong Here quite favorably. We did this because it’s an awesome record, and Ketchen has a distinct, refreshingly unpretentious talent for crafting pleasant folk rock. Now there is an official video for “The Rich Kids,” which is one of the best songs on the disc. We have embedded the video below, because it stars hand-puppets and you will enjoy it. Now enjoy it:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=x2K75ea5v28

Josh Ketchen:

• MySpace
• Facebook
• CD Baby

Now that MTV has about as much to do with music as KFC has to do with Kentucky, the Internet has become our primary source for music videos. With the Internet, though, there is no filter. It’s hard to separate the wheat from the chaff. Well here, dear friends, is the chaff. It’s your penance for a lifetime of sins: Music Video Hell.

Owl City is the worst thing to ever happen to humanity. Famine? Plague? Pestilence? These things pale in comparison to the second-rate Postal Service rip-off created by one Adam Young. Although he has cribbed heavily from The Postal Service, he stripped out everything that made their music good and replaced it with banal instrumentation, insipid lyrics, and a vaguely homoerotic love for Jesus. Naturally, there are plenty of kiddies in the Justin Bieber demographic eating it up. One of those kiddies, apparently, is NBA superstar Shaquille O’Neal.

Let’s get straight to Exhibit A, though. The video for Owl City’s “Vanilla Twilight” perfectly encapsulates everything that is awful about Young’s music. First off, there’s the title of the song. A quick check of Urban Dictionary shows the definition of “vanilla twilight” to be this: “The substance that comes out of a male reproductive organ. Usually shot on and around a girl’s face.” Kudos to WhiskerBiscuit3691 for clarifying that one. The ridiculousness does not end there, though, dear reader. Not by a long shot.

The video itself starts with an establishing shot of a lighthouse. The light from this lighthouse is apparently shining directly on Adam Young, creating the most wicked lens flare you’re likely to see this side of a GeoCities webpage from the mid-‘90s. If you’re not blinded by the lens flare, you’re treated to the sight of Young himself looking like the American Idol idea of emo, with carefully sculpted hair and the slumped-over posture of someone who’s trying really hard to look hip.

You don’t have to gaze upon Young’s visage for long, though, before the video cuts away to other random, assorted people who all just sort of walk about in their winter coats and stare at the sky for reasons unknown. Oh, and one of those people is Shaquille O’Neal. Yes, that Shaquille O’Neal. There’s roughly two minutes of people staring at the sky before the music starts to swell triumphantly and Shaquille O’Neil raises his arms to the sky as if to say, “I have just been directed to raise my arms to the sky!”

Shortly thereafter, Shaquille says something to the magical light in the sky that everyone in the video has been staring at. I’ve been watching these few seconds of the video over and over again to try to decipher what he’s saying, and my best guess is, “I wish I hadn’t left the Lakers.” So do most Lakers fans, I’m sure. They could use some solid defense, am I right?

OK, so what he’s actually saying is “Take me with you.” I just wanted to make a Lakers joke to look like I know something about sports. Who does he want to be taken by, though? Oh yeah: Jesus! He wants to be taken by Jesus. And who wouldn’t, with those rugged good looks? That is ultimately what this video is about: a bunch of people see some pretty lights in the sky and, having no meteorological knowledge whatsoever, confuse them for a sign from their lord and savior. It’s not surprising that Shaquille O’Neal doesn’t know what the northern lights are, but he still looks like a big, goofy dumb-ass asking them to take him with them.

So there you have it: clearly one of the worst music videos ever made by one of the most ridiculously untalented hacks to ever decide that he could become popular by taking a dump all over Ben Gibbard. Avoid this video at all costs. Or, alternately, watch the copy of it embedded below. Just make sure to have a receptacle nearby in which to vomit.

I know that everybody likes Nada Surf now because they’re indie heartthrobs equally at home soundtracking a scene on The O.C. or spinning out lonely, pretty melodies while you drink wine straight from the bottle at 2am. But I originally liked Nada Surf back in the ’90′s, when they released “Popular.” (For those that don’t remember, there is YouTube.) It seemed like these guys were going to be the next Weezer, but instead they ended up being more critically-respected, if not commercially successful, than that band -- although, to my knowledge, they’ve never collaborated with Lil Wayne. So for the moment I’ll continue to call the advantage Weezer’s, but whatever. Nada Surf is rad too, and this video is proof. It’s for the song “Electrocution,”  originally by Bill Fox, and before you ask me “Wait -- who’s Bill Fox? Why is Nada Surf playing his song,” just hold up and let me look at the press release. OK: This is from guys’ new record if i had a hi-fi, which features Nada Surf exclusively playing other people’s songs. And Bill Fox is “a Cleveland musician.” It all makes a little more sense now, eh? if i had a hi-fi drops June 8, and here’s the video:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdzUi4IeMXw

Listen to this: “..more key changes and curveballs than a Rush album.” This is what Alternative Press had to say about the new Helen Earth Band disc Our Own Ghost City. Does that get you excited? (It should get you really, really excited.) I’d like to give you my personal opinion of the disc, but I just got my copy over the weekend and haven’t had time to absorb it yet. But I promise this is a band you will see on Assault.it in the future – definitely a review, maybe a sloppy makeout session behind the local 7-11, who knows where this relationship will go. Anyway, they recently pumped out a new video for their song “(We All) Talk With Knives,” and the direct result of their pumpage is you getting totally pumped up right now. So we’re all pumping, and we’re pumped, so let’s do this! These dudes are from San Diego, which seems an unlikely hotspot for bands that aspire to the virtuosity and grandeur of a Rush or a Mars Volta, but I’m willing to give them a shot. Are you????

Helen Earth Band:

• Official Site
• MySpace

ZOMG! It’s a video from Trent Reznor’s new band! What can I possibly say about this? Just watch it:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoQEd7qzpEc

How To Destroy Angels:

• How To Destroy Angels Twitter
• How To Destroy Angels Facebook
• How To Destroy Angels MySpace
• How To Destroy Angels YouTube
• How To Destroy Angels Vimeo

I was instructed to post this video because, in the wise words of Third World Timmy, “People love these jailbait chicks for some reason.” When I actually watched the video, I was pretty underwhelmed and didn’t understand the urgency behind Tim’s message. Then I read the accompanying press release and discovered the frontwoman for the Pretty Reckless is none other than Taylor Momsen, the 16-year old Gossip Girl heartbreaker who also, once upon a time, played a pretty large part in one of Tim and Mr. 51%’s all-time favorite movies: How The Grinch Stole Christmas (or, as I call it, Jim Carrey’s Vanity Knows No Bounds, and Ron Howard Is A Dumbass.) Anyway, this is not the official video for the song (going by the press release again here), but one is forthcoming and we will undoubtedly post that here too, because (I guess) we heart perverts. So watch this, sickos, and enjoy it if you can. I personally find the juxtaposition of a teenage girl desperately trying to appear sluttish and a gang of burly dudes desperately trying to appear not desperate as they pound out boilerplate grunge riffs (behind a teenage girl desperately trying to appear sluttish) absolutely HILARIOUS. (Pay attention, especially, to the one dude’s comically atrocious soul patch. 1995 called, dude: the alternative coffehouse misses you!) Check it:

AM Taxi have been picking up momentum here in Chicago lately - it seems like they’re always getting interviewed on the radio. I mean, literally every time I turn on the radio. Weird. Anyway, today they debuted their new video for “Fed Up” on MySpace. The song is from their forthcoming album We Don’t Stand A Chance, which is dropping June 8th courtesy of Virgin Records. Watch the video now, and await anxiously Assault.it’s next breathless AM Taxi update as we try to latch on to their out-of-control bandwagon:

AM Taxi:

• Official Site
• MySpace
• Last.fm

Before you watch Juliette Commagere’s video for her new single “Berceuse,” a word of caution: it’s incredibly addictive. This LA woman  is apparently the Joanna Newsome of keytars -- which would make her about five thousand times better than Joanna Newsome.* I hadn’t previously experienced her particular brand of aural magick before watching this, but I’ll definitely track down a copy of her CD (Queens Die Proudly) now, and subsequently listen to it at least five hundred times in a row while playing Scrabble in my opium den. Anyway, this is a great track, and the video is pretty  nifty too -- there’s some hardcore infrared surf-action going on here, and it looks like they’re surfing on the moon. The moon! Check it out:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-6kWTWITpY

*Keytars ftw.

Juliette Commagere:

• Official Site
• MySpace
• Facebook
• Aeronaut Records