What do you get when you have a two-hour long talk show setup without guests? That’s the central question for Conan O’Brien’s touring show, The Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour. He’s doing exactly what he’s been doing for most of his entertainment career, but it’s really unlikely to have a guest-centric show on tour (he manages: New York had Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, Boston had Ed Helms and The Dropkick Murphys). For the first time in his career, O’Brien’s truly the center of attention. Yeah, he hosted shows, but all the late-night network talk shows are billed as as “[Name of Show] with [host].” There is no “The David Letterman Show” or “The Jay Leno Show” (…until there was one), just “Late Night” and “The Tonight Show.” This means that O’Brien’s live tour is an incredibly odd, unique beast: it’s almost literally the first half hour of his Late Night or Tonight Show format, but stretched over two hours with no commercial breaks (except for one that’s a comedy bit, albiet for a real burger joint).

The late night talk show is strange, format-wise. Think about it: it almost entirely exists as a commercial for its guests’ projects. It barely masquerades as entertainment, compared to, say, a sitcom. For the audience, how much value is there, really in the guests?* Every show warms up the audience with a monologue, and only Craig Ferguson currently differentiates from this pattern: [Recent news topic] [Obvious joke about celebrity foible/outrageousness of the topic itself] [Comment on audience reaction to joke] [Start new joke]. As much as “Team Coco” wants to criticize Jay Leno’s show as being stale, obvious and mean-spirited (and they’re right), O’Brien’s talk shows have always been equally confined by the format trappings: 10-15 minute monologue to open and half an hour of guest interviews/performances in the back half. Each show, then, is truly defined in its tone and its host’s entertainment sensibility in the brief comedy bits that fills the time between those two obligations, and that is where O’Brien regularly shined. And that’s really the great realization of The Legally Prohibited… Tour: the opportunity to see Conan O’Brien’s brand of absurdism given more or less free-reign.

“More or less” because some of those talk show habits don’t break. There’s still a monologue, and with a two-hour show, it gets really long. O’Brien didn’t do the standard talk show monologue based on the latest news; instead, he talked at length about how he dealt with losing The Tonight Show gig. In doing so, he strained the limits of his own self-deprecation, but was also funny throughout, whether during the opening skit showing his sad home existence without show business or going through the “8 stages of mourning for talk show hosts” (spoiler: he does not spend a lot of time on the “blaming myself” stage). He’s very funny at it, but for an audience member, the feeling of “gee, you’re still going on about that?” creeps in several minutes into it. The thing is, O’Brien’s never been a stand up comedian; his best moments during monologues through the years have been his reactions to jokes that bomb. Some of the best comedians take their personal lives and transform them into something the audience can relate to, but that’s hard to do with “losing a talk show and getting a multi-million dollar payout” as the subject. Thankfully, the show quickly rights itself into glorious silliness.

Oddly, the most wonderful thing about the show is not necessarily O’Brien himself – hopefully his (arguably justified) victim complex runs its course when he starts up on TBS this fall – but the way the variety show format really gives his weirdness, his writerly tendencies and writers’ skills free reign, full of showbiz bullshit but far from the familiar showbiz bullshit context. Maybe the Walker Texas Ranger Lever “Chuck Norris Rural Policeman Handle” is a retread (down to the clips all being previously used on Late Night years ago), but having Andy there to comment and quip about them showed why he was so missed on Late Night after he left. It’s pretty much a fanboy’s dream come true for this fan to see O’Brien and his staff be given so much time to fill without stopping for lame interviews. It was filled with fan service: a video of Triumph the Insult Comic dog customized to every town, the “Chuck Norris Police Handle.” Regulars Andy Richter and Deion Cole got individual chances to shine. A famous Eddie Murphy outfit and Meat Loaf prop get resurrected to hilarious effect.

As much as the show might be directed for longtime fans, though, parts of the show – not a specific 30-minute block or anything, but strewn about – seems to simply be Conan-pleasing. Specifically, when he’s jamming out with the “Legally Prohibited Band” (basically, the Max Weinberg 7 with a conspicuously absent Max), it seems like he’s having a blast. It’s fun to see, but he’s neither a great comedy song writer nor a great musical performer. There’s some thrill in seeing him cover “On the Road Again” or “The Weight”, but, huh? More or less straight covers** were a strange choice. Most of the value seems to be (a) to keep Conan on stage, (b) segue between comedy bits and (c) to indulge his musical whims a bit. To be fair, his show band has always been a crack group of musicians, so they handle the music very well. The addition of the “Cocettes” on backup vocals add a, weird, near-parodic air to the musical performances (even if they are good in the role). It’s a strange thing to see O’Brien, clearly not completely comfortable playing music in front of an audience (compared to hosting comedy) backed by such a full band. It’s entertaining as a novelty.

The events that caused O’Brien to lose his Tonight Show position were transformative; for the first time in his career, a subsection of the public rallied behind him, almost out of nowhere. It’s unique to him; when Letterman got shafted for the Tonight Show gig, the world was not inter-connected via blogs, Twitter, 24×7 news cycles in such a way that what is a relatively small, devoted fanbase can make a personality a massve success. His personality has become the selling point, like Letterman before him. It explains how he can do a national tour while waiting out the moratorium on his TV presence (hence the tour title, natch). So, the stage show is excessive and more than a little narcissistic, but how could it not be? To not have this show be built from the perspective of “So What Have I Been Up To?” would be strange, and not in the strange-funny way that, say the masturbating bear is always a great fucking joke.

Finally, the show opened with Reggie Watts, who is probably one of the most inventive stand up comedians working today. Watts has a loop machine and improvises his way through his set hilariously. It’s absurd and strange and not at all “standard” to stand up comedy. In other words, Reggie Watts is the perfect opener for the Conan O’Brien tour. It’s kind of painful to have him in this paragraph, so close to the footnotes. C’est la vie.

*Does anyone care about any of the anecdotes actors and actresses have for their latest movie? How do you think filming this most recent work went? (Hint: celebrities split evenly between “So much fun! Everyone was so great to work with!” and “So difficult. Some real hard work went into this thing.” A good predictor on this is genre: comedy or drama. Action movies can go both ways. It can be a game, when you think about it too much).

**More or less: “Polk Salad Annie” becomes a nice joke on his upper-middle class roots; “On The Road Again” gets an extra verse about “My own show again,” as in: “I can’t wait to get.” That one kinda feels tiresome.

First things first: LCD Soundsystem’s latest record, This Is Happening, is my favorite record of the year so far. (I have to include the “so far” so as not to jeopardize my journalistic credibility, but I honestly can’t see anything topping TIH, unless Prince drops Purple Rain 2 or some shit.) It’s ostensibly a dance record, but I hardly ever dance while I listen to it – I get the most mileage out of it late at night, after a few glasses of wine, when everybody’s asleep and I’m feeling blue. It’s a bracing snapshot of interpersonal warfare in the new millennium, with re-purposed ’70s art rock where all the blips and bloops should be. James Murphy, LCD’s mastermind (and only in-studio member), has gotten sharper at breaking down the tortured hipster psyche with each record, and the beats have grown increasingly compelling. This Is Happening is the kind of dense record that you play and play for weeks on end without unlocking all of its mysteries; I haven’t been so obsessed with a shiny plastic disc since Sunset Rubdown dropped Random Spirit Lover in 2007. So, I love it.

And I was psyched to see its best moments taken out for a live spin last night at Metro. Metro’s not my favorite venue, but its generally one of the lesser evils. The place was packed by the time I got there (accompanied by Assault.it’s own inestimable Cory Tendering) and I mean to tell you it was hot. Judging by the number of sweaty bearded dudes crushed up against me, the band could’ve sold the venue out twice over. At times I almost wished they’d picked somewhere bigger and sacrificed a smidge of intimacy – there was very little room to dance, although I did get some furious pogo action in when the band kicked into “Tribulations” and “Movement.” The set overall was heavy on party-starters: “Yeah,” “Losing My Edge,” “Daft Punk Is Playing At My House,” and “Yr City’s A Sucker” all got trotted out, with “Yeah” turning into the night’s most intense jam.

But the night got really interesting when Murphy and co. dug into the more sensitive side of the LCD catalog. “Someone Great” and “All My Friends” received warm, enthusiastic responses from the crowd, and “All I Want” was the evening’s true highlight. Pitchfork already noted the track’s similarity to David Bowie’s “‘Heroes,’” and it is unmistakable, but the song is so achingly sincere (and Murphy loads it with so much rich detail and texture) that it becomes wholly an LCD thing. “Pow Pow” and “Drunk Girls,” also from the new record, got played, but I missed the absence of new power-slams like “Dance Yrself Clean” and “You Wanted A Hit.” I appreciated that the band really drove home the “party” side of their sound, but This Is Happening finds Murphy concentrating so much on internal action that it’s almost disconcerting to hear the material jammed up against relatively shallow statements like “Yeah.” But that’s just my personal thing – I’m not a big dancer, so I’m sure some of the show’s impact was lost on me.

I mean, take it from Cory. His direct quote to me as we parted ways: “That was the best show I’ve seen, ever.”* And then he predictably said something about Radiohead maybe being better. If you know Cory, he’s not the easiest dude to please; he didn’t even like the new Ted Leo record that made everybody else at the office puke with delight. And he loved this. I did, too. It was a consistently fun, rambunctious show that never felt overlong even though it started to get pretty long. The sound was top-notch, which shouldn’t be surprising considering Murphy’s background – but it was pretty surprising anyway to hear such a great live mix. If LCD Soundsystem bring this party to your city, you’d be a sucker not to go. I dropped thirty bucks on my ticket, which is more than I would usually ever pay, but I haven’t had thirty dollars work so damn hard for me since I bought a bottle of Campari in 2008 and drank the entire thing watching the Oscars. Sometimes you just gotta splurge – you’re worth it!

* This is not a direct quote, but my half-assed remembrance of what Cory actually said. I’m sure he’ll correct me angrily on Facebook.

Setlist:
Us v Them
Drunk Girls
Yr City’s A Sucker
Pow Pow
Daft Punk Is Playing At My House
All I Want
All My Friends
I Can Change
Tribulations
Movement
Yeah (Crass Version)
Someone Great
Losing My Edge
New York, I Love You But You’re Bringing Me Down

(Due to exceptionally poor planning, we missed the night’s openers, Holy Ghost!. Actually, we caught the tail end of their performance, and it sounded pretty cool. We regret being late; it’s usually our policy to show up early and support the opening acts.)

“Shame on you!” was what I was told by Anthony Bagnara from Makeshift Prodigy after pronouncing that I had not yet seen a live Makeshift Prodigy show. I had my usual run of excuses as to why, but the truth is I really had wanted to see the guys play since I first saw live footage from their Enclave show last year. After hearing from Rikki and Amy at the merch table that the guys have since improved their lights display I was even more anxious to see if the guys could live up to the hype.

Most unsigned live local acts that I’ve seen just get up on stage, plow through a thirty minute set as quickly as possible and send you off with a request to please visit the merch booth to help them pay for their van repairs so they can get home. Right off the bat I could tell that this band was different, and the pressure was on as they were the only band on the bill.

MP’s new album sounded like a more polished version of their previous album, (Welcome To The World) and I wondered if they’d be able to replicate such a performance in a live setting. Hearing from the guys that they’d like mirror the career of bands such as U2 and 30 Seconds To Mars sets the bar quite high especially for a group that isn’t signed to a major label yet, and I was skeptical as to whether or not I’d be making a fool of myself by recommending seven of my friends to come with me to see them with me since the majority of them not only don’t particular care for the usual local blend of rock and roll that I do, but after two songs they were just as into it as I was.

Between hanging off the ceiling, and switching between singing, and playing the piano, Anthony Bagnara is one of the most energetic live performers I’ve seen since I saw Jeffrey Moreira of Poison the well climbing on the scaffolding at the Metro years ago. Joe Bauer’s programming and drumming coinciding with the light setup and sampling makes for a perfect mesh between a traditional rock show, and explosive trance/DJ dance party.

“We always know we’re going to come through, and that’s the big thing–the bigger the challenge, the harder it is to come through, and we always come through. That’s us in a nutshell.” -Anthony Bagnara

Jake Foy’s lead guitar was just as good as I expected live even after a few drinks of whiskey and shots of Rumplemint’s with friends at the bar just before hopping on stage. Brandon Fox’s rapping on the song Clockwork was at first one aspect of the new album that I felt was a bit out of place, but upon seeing a more hyped-up version of it live from Brandon makes me believe it works a lot better in person–especially when it comes from standing atop the Lasalle Power Company’s bar. Dave Fister the bassist also got in on the fun by running offstage to play parts of the some songs from the crowd.

Thinking I’d finally pull away the title of ultimate street teamer from Amy/Rikki I purchased a handful of CDs to give away to friends, but as it turned out that a good portion of the people in attendance already had one. (Luckily I beat a few people to the punch and was able to give away just enough of the CDs to save one for myself.)

The guys ended the the show with their flag ship song off their new album Mathematica, which had Bagnara hitting a huge drum held up by people in the front row so hard that I thought it was going to break in half. Thankfully the night wasn’t quite over yet, as the guys began to exit the stage as the crowd hadn’t had enough. Two more songs to finish off a night that easily exceeded my expectations had me glowing like I just saw Rise Against for the first time.

If you haven’t seen the guys yet, or at least listened to their new album I promise you won’t be disappointed. If you’re still not convinced, check them out over the next coming weeks at The Rave in Milwaukee, Reggies, The Boiler Room, and Lincoln Hall.

Makeshift Prodigy

• Listen to the new album stream for free!
• MySpace
• Official Website
• Facebook
• Interview with “Third World” Timmy

Makeshift Prodigy’s bands/people to watch

• A Hero Named Hope
• Empires
• Everett Thomas
• Future Nostalgia Photography
• Company of Thieves
• AM Taxi
• Big Science

I once had a friend who got to interview The Hold Steady, and he told Craig Finn that their band and the Drive-By Truckers were the only bands he saw live that year who smiled. That is absolutely still true. Despite how gritty and depressing the Drive-By Truckers’ music can get, Patterson Hood still looks like the happiest person on the planet, smiling ear to ear, seemingly happy to be around and playing music. But Friday night at their show at Boston’s House of Blues, the audience got three bands who smiled.

Each band brought something unique, but could all be described as having a very obvious, joyous connection to sounds of the past. The Truckers, having spent time as a backing band to Bettye Lavette and Booker T, have links more direct than most. Those collaborations highlight the kind of soulfulness that makes them a band worth listening to. They’re not a particularly diverse band, playing in a strain of southern rock that relies on downtrodden stories. Cory, in his review for Ted Leo’s The Brutalist Bricks, asked ““What the fuck: why can’t they just do what I like them for?” Well, the Truckers are the band that has been doing what their fans like them for, nothing more and nothing less. There’s a point where one song intro might sound like another, but their craftsmanship and talent for story songs lends itself to consistent songwriting.

Part of that might be because they have at least two equally strong songwriters. Patterson Hood may be the Trucker most often cited as the band’s leader, but he and guitarist Mike Cooley switched back and forth throughout the night, treating lead singer duties like a baton. Their voices and personalities become clearer on stage: Patterson, an exuberant musician with an ear-to-ear smile; Cooley, a showman more willing to strut to the front of the stage to show the audience exactly how blazing his solos look on the fretboard. Bassist Shonna Tucker got to add two of her own songs to the set: “(It’s Gonna Be) I Told You So” and “Home Field Advantage.” Her songs, heavy in their own right, added a sweetness and further diversified the overall sound. Combined with Patterson’s raspy yelp and Cooley’s craggy voice, the band sometimes felt like a three-headed beast spewing depression and encouragement wherever they looked.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifK_tPlXO_s

They opened with the one-two punch of “Drag the Lake Charlie” and “Two Dimes Down,” and the set smoked without ever looking back. The band seemed to lean heavily on the recent The Big To-Do -- 6 songs out of 22 -- but they reached back throughout their heavily populated discography over the course of the night. Other than promoting their newest album, things seemed to spread out evenly. There’s something to be said about the strength of their craftsmanship, when just about any random combination of songs can be made into a setlist. Such is the nature of the ever-changing setlist that on most nights, not every song is going to be a favorite, but a few gems and surprises will turn up anyway.

That said, things ended as they should with “Let There Be Rock,” the band’s love letter to concerts and rock stars who died too soon, and a cover of “Rocking in the Free World.” The latter is a fitting end; Neil Young and the Drive-By Truckers both have a knack for taking really bitter subject matter and making it into anthems. “Let There Be Rock” dedicates its verses to concerts by dead rock stars. Perhaps it’s fitting that the last original song the Truckers played reaches a denouement at the line, “Bon Scott singing/Let There Be Rock tour,” while the audience sings along, a bitter, anthemic elegy to the fallen frontman.

Langhorne Slim opened the show with a too-brief five-song set of roots rock, a sort of Otis Redding by way of Blonde On Blonde blend that sounded natural and, more importantly, passionate. While gyrating and stomping around the stage, he and his band fired up the crowd by sheer exuberance. A too-loud kick drum marred the set slightly, for those too close at least. There wasn’t much singing along with his “Ooh ooh ohh” choruses and call-and-response portions, but he took it with a smile. He’d won over a lot of the people around me, at least. “Maybe next time,” he joked.

Lucero‘s most recent studio album feels a bit like something Bruce Springsteen might make if he grew up during the punk era. Live, though, they have a more soulful country-tinged sound. They don’t attack things with a punkish speed, but their midtempo stomp has a heaviness to it that recalls the energy and resilience of punk. Friday night, they proved to be a band with more of a light ska feel, an amalgamation of Americana. Really, if the entire night -- all three bands -- could be summed up, it would be in the phrase “an amalgamation of Americana.”

www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIa3QTp34Sw

Drive-By Truckers:

• Official Site
• MySpace
• Last.fm
• JamBase

In honor of everyone’s favorite drinking holiday (and also because we just favorably reviewed their brand new live disc), we thought we’d sure this festive live clip of Dropkick Murphys performing their smash hit “I’m Shipping Up To Boston.” I’m getting thirsty for some green beer just thinking about this video. So raise a Guinness in salute to the patron saint of getting ridiculously shitfaced and enjoy:

We love The Swellers. We think Ups & Downsizing, their 2009 disc for Fueled By Ramen, was one of the best records released last year; we still listen to it every day while we punch each other in the nuts and make poo poo jokes at the office. And lead Swelldog Nick Diener was kind enough to let us interview him earlier this year, in probably the coolest thing that’s happened to us since we got into this blogging game. So we are contractually obligated to share any and all Swellers-related tidbits with you. Here’s a good one: it’s a video of the dudes rocking their massive, butt-bangingly crazy single “Fire Away” live on the recent Motion City Soundtrack Dino Initiative tour. I think you’re gonna like it – and when I say “think, ” I mean “know.” (Also: “like” means “lose your shit and dance around like you just scored tickets to the N*Sync reunion tour.”) Check it:

There’s also a quick interview with the guys about being more like truck drivers than musicians with all the touring they do.

The Swellers:

• MySpace
• Official Site
• Last FM
• iTunes

It’s not too often you get a highly recommended band from the great OHIV that can deliver on both the studio and live fronts. So when he told me to check out Welcome To Ashley at the Empty Bottle this past Friday, I tried to keep my expectations realistic. I’m a veteran of the punk rock community – it’s tough to impress a guy who grew up seeing D4, Thrice, The Fux, and plenty of other virtual unknowns for $5 at the grand old Fireside Bowl. Luckily, I was able to check out a venue I’ve never been to before, and I’m fucking pumped that I did. The Empty Bottle, like the headliner that night, is punk rock to the core.

The first few hours at the venue I spent drinking tequila and Old Style while writing ironic messages on the silly photos with talk bubbles that were posted on the wall. After solid sets from The Handcuffs and I Lost Control, Welcome to Ashley took to the stage. With my only previous listening experience being the video posted on Assault, and a few songs on their MySpace page, I really wasn’t sure what to expect from these seemingly mild young men.

It only took a song or two, but I felt like I was seeing a secret showing of what sounded a lot like a really punk version of Interpol. I wouldn’t normally consider myself a fan of the monotonous tones of what Oswald Hobbes tells me is quality Interpol, but I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with happy thoughts–I nearly joined the crazy bum guy who was dancing around with all the young ladies in front of the stage. And I definitely wasn’t the only one enjoying the performance, as the majority of the venue seemed to move and sway along to the intense rock sauce being sploojed all over their ears and faces.

The live performance lived up to the band’s unique music video in every sense of the word–it wasn’t a stiff, hipster-esque indie-rock show so much as it felt like I was back at the Fireside watching some band give it all to a wildly enthusiastic crowd. If you haven’t seen Welcome to Ashley yet, I highly recommend it, especially if it’s at The Empty Bottle.

Get excited, boner-fans! Assault favorites (and certified badasses) Welcome To Ashley are playing the Empty Bottle this Friday (2/12/10). There are limited number of tickets for $5, and after that it’s gonna be $10, but you wouldn’t go wrong spending a million dollars on this fantastic line-up. And that’s not hyperbole, friends: WTA are being backed up by I Lost Control and The Handcuffs, two rad Chicago bands that are going to put burning holes where your eyes used to be. And also your ears.

Don’t believe me? Here’s the proof:

Welcome To Ashley

www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8yJSjfh42E

I Lost Control

www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFM6qMX7XlQ

The Handcuffs

www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxBayJb25wo

Now do you believe me?!! Great! Come out to the Empty Bottle at 10pm on Friday and see the magic happen live, before your eyes. If you have other plans, cancel them -- this is better. If you’re worried about the weather -- it’s just a little snow, Chicago! Come on! We’ve had snow for literally billions of years! If you come to the show and are disappointed, I will personally refund the purchase price of your ticket, buy you a can of Blatz, and cut your hair.* Just do it.

Welcome To Ashley On The Interweb:

• Reverb Nation
• MySpace
• Facebook

———-

* I will do none of these things. But I wouldn’t have to anyway, because the show is gonna be great. Seriously.

It was with mild trepidation that I ventured out this past Saturday night to check out Jemina Pearl rocking Beat Kitchen. I knew Ms. Pearl would deliver an amazing show, and I knew that the $2 Blatz beers would flow like wine. But the evening promised to combine my two worst fears: 1) geeking out in front of someone whose music I genuinely adore, and 2) hipsters. So I made sure to arrive at Third World Timmy’s apartment with a few hours to spare, which we spent pounding Coors Light and watching television with official Assault mascot Miz Jodi. By the time nine o’clock rolled around, we were so blitzed that we had only two things in mind: a full-on Chicago-style rock attack, and chicken nachos. Needless to say, shit was about to get real.

After consuming some almost totally chip-less nachos (seriously) and braving the icy stare-downs of about twenty five dudes sporting ironic facial hair and Rivers Cuomo glasses, we piled up in front of the stage and waited to get elevated by the power of indie rock. Swiss Dots, the first band on the bill, did not disappoint. They’re a refreshingly mixed-gender (two dudes, two ladies) Chicago four-piece that play tough-but-sweet rock ‘n’ roll. I wish I could describe their music in a little more detail, but honestly I was already about six Blatzes into it and their MySpace is comically bare-bones. But fear not, rabid music-lovers – I’m gonna find them, ask them questions, and report back to you in 1-2 weeks. And hopefully link to a couple of their songs, because they’re pretty great and you’ll definitely get at least a half-chub if you mix them into your “Get High and Stare At Shit” playlist. (They have both Devo and Gang Of Four in their Top Friends, so that should give you an idea of the general vibe.)

Next up was White Mystery, by far the best opening band I’ve ever seen. It’s a brother/sister duo, their last name is White, and they play stripped-down garage rock. But before you get cynical, take a listen to the tunes on their MySpace (or, preferably, check out their next show – shit sounds incredible live). The sister is Miss Alex White (of Miss Alex White & the Red Orchestra fame); she sings and plays guitar. The brother is Francis White, and he drums. They both have crazy red hair and insane amounts of charisma; the band suffered some technical difficulties midway through their set and Francis entertained the crowd by smoking a forbidden cigarette (given to him by everybody’s favorite Internet Blogging Sensation, Oswald Hobbes).* White Mystery is the first band I’ve ever randomly seen at a show and immediately thought to myself, “That’s the greatest band I’ve ever heard, and I want to bear their children.” So, White Mystery, if you’re reading this – IMPREGNATE ME WITH YOUR DEMON GINGER SEED!!!!

While White Mystery was playing, Third World and myself decided to have a quick cigarette ourselves before the main attraction started. On our way to the door, I noticed Ms. Pearl and her ace sideman John Eatherly hanging out, so I suavely sidled up and gave them one of Third World’s business card. Eatherly looked at me like I was nuts, but that was probably because words wouldn’t seem to exit my mouth correctly and my eyes kept darting from side to side in the most suspicious fashion imaginable. Maybe having a business card handed to you by t-shirt entrepreneurs at a music venue is the real-life equivalent of being offered moneygrams by a Nigerian prince. If so, I’m okay with that; awkward encounters like this are just part of building my brand, which I’m told by my social media guru is very important.

Anyway, when Ms. Pearl and her band (with Eatherly absolutely killing on guitar) finally took the stage, all of my worries and cynicism evaporated and I started rocking the fuck out. In case you’ve been living under Taliban rule or you just don’t care about awesome music, Jemina Pearl was the incredibly awesome frontwoman for Nashville uber-punks Be Your Own Pet. They made two full-lengths and then split, which made me incredibly sad – until I picked up Ms. Pearl’s solo disc, Break It Up, at which point I was too busy dancing and punching walls to feel any emotion besides PURE RAWK FURY. I don’t know if I’m technically the desired audience for this kind of music, being a suburban internet troll with a lousy haircut and an extensive collection of Mastodon t-shirts, but Break It Up was easily my favorite record of ’09.** Plus, any record that actually begins with the line “It’s not all the cocaine” is A-OK in my book.

I expected Ms. Pearl’s set to be a totally transcendent, borderline-orgasmic experience, and I was not disappointed at all. (Well, I was a little disappointed that she didn’t punch anybody.) But she danced a lot, and sang beautifully (she doesn’t get nearly enough credit for her chops – she’s on the same level as Hayley Williams, and Hayley Williams is the greatest singer since Kelly Clarkson, and if you think that any of this is in any way “gay” or “not metal,” I’ll be the first one to agree), and she even told the audience how to properly pronounce her first name. (The “i” sounds like “ee”) That’s helpful advice, but it made all my friends look at me funny because I’ve been saying it wrong for about 3 years now. A little part of me was bummed that they didn’t rip into any Be Your Own Pet material, but it was a very, very litle part,*** as the Break It Up songs get more rotation in my car than anything from the BYOP catalog. Once in a while a CD comes along that sounds exactly the way you think music should sound, and that’s the case here.

After the show, Third World and I got another chance to talk to Ms. Pearl, and it was even more awkward than my first encounter, but that’s a whole other blog and I’ve already exceeded my word count. So, to sum up: Beat Kitchen is an awesome venue, hipsters and weird nachos aside, and the people who work there seem totally cool. Swiss Dots are delightful and mysterious. White Mystery are absolutely BEAST (as my twelve year-old brother would say) and I’m definitely going to start cyber-stalking them as soon as I finish this blog. And Jemina Pearl played an excellent show that made my heart joyful with childish exuberance and whimsical glee. The only bad part of the night, really, was my hangover the next day, but that’s truly a small price for an absolutely legendary show.

–

*The cigarette was extinguished pretty quickly, but it was funny while it lasted. And I got to hear Miz Jodi scold me for “contributing to a felony.” (I’m pretty sure that smoking indoors is not yet a felony in Chicago, although I’m sure they’ll try to swing that by 2020.)

** I know I previously stated that at least three other records were my favorites from last year, but Break It Up is the one that I keep going back to. It literally never gets old.

***Not the part you’re thinking of, so don’t try to burn me in the comments section. I’ll murder your family.

Jemina Pearl Inside Your Computer:

• Puke Til You Punk
• MySpace
• Photo Set of Jemina Pearl on Flickr

Our newest friends over at DyingScene have posted about a new video from A Wilhelm Scream for their hit song Australias that was just posted on Hurley.com. According to the band, “There will be more live songs added to the Hurley site thru the weekend, so be sure to keep checking back!”

Australias is the debut track off A Wilhelm Scream’s latest release, a self-titled EP that hit stores late November on Paper + Plastick Records.

More News On A Wilhelm Scream:

• Watch a new music video for “Fun Time” by A Wilhelm Scream
• Stream A Wilhelm Scream’s upcoming EP
• Band Spotlight: A Wilhelm Scream

It’s fairly rare that I make it out to Chicago to mingle with the civilized world, but when Tim told me the Swellers were playing at Metro I knew I had to suck it up and deal. Their recent release Ups & Downsizing has become one of my favorite albums to blast while driving to work – it’s catchy, fast, and loud. Perhaps more importantly, the songs are smart and substantial enough to justify me sitting in traffic for ninety minutes and spending another thirty looking for a decent parking space. I’m happy to report that my journey was not in vain, for the Swellers did verily bring the thunder.

It was a short opening set (Less Than Jake were headlining, and NYC punk lifers the Casualties also played), punchy, tight, and packed with the group’s best songs. Lead Sweller Nick Diener played it loose and gregarious and basically performed all the duties associated with opening – give the crowd a little taste of rock, get them amped up for the main attraction, and say goodnight before your welcome is worn out. For us, though, the Swellers were the main attraction, and obviously we would’ve liked them to play more. But they did squeeze out my three favorite tracks: “Welcome Back Riders,” “2009,” and “Dirt” (which closed the set on an awesomely intense note).

Overall, I consider the night a success. We saw a great band play some great songs, and I also drank a lot of beers supplied by Mr. Timmy. The only sour note of the whole evening was the Warped Tour promotional video played before the bands started – it was about thirty minutes of notable punk superstars like Rise Against, NOFX, and (um) Ice-T performing and being interviewed about the Warped Tour. Other than that, though, the AssaultBLOG team had a great time and really “took” Chicago (similar to the way Jason took Manhattan in the late ’80s).

IATT Live #3 9/3/09 from I Am The Trend on Vimeo with appearances by Craig and myself, Jud from Shirt Fight!, and Nick from Storenvy. We had a blast doing the live show and would LOVE to do another one. Special thanks to Ian from Haha Press for coming out and for Iain from Graphic 22 for answering all the screen printing questions.