I know it’s hard to believe, but sometimes even super-talented and well-compensated bloggers like Oswald Hobbes get the blues. I was down in the dumps the other day and Third World Timmy suggested I write up a list of guaranteed mood-boosters. These songs are wiener-tinglers; they are what hipsters actually mean when they use the word “banger” while pretending to discuss old Dr. Dre records. If you have questions about my “scientific” method, punch yourself in the forehead -- I’m a fucking scientist. Who are you?

10. The Flaming Lips -- “Race For The Prize“

Figured I’d start this list with a song that’s actually about scientists. “Race For The Prize” kicks off The Soft Bulletin, the record that found the Lips turning the corner from weirdo, borderline-nihilistic psychedelia to wonderfully earnest optimism bombs. That description makes me sound retarded, which is how you’ll feel when you listen to this song (provided your definition of “retarded” entails unbridled joy and hope).

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qptwJ9wrQnI

9. Pixies -- “Dig For Fire“

This song is ostensibly about two (apparently unrelated) old people; one kneels inside of a hole, the other never sleeps. Black Francis asks each if they are “looking for the mother lode.” But they are both digging for fire. This sounds nonsensical and kind of stupid, but the dulcet melody and typically punchy instrumentation provide all the reason you could possibly require.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2dBsBW9yjY

8. Iron Maiden -- “The Number Of The Beast“

Were you aware that sometimes ridiculously goofy metal songs are inspired by the second installment of the Omen franchise? “The Number Of The Beast” is proof. It boasts the kind of title that makes twelve year-olds think Iron Maiden is a legitimately frightening band and the (ahem) ridiculous goofiness that forever disabuses them of that notion once they get old enough to purchase one of the band’s albums.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSPirTVKm9U

7. Kanye West (feat. Cam’Ron and Consequence) -- “Gone“

A remnant from Mr. West’s glory days. Remember when he specialized in good-time jams with rich and subtle undertones of melancholy instead of just expressing his misery through Auto-Tune and outdated drum machines? You should, because it was only a couple years ago. And it was great. ‘Ye gives himself two (!) excellent verses, the second even better than the first because it name-drops Jennifer Aniston and Anakin Skywalker. Cam’Ron talks his trademark surreal shit, the stuff that makes you think maybe his rhyme books got dropped from a passing spaceship, and Consequence almost steals the entire song with a truly astonishing verse that keeps cycling back to the titular word without sounding forced or desperate at any time. And because West-in-his-prime never settled for “merely excellent” when he could easily blow great gobs of mind-mass straight out the back of your skull, the song integrates some lush strings from Jon Brion (!!) when the beat briefly drops out.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=oc65hFCls8E

6. Spoon -- “I Turn My Camera On“

A lot of people want to be Prince; Britt Daniels (a lanky white dude who resides in Oregon and fronts one of the coolest nerd-bands ever) actually succeeds on this funky vamp. He becomes Prince for the song’s duration; the scene in the studio reportedly resembled An American Werewolf In London‘s notorious “transformation” scene. Probably took an entire team of janitors to clean up the mess, but it’ll only take one listen for this righteous jam to transform you into a Spoon fan forever. It also might make you feel like a private eye lurking in shadows, but that’s probably just me.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ro95Ns58qSE

5. The Beach Boys -- “In My Room“

As someone who spends a lot of time staring at the same four walls, this is my favorite type of song: an introvert’s rejection of the outside world. Most normal people will probably find it sad, but normal people shouldn’t be looking at this website. This is the quintessential Beach Boys track, and quite possibly emo’s real starting point.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRrHw5Kn3ZE

4. Metallica -- “Ain’t My Bitch“

Yes, I know -- Load is a lame, sloppy pile of shit. It’s Metallica’s second worst record, and you probably haven’t listened to it on purpose since 1997. Whatever. “Ain’t My Bitch” is one of the rare times when the band’s latter-day Frankensteining of crunchy alt-metal and classic Southern boogie really works, and it’s the perfect “fuck off” to any simpering turd-burglars raining on your hard-charging boner parade. Also, the solo kills -- whatever you think of Metallica’s weird, kinda sad second act, Kirk Hammett remains a god to anybody who ever wanted to absolutely murder six strings.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0p-xZbRfUs

3. The Strokes -- “Last Nite“

Some people will argue that the Strokes ripped this song’s main riff directly from Tom Petty’s “American Girl,” and they are absolutely correct -- it is a blatant theft. But those people are also missing the point of the song, which is this: people don’t understand. This is what we call a “perfect circle” when we are trying to sound smart. (What we really mean is that “Last Nite” curb-stomps “American Girl” because the Strokes are sexy and vicious, and Tom Petty is kind of a douche.)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1vvUec71v8

2. The Roots -- “Don’t Feel Right“

I normally hate the Roots, mostly because I am supposed to like them if I want to seem enlightened. The majority of their discography puts me to sleep with its snoozetastic “organic” approach to hip-hop. But “Don’t Feel Right” is my go-to jam when things just don’t feel right. Black Thought is perturbed by racism, the government, and poverty; my typical downers include going to work, getting bad tomatoes from the grocery store, and lack of quality weed (due to poverty). Nevertheless, I feel we share the same metaphorical boat for the four glorious minutes that “Don’t Feel Right” lasts; the beat, as usual, is all.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0ihRbPtfmA

1. Led Zeppelin -- “D’yer Maker“

Pasty white British guys do reggae. It doesn’t necessarily work, but it still works. And it makes you feel like a million bucks whenever you hear it.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoF4Dsd1uRU

Fall Out Boy’s recently released singles collection Believers Never Die is a great example of the greatest hits paradox – by including all of a group’s best known songs, you inevitably leave off deep cuts that better exmplify the given band’s greatness. So, while Believers Never Die includes official singles like “Dance, Dance” and “This Ain’t A Scene (It’s An Arms Race),” it inadvertently supports the notion that FOB is a shallow band for teenagers. As hardcore, unapolegtic Fall Out Boy fans, we at the Assault offices have compiled a list of supplemental tracks to help complete the picture. To wit:

“Chicago Is So Two Years Ago”

“The Patron Saint Of Liars And Fakes”

“7 Minutes In Heaven (Atavan Halen)”

“Our Lawyer Made Us Change the Name of This Song So We Wouldn’t Get Sued”

“The Carpal Tunnel Of Love”

“Hum Hallelujah”

“I’ve Got All This Ringing In My Ears And None On My Fingers”

“Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown On A Bad Bet”

“w.a.m.s.”

“Pavlove”

A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to get to check out the New Music Seminar in Chicago, and a question was posed to the speakers, “What iPhone applications should I have?” There was a bit of confusion, and some suggestions–none of which that I felt were really helpful applications for touring bands. Links open up in iTunes.

I’ve put together a list of the 5 applications that I have used in the past that I feel would be incredibly helpful to any touring musician, without including the obvious like Google Maps, Facebook, or Myspace.

Loopt

Want your fans to see where you are without having to update via Twitter? Loopt lets your fans see where you are in the country at the time, and allows you to update your status with what you’re doing there.

Cost: Free

WordPress

Need to write a message to your blog directly from your phone and include pictures? WordPress is by far the most popular blog platform, and this application integrates seamlessly with it.

Cost: Free

iSwipe

Want to take credit cards at your merch booth? Have a Paypal account? No need for a bulky credit card terminal, iSwipe integrates directly with several popular payment gateways and is great for a band on the go. It’s easy to use and easy to setup. (We used it at all the Assault Shirts live Summer Events.)

Cost: $0.99 (UPDATED!)

Pixelpipe

Taking lots of video and photos with your phone, and need an application that integrates and uploads media to virtually every service on the net? Thought so. Pixelpipe easily integrates with just about every major service out there and is great for publishing on the go.

Cost: Free

Tweetie 2

If you’re in a band, then you better be on Twitter. If you’re on Twitter, you better have Tweetie. It’s the best application out there for interacting with your Twitter followers, and it’s affordable too!

Cost: $2.99

Know of any applications I missed? Post them in the comments. Like lists like these? Follow me on Twitter here. I’m always posting helpful tips and links.

It’s the mysterious second click of the repeat button in iTunes that can at times trigger outrage, but sometimes… we peak around the corner to see if anyone is within an earshot. Why? Because we’re about to put a song on single song repeat, and we’re kinda embarrassed by it.

Most people are embarrassed by it at least, but the AssaultBLOG team has decided to come clean, (really, uncomfortably clean) and spill the beans on songs they’ve put on repeat for hours on end.

Black Eyed Peas – I Gotta Feeling (Third World Timmy)

You know you tell your friends you can’t stand this song, but we alllllll know you listen to it every morning. At least I do. Don’t judge.

Papa Roach – Last Resort (Third World Timmy)

I remember the first time I heard this song and caught a glimpse of the video on MTV. I honestly thought it was Blink182 and sort of dismissed it–but to my own personal dismay I couldn’t get enough of it. I booted up Winamp, dialed up my 56k modem in to what I believe was search.warez.com at the time, and put this song on repeat, for at least 4 hours.

Kelly Clarkson – Since You Been Gone (Mr. 51%)

She’s a good singer, and I especially enjoy A Day To Remember’s heavy metal cover of this song. It almost makes me forget altogether that I like a song by a girl who doesn’t write her own songs and won a reality tv show.

[Any number of Kelly Clarkson songs...I started with 'Since You Been Gone' but once i got the CD I would isolate every single track for weeks at a time until I memorized the lyrics. (Oswald Hobbes IV)]

Wow, that’s embarrassing–but I share the sentiments about Since You Been Gone.

[The above was written by Timmy, so I take no part in it....  Except the part about rockin' my ass off to this song.  Shit's so good.  I even sing it in falsetto for effect. (Mr. 51%)]

Nelly Furtado – I Am Like A Bird (Mr. 51%)

It’s remarkable how blatantly feminine the normally manly Mr. 51%’s musical tastes are–at least when it comes to songs he decides to listen to for hours on end that is.

[Again, Tim putting words in my mouth.  In fact, I recall several a car trips in the 10th grade, when Tim and I would go to Oberweis Dairy rocking out to this FANTASTIC tune.  This chick amazes me...at least on this song.  The others can suck it. (Mr. 51%)]

[I"m going to back Mr. 51% up here. When we were in high school, one of our friends worked at the local Wal-Mart retail center and he would periodically hook us up with schwag. While I always used the opportunity to go home with cool shit (such as a "Bring It On" DVD and the second Soulfly CD), TWTimmy boosted a copy of Nelly Furtado's debut record so he could bang this song while cruising Algonquin and the surrounding townships in his Dodge Intrepid. Consider yourself outed, dog! (OH4)]

Coolio – Gangster’s Paradise (Oswald Hobbes IV)

Definitely. Gangsta.

[I get a lot of shit for this one from my lady friend - I liked to team this up on a playlist with Jay-Z's "99 Problems" and put that playlist on repeat while I got ready in the morning when I lived in North Dakota.  This is how I would get myself psyched up enough to attend Saturday morning staff meetings when it was -40 with the wind chill. That's how pumped up you will get. You will not feel the weather; when Coolio is spitting game this tight directly into your tender earhole, weather does not exist. (OH4)]

Toto – Africa (Oswald Hobbes IV)

Best sung during karaoke, with four drunken fraternity brothers.

[I was never in a fraternity or anything like that, but I did get into this song while four burly drunk dudes were serenading Third World Timmy's Halloween party with it a few years ago. It's such a gentle, sensitive song, but it's got that epic feel to it - you can't help but hole up with a bottle of Black Velvet whiskey and a pack of Kool Milds in your grandfather's study and just let the crystalline melody wash over you for hours on end. (OH4)]

Thin Lizzy – Whiskey in the Jar (Oswald Hobbes IV)

This one’s not really “embarrassing,” per se, but a little weird.

[For the record, I got no use for Metallica's cover of this; the original is way more intense. This was never a track suited for Metallica's ham-fisted approach; listen to the gentle sprays of guitar at the beginning, the liquid central riff, Phil Lynott's cracked and vulnerable singing. This is a masterpiece of precision, both technical and emotional. To this day I have no idea what the fuck it means, but that's okay, because I feel the meaning in my heart-penis. (OH4)]

Everclear – Everything to Everyone (Oswald Hobbes IV)

Also, the entire “Sparkle and Fade” album.

[I used to call Q101 twenty times an hour requesting Everclear songs. I could not get enough. Then I turned twelve. (OH4)]

New Radicals – Get What You Give (Oswald Hobbes IV)

..Or whatever that one song was, it was in the commercial for every movie in 1999.

[This was my jam freshman year of school, and then I got really heavily into gangsta rap and the concept of "emotion" became really passe. I downloaded the entire album a year ago while I was really drunk and, guess what? It's an underrated classic on par with the first Gin Blossoms record. (OH4)]

Fall Out Boy – Carpal Tunnel of Love (Oswald Hobbes IV)

It’s like my favorite song.

The Raveonettes – Love in a Trashcan (Mr. 51%)

[I was working at an O'Reilly's Auto Parts in Texas when I first heard this sweet tune. Mrs. 51% always threatens to withhold boo-tay when I listen to this one on repeat, but I CAN'T HELP THAT IT'S AWESOME!!!! Besides, she can't resist this. Noone can. (Mr. 51%)]

Richard Harris – Macarthur Park (Mr. 51%)

This song is horrible. The lyrics are horrible. But I have over 5 versions on my iTunes and they are all in my “Most Played” list… maybe I should shut up now?

[I prefer the "Weird" Al version, and it's not just because I'm huge, totally unapologetic "Jurassic Park" fan. But can we also get some love for Donna Summer's discofied cover? Because that also rocks. And how are the lyrics horrible? Leaving a cake out in the rain is, I'm sure, a great metaphor for something. (OH4)]

Mr. 51% guilty pleasure honorable mentions are Rick Astley, Weird Al, Tori Amos, Vengaboys, and The Veronica’s.

Have any we missed? Post them anonymously in the comments you anonymous internet cowards.