Greetings. Welcome to In The Virtual Stacks. This new column will allow me to waste the part of my free time that can’t be smoked or masturbated away -- a leisurely cruise into my iTunes library, warts and all. (Probably significantly more warts than you were expecting, given the nature of the project.) So let’s get it right in:

AV Talk -- September Music Wrap Up

Pop-culture Illuminati The AV Club offer a monthly music-focused podcast; this is the most recent episode. I listened to it this morning in the hours between waking and actually rising to make coffee, and, to be honest, I wasn’t really paying attention. It’s generally interesting and sometimes even amusing (the July episode, in which the co-hosts got surprisingly fired up about Arcade Fire maybe not being the best band of all time, is a personal favorite) but they spend too much time talking about boring indie bands like Guided By Voices.

Welcome To Ashley -- Absent Man EP

(We’re going alphabetically by album title.) Welcome To Ashley is my favorite Chicago band. They sound like Old 97s drinking beer while listening to the Smiths. And Coley Kennedy sings better than pretty much anybody else. Absent Man is not my favorite thing by them (that would be their most recent disc, Beyond The Pale) but it contains two of the band’s best songs: “Nothing But Grey Skies Ahead” (the video of which is embedded below) and “Bang, You’re Dead” both showcase the band’s most appealing facets -- the warm guitar, the moody bass, Kennedy’s rich voice. This is like $4 on iTunes so you’d have to basically be retarded not to get it.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8yJSjfh42E

Jenny Lewis -- Acid Tongue

This is not Jenny Lewis’s best solo album; that would be Rabbit Fur Coat, a record that doesn’t get nearly enough credit for how haunting and wonderful it is. But then, people also underrate Rilo Kiley -- a band that easily blow most of their contemporaries away in terms of pure songcraft and musicianship. Acid Tongue is busier and more upbeat than Rabbit Fur Coat, with unnecessary guest appearances from Elvis Costello and Lewis’s boyfriend (among others). It does contain a few of Lewis’s best songs: “Pretty Bird,” “Godspeed,” and “Sing A Song For Them” are all perfect in the grand sweet/sad Lewis tradition, but the more self-consciously “rootsy” stuff comes off forced and inconsequential. Acid Tongue remains likable despite its rough patches, due mostly to Lewis’s natural charms and a delightfully old-fashioned analog feel (which extends even to the album’s graceful packaging). Not a bad record, but there’s too much filler and it’s not depressing enough.

The Smashing Pumpkins -- Adore

This is surprisingly not terrible, despite the absence of Jimmy Chamberlin, but it’s longer than shit! I’m about halfway through it right now and I feel like taking a break to go do something entertaining -- like dusting behind my refrigerator. A little bit of synthy Corgan goodness goes a long way, and Adore sucks whenever it tries to rock. But the Pumpkins were always brilliant in swoon mode, and the record offers a lot of that: “The Tale Of Dusty & Pistol Pete” might be the least-grating song Corgan has ever written. This is a great choice for falling asleep if you’re already tired of that Postal Service record, but I can’t imagine myself sitting with it for long periods and investigating its crevices -- it’s a little too smooth and bland for that. Pumpkins going quiet-electro is essentially the same as the Eagles doing light disco. If the latter scenario is something you might be interested in, Adore is currently slow-rolling right down your alley. (Update: “For Martha” is definitely the band’s best song, eclipsing even “1979″ and “Mayonaise.”)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dwXYAqy-HI

Tune in next week for: Tool, a Smashing Pumpkins box set, Aerosmith, and California Wives.

What would our lives be like without music? This is what I think about. My life, obviously, would be different; I wouldn’t be writing this. I’d probably watch a lot more TV, and that’s what actually set me to thinking about this in the first place. This past Saturday I planted myself in front of the tube for a three hour slop-block consisting of two episodes of Jersey Shore and one episode of Teen Mom; I ate fudge bars while I did this, and I bathed in my own shame afterwards. I should’ve never gotten cable; the amount of time I’ve wasted with the television over the last few weeks would make Matt Roush puke in disgust. (Compelled to mention: I also watch “smart” TV shows like Mad Men but I get mostly the same feeling from them, albeit a bit tempered by protective layers of quality and craftsmanship.)

But I love TV; it’s the easiest, most addictive form of entertainment. There’s no commitment. A record, on the other hand, demands that you sit and stare at the wall for an hour. (This is why music always sounds better when you’re high.) I was a very picky listener until I started jamming through iTunes on my laptop while I surfed the internet; I have a much higher tolerance for unusual-sounding stuff if it’s safely in the background. Listening like this is giving up on getting anything out of the experience before the first note is even played, though. You wouldn’t read a book while having a conversation with your friends on Twitter and adding movies to your Netflix instant queue -- or you might, but you’d be hard-pressed to engage in a discussion about the book’s themes afterward.

A lot of modern music is built for this resigned listening approach -- I present the chill wave genre as proof. When I listen to Neon Indian at work while I’m trying to concentrate, I get a massive fucking headache. Neon Indian songs are meant to be enjoyed in the dark while you smoke a joint and download hip hop mixtapes. It’s glitchy electronic wallpaper that makes your futuristic life seem interesting during the moments when nothing is happening; heard in the analog confines of a real world situation, it’s just irritating. Time passes better with a band like the Hold Steady who caress your pleasure centers with big dumb hooks.

Some smart bands are coming at music from both angles; the new Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. EP Horse Power overcomes the initial distasteful note their name strikes, and they do it by goosing simple pop songs with sound effects. I can’t tell if they’re the new Tapes ‘n Tapes or the new Barenaked Ladies; I’m having a fine time studying the evidence for clues. In a way they’re a refreshing reminder of early-naughts buzz bands like Ambulance LTD -- the guys that made old school soft rock but dressed it up like Elliott Smith on his way to the Oscars. I don’t think a band called Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. could ever write a song that I would call my favorite song, but they’re pretty good at making songs that I can listen to while I drink light beer on my patio and laugh at kids who fall off their skateboards.

The more time I spend away from my computer, the better my life is. The less time I watch TV, the better my life is. These are the conclusions I’ve come to after a weekend of actively avoiding baser forms of entertainment and focusing on the simple joy of sitting in my apartment and listening to records. Time feels a lot kinder, pressures seem a lot gentler, everything is looser and more enjoyable. When people argue about the definition of “art,” I think of a great song and the way it transcends the everydayness of a tedious moment, the slight shimmer of reality colliding with beauty.

Records I enjoyed the “old-fashioned” way:

• Stevie Nicks -- Bella Donna. Fleetwood Mac have always represented the ultimate in California cocaine rock to me, even though they started as a weird British blues band. I think I confused them with Pink Floyd when I was a child, to be honest. But Bella Donna out-L.A.’s even Rumours, in my opinion; maybe because I actually bought it in L.A. while on vacation, or it might be because this is exactly what you’d imagine Nicks herself listening to while Don Henley does lines off her shawl. Nicks’s singing is beyond good, bordering on “life-altering” -- your girlfriend might do your laundry, but she isn’t Stevie Nicks.
• Bob Dylan -- Greatest Hits, Vol. 2. Why does harmonica sound so much better on wax? The DualDisc remastered versions of Dylan’s landmark records that they released a few years ago revealed a lot of vocal nuance, but the harp-work was ear-piercing. The sound is much warmer on this perennial garage sale staple; I think I paid 25 cents for this and I would take it to a desert island with me. Not if I was stranded, per se, but for a vacation, definitely.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OZ9F3NTvzY

Records I wanted to download:

• The Sword -- Warp Riders. I gave these guys a shot because Lars Ulrich said they were heavy; I bought their second album for half price during the great Circuit City meltdown of ’09. The generic repetitiveness of their riffs is a two-sided dagger; they’re reliable but boring. But maybe they’ve taken another step in their evolution -- this could be one I spend ten bucks on at Best Buy.
• Eels -- Tomorrow Morning. I lost interest in these guys the day I bought Beautiful Freak and discovered that the guy called himself “E.” He seems to have transcended his one MTV hit but I’ve never given his work the attention it probably deserves. I’d download this and listen to the first half; can’t see allocating any portion of my paycheck to it.
• !!! -- Strange Weather, Isn’t It? I purchased one of their songs from iTunes three years ago; I really enjoyed it. If I downloaded this, there’s a 50% chance it’d become my favorite thing this year. But the opposite is that I would hate it, so I can’t justify sacrificing any coin. These decisions are relatively easy with the hindsight of two years spent listening to over-hyped crap, but I could be genuinely missing something with this one. My finger itches.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2yy141q8HQ

Attention, all Four Year Strong fans: the band’s video for “It Must Really Suck To Be Four Year Strong Right Now” is this week’s free video download from iTunes. CLICK RIGHT HERE and you’ll be instantly transported to a magical place where you can download a free Four Year Strong video. There are some fairly hardcore fans of FYS among the Assault.it staff, and even I have to give them their propers for being just about as spastic, crazy, and mind-blowing as a pop-punk could possibly be. These guys are so ferocious that it should be illegal; I wouldn’t go to one of their shows without an entourage the size of MC Hammer’s circa 1992. These guys are so nuts that their last CD came with a jock strap. Four Year Strong play so fast that their first manager, Sonic The Hedgehog, told them to slow down. This band is so good that we published a complimentary review of their latest album, which you can read here.

Now please, go download the video. You’ll like it.

Puddle Of Mudd has a a brand new music video, and more importantly a free MP3 for you to download!

The band took the time to film a short update while on set to let fans know that they are working hard and are excited to head out on tour. Puddle Of Mudd kicks off their spring tour April 1st in Anaheim, CA and will make their way across the country with both Burn Halo and The Veer Union.

The Kansas City Rockers are also giving away a free mp3 download for “Blood On The Table” off the band’s latest release Vol: 4 Songs In The Key Of Love & Hate, available now on iTunes. To receive the track for free, simply point your browser to PUDDLEOFMUDD.COM/FREE or text POMFREE to 66937.

More Puddle of Mudd

• Assault’s Interview with Puddle of Mudd
• Official Website

So if you’re anything like me, you get you’re music from any source possible.  More often than not, this source is completely unreliable and does a number to your iTunes library.

I recently had a chance to review TuneUp, a program for your Mac or PC that automatically “cleans up” your iTunes library.  Now, like many, I feel the coolest part of my iPhone is the ability to flip through the album covers when in landscape mode.  Unfortunately, due to the lack of accurate resources (see paragraph 1), I was often searching through a stack of iTunes music notes.

Of course, if you don’t have the cover artwork, you can have iTunes search the store for the artwork, but again, this was often prevented due to incorrect song titles, album titles, or an unnecessary “The” before a bands name.  Who has time to fix that?

I thought I was doomed to forever have an iTunes catalog of unorganized, improperly titled, cover-less songs.  Until today.

TuneUp installation was a breeze.  And as “Third World” Timmy will tell you, I am the LEAST tech savvy person around.  I have trouble logging into this blog.  Anyway, the concept is easy.  Once you install TuneUp, you choose what you are trying to do: Clean Your Mislabeled Music, Find Your Missing Cover Art, Explore Your World of Music, & Never Miss Another Show.  I’ll start backwards and work my way up.

Never Miss Another Show

Based on the music in your library and the location you set, TuneUp notifies you of upcoming concerts in your area that may be of interest to you.  While I currently have the unfortunate luck of residing in Fort Wayne, Indiana, I could definitely see this as being my best friend if I were lucky enough to be back in Dallas or Chicago.

Explore Your World of Music

Based on the current song playing, TuneUp has a little pop-up window which lets you completely delve into the realm of the song/artist.  In my case, The Red Strokes by Garth Brooks was playing (don’t hate).  Within the little pop-up window attached to iTunes, I had full and instant access to Garth Brooks tagged YouTube videos, Artist Biography, Concert Notifications, Album Recommendations, Song Recommendations, Google News, Merch, Ebay, and more.  A pretty cool set of features that will definitely help me waste valuable time while at the office.

Find Your Missing Cover Art

Sounds simple enough, and it is.  TuneUp simply scans your library for missing cover art and then gives you up to 4 options to select the picture art from.  I didn’t play around with this feature too much, as I needed more help than this.

Clean Your Mislabeled Music

Here’s the good stuff.  Simply drag your library to the pop-up box attached to iTunes (says it can do them all, but that it works best when doing only up to 500 at a time, so I abided).  TuneUp then scans your songs and assigns them to 3 categories: Matches, Likely Matches, & Not Found.  Matches are said to be definite finds, Likely are said to be “pretty good results, but you might want to verify” and Not Found, well, yeah.

For this review, I decided to take my entire library and scan it.  I have 900+ songs on my work laptop, and had 16 tracks Not Found.  These tracks were either self-recorded Garage Band tracks, or live concert tracks.  None that I felt should have been “Found”.  I had several return under Matches, but a majority of them came back as Likely.  I, of course, didn’t feel like verifying any of the Likely ones, so I took all suggestions and decided to see how it faired out.

To scan my roughly 900 songs and save/accept changes, it took about 20-25 minutes.  What impressed me the most was that not only did it fix song names, band names and album titles, but it also added album artwork as well as meta information.  It changed my Sugarcult songs from Rock to Punk Pop, my Rick Astley from Other to Adult Contemporary (touché).  This program is awesome.  As of yet, I haven’t found an incorrect switch.  I’m sure it’s out there and I plan to search for one, but as of now, it certainly beats me actually doing any work to fix anything.  And the best part is, all but 16 songs in my library have cover art, so I can flip through those albums to my hearts content.

This program is Flippin’ Sweet.  Pun Intended. You can pickup the yearly license for $19.95 or splurge and get the lifetime license for $29.95 over at the TuneUp website.

Disclosure: We were provided a free review copy of this software, and we do get a small affiliate percentage of every sale we make of this software–but we wouldn’t endorse it if we didn’t like it, and thoroughly test it out.

America loves a comeback story, and Creed‘s is a doozy: after racking up huge sales, conquering the world, and becoming the critical community’s favorite punching bag, the band’s arrogance and stupidity finally caught up with them. Singer Scott Stapp spent two years as a painkiller-addicted tabloid fixture, and his reign at the bottom was replete with on-stage breakdowns and an extremely odd Kid-Rock-assisted sex tape. But now the band is back, and they’re ready to reclaim their place at the top of the charts. Is America really ready for more Creed? Or are the memories of the pain they inflicted with “Higher” still fresh? After listening to their new album Full Circle (opens in iTunes) for six long hours, I have returned with a verdict: Too soon.

I’ve never been a Creed fan, and Scott Stapp is the primary reason. This is true for the majority of people who love to loathe Creed: it’s not that we hate bombastic rock ‘n’ roll, and it’s not that we’re “too cool” to get on Stapp’s wavelength. The critical reaction to Creed functions as a knee-jerk response to lyrics so misguided that even on this, their ostensible apology to the fans, Stapp keeps asking us to align our sympathies with his alleged misfortune. Late in the record he admits he “made this mess [him]self,” but it comes after a solid forty minutes of tortured bloviating about his heart being tattooed on his sleeve. Listening to Creed is like putting a book about why bad things happen to good people on your nightstand.

To the band’s credit, the riffs on half these tracks are absolute face-melters. Having never owned a Creed album or listened to their music beyond the ubiqutious singles, Mark Tremonti’s fretwork comes to me as a delightful surprise. This kind of grungy sludge isn’t necessarily what I require for my own heaviness needs, but I’m also not theoretically opposed to it. When these guys stay away from the ballads, their music is awesomely bottom-heavy and rhythmic; I can totally understand the appeal of watching the band shake stadiums. But, unfortunately, ballads comprise precisely half of the album, and that’s when Creed starts running into trouble. Without the sound and fury of Tremonti’s power chords, Stapp’s woeful, sub-Vedder crooning is fatally exposed.

“Away In Silence” and “Rain” are the most blatant offenders – the playing is competent but unexciting, and the lyrics are downright repulsive. I’m all for Stapp’s comeupance, but I wish he’d saved the self-flagellation for his therapy sessions. Everybody knows exactly what kind of trouble the dude has been mired in for the better part of this decade so I don’t know why we need to rehash the details, in the most banal and clichéd manner possible, for fifty minutes. Furthermore, it’s tough to muster much pity when the guy basically opens the record by bellowing “I’m entitled to overcome!” I’m hard-pressed to figure out why, precisely, this guy feels entitled to anything now: Creed had a good run of hit singles, they sold over thirty million records worldwide, and Stapp’s infamous onstage martyr-pose fueled countless teenage girl masturbation fantasies. It’s not really our fault, as listeners, that Scott Stapp became addicted to various substances, acted like a moron, and lost a lot of money. The guy should take a cue from hip-hop, embrace the inherent drama of his status as a drugged-up diva, and have some fucking fun with it already.

In the end, Full Circle faces the same problem Creed has always faced: the pseudo-Christian sprituality that functions as a lynchpin of their mythology is also their undoing. Rock ‘n’ roll is devil music, and has been since time immemorial (or, at least, the 1950′s.) So until Stapp learns to stop whining and accept his inner Lucifer, a Creed record will never be a good time. Full Circle is a mostly turgid slog that occasionally livens up but ultimately can’t shake free of the two-hundred pound albatross standing front and center. And so, thirteen years after they first tasted mainstream success, Creed remain locked in a prison made of pomposity and frustration; they still can’t shake the shackles of shittiness.

A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to get to check out the New Music Seminar in Chicago, and a question was posed to the speakers, “What iPhone applications should I have?” There was a bit of confusion, and some suggestions–none of which that I felt were really helpful applications for touring bands. Links open up in iTunes.

I’ve put together a list of the 5 applications that I have used in the past that I feel would be incredibly helpful to any touring musician, without including the obvious like Google Maps, Facebook, or Myspace.

Loopt

Want your fans to see where you are without having to update via Twitter? Loopt lets your fans see where you are in the country at the time, and allows you to update your status with what you’re doing there.

Cost: Free

WordPress

Need to write a message to your blog directly from your phone and include pictures? WordPress is by far the most popular blog platform, and this application integrates seamlessly with it.

Cost: Free

iSwipe

Want to take credit cards at your merch booth? Have a Paypal account? No need for a bulky credit card terminal, iSwipe integrates directly with several popular payment gateways and is great for a band on the go. It’s easy to use and easy to setup. (We used it at all the Assault Shirts live Summer Events.)

Cost: $0.99 (UPDATED!)

Pixelpipe

Taking lots of video and photos with your phone, and need an application that integrates and uploads media to virtually every service on the net? Thought so. Pixelpipe easily integrates with just about every major service out there and is great for publishing on the go.

Cost: Free

Tweetie 2

If you’re in a band, then you better be on Twitter. If you’re on Twitter, you better have Tweetie. It’s the best application out there for interacting with your Twitter followers, and it’s affordable too!

Cost: $2.99

Know of any applications I missed? Post them in the comments. Like lists like these? Follow me on Twitter here. I’m always posting helpful tips and links.

One of these Tuesday mornings I’m hoping that when I take a quick peak at the top songs in the “Rock” category on iTunes there will really be something is not only rock, but also good. I’m not one to complain and not do anything about it so I’ve taken it upon myself to hopefully bring you a few new songs that aren’t Daughtry, Creed, or John Mayer-esque in sound.

iTunes Top 10 singles in Rock at the time of this blog post. Meh

The Swellers – Fire Away

The Swellers remind me of a cooler, less emo version of what Saves the Day used to be back when I was in high school. Drawing from their experience touring with Less Than Jake, Set Your Goals, and Four Year Strong, The Swellers finally seemed to have made their break as they’re now opening up for Paramore. They sound kinda like somewhere between punk rock and Lit–if you can imagine what that’s like.

AFI – Medicate

AFI was one of my favorite bands growing up. (All the way back to their All Hallows Eve and hardcore screaming days) They seem to have grown up quite a bit and still manage to turn out solid albums despite being around for over 18 years now.

Thousand Foot Krutch – Fire It Up

I honestly can’t remember how I found these guys, but all I can say is they’re good, and this song is good. If you’re like me and kinda feel like a pussie when you listen to pop punk, this should help.

Brand New – You Stole

My first Brand New show was in the back of a bowling alley at the Fireside Bowl off of Fullerton in Chicago back when they were still having rock and roll shows there. They were OPENING for Thrice, and now they’re filling up the Aragon Ballroom. Our resident music critic, Oswald Hobbes reviewed their new album Daisy just recently. Check that out if you haven’t.

Weezer – (If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To

The first album I ever owned was “The Blue Album” by Weezer cause my mom wouldn’t let me get the Offspring cd cause it had a parental advisory sticker. In retrospect, it wasn’t that bad of a decision. Feel free to disagree, but there’s no way Five for Fighting should be ahead of Weezer… on a rock chart… ever.

Wolfmother – New Moon Rising

Everytime I listen to Wolfmother I feel like I stepped in a time machine. A time machine of awesome. This single off their new album definitely deserves to be in the top ten. Maybe just one spot above Daughtry.

Dagoba – The Things Within

So I just found out about these guys, and posted  their music video. I don’t know how I missed them because this song is over three years old now, but I guess that’s what I get for “going away to art school” as they say.

VersaEmerge – Past Praying For

I’m not doing this because all the bands on this list are fronted by dudes–I swear. VersaEmerge is a relatively new band, and another band on the Fueled by Ramen bill along with The Swellers. If you’re kind of into Evanescence but a bit less dreary, and quite a bit more upbeat–check this song out.

Oh, Sleeper – Son of the Morning

If Dustin Kensrue of Thrice decided to start making serious rock again like he used to, except draw from a bit more heavy bands like Killswitch Engage and Poison The Well, then Oh, Sleeper would be somewhat close to the result. A bit scream-o and a bit Fear Factory, this one will give you a nice kick in the ass in the morning, and it’s been proven to have more caffeine than that powdery instant coffee from Starbucks.

Taking Dawn – Time to Burn

For those of you that remember the band The Union Underground (What happened to them anyways?) you’ll do just fine with Taking Dawn. A little bit Axel Rose, a little bit Atreyu. Definitely worth the one dollar download.

Now I’m no Oswald Hobbes, but I do tend to be somewhat particular about what I think is good rock music, so if you completely disagree and think I don’t know what I’m talking about… that’s fine. Post some rock songs in the comments or send me a tweet and point me in the right direction.

Lead me to the promised land o’ internet trolls.