Before I launch into my whole schpiel here and start foaming at the mouth, let me say one thing: I don’t hate zombies. As a younger man, I hated many things, but now that I’ve grown up and mellowed out, I try to save emotions of that intensity for truly deserving targets (like Sarah Palin). But I do have a zombie problem: I don’t “get” the appeal. Zombies are slow, dim-witted creatures whose only reason for continued existence is their hunger for brains. I decided to address this topic at length here for two reasons: 1) People love zombies; over the past decade, more books, movies, and songs have been devoted to zombies than any other monster. Their popularity has already gone through the proverbial roof, exited the Earth’s stratosphere, and lifted God’s skirt in Heaven. Zombies are huge. 2) I’m a world famous internet blogger, and people want to know what I think about absolutely everything.

Now: in the interest of fairness, I’ve invited our friends at two separate zombie t-shirt companies to represent a pro-zombie stance. I suckered them into doing this by asking if they would answer “a few general questions about zombie culture” and then springing hyper-specific zombie vs. vampire hypotheticals on them. This is called “getting a scoop.” The fine fellows in question are Django from ShopZombie and Jason from Zombie Liquorice, and I strongly urge you to check out their sites and spend some cash – we may not see eye-to-eye about the undead, but they both have some very fine merchandise that will make your wiener tingle in a most pleasant fashion. But before we hear from them, I’mma let myself finish explaining why I don’t like zombies.

First, there’s the “slow and stupid” factor. Zombies are dumb, lumbering beasts; the average zombie moves slower than Jason Vorhees on ‘Ludes. I’ve been a dedicated pack-a-day smoker for just under a decade; when we ran the mile in high school, I never finished in less than fifteen minutes. But even I, Oswald Fucking Hobbes, could out-run a zombie. I could probably also overpower one in a fight, despite whatever enhanced strength he might possess, because I’m a nimble ninja where it counts: in my mind. I would confuse the shit out of a zombie. Also: zombies are undead. That means they’ve already been killed once, most likely by a zombie. So: if you’re dumb enough to be killed by a zombie (which we’ve already established would make you pretty fucking dumb), and you then become a zombie (which kills another couple thousand brain cells), are you really gonna argue that you stand a chance against a super-genius such as myself? I don’t think so, cabron. But my biggest problem with zombies is their utter lack of personality. If I find myself in a fight to the death, I want to face a combatant with some spark, somebody that can trade witty one-liners with me and get personally invested in the outcome of the battle. We’ve already established I can out-run and out-think a zombie; the only thing that might convince me to stay and fight would be a compelling, charismatic persona, which is something that zombies simply cannot offer.

Those are the reasons I don’t fear zombies. Take those reasons and multiply them by a thousand and you’ll understand why I won’t spend two hours watching a movie about zombies. I don’t need entertainment to try and make boring things interesting;  I want entertainment featuring subject matter that’s already entertaining. I’m too busy being world-famous to watch movies about boring crap that wouldn’t scare me in real life. This may seem like a stupid argument to you, but your face seems stupid to me. So let’s call it a draw and hear from some real zombie experts, who will provide us with information that is interesting but, unfortunately, factually incorrect. I’ll point out the inconsistencies in italics when need be.

What is it about zombies that people find so appealing?

"I Love Brains" tee from Shop Zombie

Django: Pirates, zombies, bacon, Pet Rocks… All of these things have tugged the collective coattail of consumers at some point. It’s always a mystery to me how these things rise in popularity. I think that a pile of good, exciting zombie movies (28 Days Later, Dawn of the Dead remake, etc) catapulted zombies into the modern public’s eye.

Jason: I cannot speak for everyone, but what makes zombies so appealing to me is they are very anti-hero.  They will never be featured in a shitty teenage love drama and will never be romanticized.  They are incorruptible and never disappoint.  If you love horror or gore, you must love zombies. (Well, that’s not true, and I can disprove it easily: I love horror AND gore, and zombies do absolutely nothing for me.)

Zombies seem incredibly easy to defeat. Am I wrong about this? If so, why?

Django: Somehow, it seems that only the stupidest people survive the initial zombie attacks. The hardest part about defeating zombies is that they have sheer numbers, and if they can get close to you, you’re suddenly in a VERY dangerous situation. (I believe I already refuted this pretty satisfactorily above. But, in regards to numbers, so what? The zombies aren’t able to organize themselves in any way, so they’d just be stumbling around like a bunch of drunken hobos.)

Jason: Zombies can seem incredibly easy to defeat.  This is their strength.  What they lack in defensive awareness they more than make up for in aggressive numbers.  Not to mention the fact that their numbers keep replenishing after every fresh kill, bite or even scratch. (So you’re telling me that zombies’ obvious stupidity and clumsiness comprise some kind of secret strength? That’s blatant nonsense. See above for my thoughts about zombies’ strength in numbers…or lack thereof.)

Honestly, in a zombie vs. vampire fight (fair), who would win? What if the fight wasn’t governed by traditional codes of honor?

Django: Well, if the vampire was dumb enough to bite the zombie, it would turn INTO a zombie, right? So I dunno. Does that count as a win for the zombie? (No. Vampires aren’t dumb – this isn’t some Team Edward shit, I’m talkin’ Bram Stoker style. Dracula wouldn’t bite a zombie, he’d use his super strength to snap that motherfucker in half.)

"Twilight" by Zombie Liquorice

Jason: We actually did a shirt based on this age-old battle.  The Zombie will always win, mainly because he is not thinking about high school girls or when the sun is about to rise.  More often than not, the zombie is only interested in one thing: brains.  That, coupled with his inability to feel any pain and the fact that he is undead, really ensures victory.  Not to mention that there is probably a horde of zombies just around the corner waiting to mop up whatever is left.  For this very reason there could never be a fair zombie vs. vampire fight – no code of honor could ever be enforced. The ref would promptly be eaten as well unfortunately. (Jason brings up some interesting points, but fails to play by the rules of the hypothetical and thus voids his own answers. One zombie, one vampire. If a zombie needs an entire horde of his undead buddies to come and get his back, he’s not fit to even get in the ring.)

If zombies eat so much brain, why don’t they ever get smarter? Brain seems like the textbook definition of “brain food.”

Django: Same reason that eating carrots doesn’t turn you into a carrot. (That would be a valid point if I had asked why zombies don’t turn into brains. Nice try. I eat carrots because they taste good and they improve my vision. I assume that zombies have a similar reason for feasting exclusively on human brains, and I doubt it’s the taste.)

Jason: Let me explain it this way: “I eat really lean, muscular meat, but I am still fat… What gives?”  You see what I did there – clever, eh? (Yeah, about as clever as a zombie attempting algebra. If you just ate lean, muscular meat – if that was literally the ONLY thing in your diet – you probably wouldn’t be fat. And since zombies eat nothing but brains, they shouldn’t be so stupid. Who’s clever now, Jason?)

Vampires were the ultimate monsters for ages, mostly due to the wealth of artistically legitimate movies and books devoted to them. Is it possible that zombies’ cultural cachet will recede in the future if somebody like Stephanie Meyers writes a teen romance novel featuring a really sensitive zombie who refuses to eat brains, thus sparking a trend of emasculated zombies in popular culture? Would this make you angry?

Django: If someone tried this shit right now, there would be gigantic backlash against them. It would be a massive fail. It would be hard to pull this off. Vampires really have no down side. They can’t go out in the sunlight, sure, but they don’t age, they’re strong, they’re sexy. Zombies are rotting. They eat brains. They are dumb as hell. You’d have to bastardize zombies pretty good before they appealed to young girls. (“Zombies are rotting. They eat brains. They are dumb as hell.” This is the guy DEFENDING zombies, ladies and gentlemen. I must say, though, I agree on all counts. This makes me wonder if I don’t like zombies because I am, in fact, a young girl.)

Official Assault Zombie T-Shirt

Jason: Would this make me angry? Not so much anger, but more white hot loathing.  However, I know this will never happen, as I have already said that what makes zombies so cool is that they must all act a certain way to be classified as zombies.  If someone ever tried to break this mold or screw around with how zombies operate, the amount of book burnings that would take place would put another, bigger hole in the ozone. And no one wants that, right?  Zombies are here to stay; now lets just learn to love it. (I’m sure people felt the same way about vampires before Anne Rice and that crazy Mormon were so successful at making them seem sensitive. Not only do I refuse to love your precious zombies, I’m now actively rooting for someone to ruin their appeal by pussifying every even mildly cool thing about them.)

So, there you have it. This study effectively concludes that zombies are lame, vampires are better, and I am (obviously) best. I’d like to thank Jason and Django again for participating in my little study, and if you don’t go buy some product from them (here and here) you’re gonna have a zombie Oswald Hobbes at your door demanding fresh skullmeat. So get out your credit card, and check out our very own store here at Assault where we feature a pretty rad zombie shirt. And if anybody wants to collaborate on a film script about sensitive zombies, email me at oswald@assaultinc.com. I’ve got a lot of good ideas.