American Apparel is whoring out their product to all you ONS (One Night Stand) kinda people out there, and let me tell yah… seldom will you find a place more open minded to marketing to sluts than Assault!* According to the American Apparel Daily Update for today, American Apparel is proud to have their product emblazened inside a “Ho on the Go” style package with mints, some fragrance, a condom, and many other necessities for a one night stand. (Except for the sneaky getaway!)

The male version of the Ho on the Go kit comes with the American Apparel manties aka tightey whitey undewear. Why is it that every time I mention American Apparel I feel the need to not only link to the Call on Me music video, but I also HAVE to watch it like four times in a row with my speakers on full blast so that everyone in the office can also appreciate the genius of retro clothing and gratuitous female girating to kick ass techno. (Way to Go Eric Prydz) Just thank me for not putting up a screen capture of what American Apparel has in their catalog for the picture of the manties, pure unattractive hipster man-crotch all in yo face.

Personally, not my style but I’m sure you could catch Mr. 51% himself lounging around in some bright Napa blue ones on a weekend reading the Sunday paper. In fact, I think that may make for a great ad campaign in the near future…

* It should be noted that we are not chauvinist/sexist, we’re merely sarcastic and afraid of pretty girls.

Being a frequenter of the American Apparel blog I sometimes get to read some blistering insight into the current immigration issues surrounding our favorite t-shirt supplier AA. Apparently, they either employ masses of illegals, or they just know some legal immigrants who know alot of illegals. It seems that for that very reason they do alot of posting regarding immigration reform.

The basic theme of the story being: nothing ever gets done about immigration except lots of blow-hard politicians talking about immigration. Like many other political issues currently in this nation, there’s nothing anyone can do and nothing really ever gets done… Welcome to the United States!

@American Apparel: (specifically the contributing content writer Danica, who is hopefully hot) How about outsourcing some of the factory work down below the border to boost the economy down there so that you don’t have to have the issues of immigration? Create jobs, boost the economy in Mexico, immigrants stay in Mexico, we get cheaper shirts, it’s a win win for everyone!

Mr. P-rez himself Craig has again turned down American Apparel’s request that he model for them at one of their trade show events in Las Vegas. He simply just does not have the time, and he refuses to wear a silly pink unitard that makes his skin itchy. He’s got allergies dammit, and besides as he was once quoted saying, “modeling is for choads.”

That being said he does appreciate all the feaux pornographic images of the American Apparel models in their silly little retro workout wear in their photo galleries and online collections–more than he likes making blog posts at the very least.

Other than that it has been a relatively slow news day with the exception of us getting one step closer to choosing our final printer. We’ve gone through about 15 different different people now and we finally have a competitive quote from a reliable printer. I personally can’t wait till we can do all of this stuff in house if we ever get to the point. That and getting to wear hoodies with skulls on them.

Want to be a model for American Apparel? Live in Southern California? Want to do it for a freakin 50% off coupon?

Head over to the American Apparel blog and send in your shit to see if their “model scouts” think you have what it takes. Timmy has sent in pictures of Craig with his rock and roll combover to see if Mr. P-rez has what it takes to be professionally good looking.

Three blog posts in one day, this is unprecedented. This post pertains to another article I found regarding the American Apparel Founder, and his apparent engagement in trying on his brand’s underwear on in front of female employees. This potential piece of clothing is commonly known as a cock sock? (article comes from a site called LAist, nothing pisses me off more than people in LA. No offense Will and Jordan. Unless of course they buy my shirts!!)

His apparent excuse for showing off his goods in a cock sock was that he was:

trying to show them new merchandise

He also admits to:

calling women “sluts” and the female genitalia c-word, because, you know, it’s “endearing.” “There is no evidence to say that you can’t walk around in your underwear all day anywhere in the United States of America,” he testified.

Well I can tell you one thing, Craig and I are the only employees of Assault, but if you heard the things we call each other there’s no way you’d think they were endearing, but they totally are, right Craig? You mutant frog spawn, I hope your mom doesn’t read that one!

I stumbled upon a video today of a few ladies trying on some American Apparel clothing. It being that they are our suppliers of our shirts I thought I would post a link back to the video…

Apparently, our shirts will make you look like a fat hooker. Well wait, I take that back. After watching the video again it looks as though they are mostly talking about the dated short shorts, and unflattering 80s workout clothes that I don’t think anyone buys anyways.

Although I would love to see Craig try to squeeze into one of these purple pants + green unitard combinations. In all seriousness though, who actually wears this stuff? Besides those chicks in the Call on Me video of course…

To this day I have yet to find a shirt that fits nicer than the 2001 American Apparel Fine Jersey Tee. (and the Baby Rib for Women) Sure, it probably just fits tighter cause it’s made for skinny people, but it makes Craig’s muscles look big, and that’s saying something. The other thing I’ve noticed about them besides them being highly overpriced and comfortably fitting is that they’re durable. I’ve had gildan shirts, hanes beefy tees, and all sorts of other off the wall brands, but after 20 or so washes they stretch, colors fade, and they make it look like a guy with a beer belly is wearing my clothes to sleep at night when I’m not around. Now, I’m not saying that I know exactly what I’m doing when I wash my clothes, but I seperate darks and whites. I use the proper temperature water when washing. Cold for colors and hot for whites–and I don’t use bleach!

That shit still fades. Not cool. If you’re fat and you try to squeeze into a M or a L from American Apparel, you may not look all that great, but honestly… who really does look great in purple and green unitards? I’m almost unbearable in the normal fitting t-shirt and jeans.

/Timmy steps off his anti-feminist soap box

The Radioactive T-Shirt goes great with the Radioactive II Shirt, and if you have a life partner this is the shirt to get for them–especially if you’re going to try to wear them on the same day. It’ll be like the cutest thing ever.

The greatest thing about this shirt is that not only do you get the benefit of increased muscle strength times 10%, but it is personally guaranteed by the Timster to make your forearm tattoos look that much more bad-ass. That’s a promise. Pictures in our first run of print ads will surely prove that. That’s all in the works still though.

Like most of our other shirts this shirt is printed on the 2001 Fine Jersey T-Shirt from American Apparel which is apparently only for skinny people. That’s why we got a handful of size 2XL for all your large-muscled door guys and MMA fighters who like to wear our stuff. American Apparel makes the nicest shirts and we get the 50/50 Fine Jersey t-shirt because it’s in our opinion the best t-shirt on the market. Screw the fact that the models at American Apparel look like chicks from the “Call on Me” music video which predates even Master Chieftain himself. We heart AA and we’re sticking by their retro cheese fashionista ways.

I’ve provided a few high resolution images here on the site so you can get a close look at the detail you’ll be getting printed on your shirt by the fine people at Merchspin. There’s a hidden quote on this shirt from my favorite Master Debator, and it could be the subject of a secret coupon code in the coming decades, barring any nuclear disaster.