Assault Headquarters Home of mewling bat-fowling popinjay fishmongerers

Assault.it was born out of the Assault Shirts clothing line, and has since flourished into a full fledged one stop shop for all your music needs. If you like us, and our site–help us out and buy a shirt. (PS: They’re actually all awesome)

Assault.it’s sexy-party-death-squad is run by three people on a regular basis, Oswald Hobbes, Tim Toomey, and Craig Kaplowitz. They enjoy binge drinking and playing air guitar. They also enjoy writing about music, and creating compilation mix CDs. When they’re looking for a fight, they tend to argue about how much Pitchfork sucks with Cory Tendering.

Oswald Hobbes

When he’s not setting high scores on Erotic Photo Hunt at your local dive bar, Oswald Hobbes is making the world’s most micro-calibrated mix cds on his overheating laptop. He lives in Elgin, Illinois, and would like to model his writing career after Motley Crue. He’s the editor-in-chief of Assault.it and moonlights (during his rare sober hours) as a junior crimestopper for a large, anonymous retail chain.

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Third World Timmy

“Third World” Timmy is the co-owner of Assault, and resides in Chicago, IL. When he’s not designing shirts or running the Assault Shirts clothing line, he can generally be found chastising tea party members and Cub fans at any neighborhood bar on the north side. You may also find him punching you in the face in the mosh pit.

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Mr. 51%

Craig, “Mr. 51%” Kaplowitz is the other co-owner of Assault and in reality only owns 50%. If you email us, you more than likely will get a timely response from him, unless he’s too busy operating the Napa Auto empire. He currently resides in the midwest, and tends to get moved or transferred every 90 days.