In case you haven’t noticed, a lot of the people who write for Assault are what you might call “real classy guys.” We like to dress in tweed jackets, smoke pipes, and (when we’re not too busy tossing word-bombs at 30 Seconds To Mars) we sometimes even like to do a little old fashioned, rootin,’ tootin,’ straight-up creative writing. In that vein, I introduceAssault Cafe – a cozy little corner of the site where the arty-farty types can get together and share their passion for putting sentences together. For our next installment, I present Jere Pilapil’s “The Pope Case.”

(Contrary to what you see on Assault, we still have time to lovingly peruse our old music collections. With that in mind, Jere has fired up his iPod, set it to “random album” and reviewed the first three things that pop up. We call is Assault Shrapnel Reviews, where nothing is off-limits and you don’t know what’ll hit you!) This week: Prince, Derek & The Dominos, and Jerry Lee Lewis.

The second installment of Assault’s award-winning advice column. Dr. Joe Gibson is in the muthafuckin’ house!

Now that MTV has about as much to do with music as KFC has to do with Kentucky, the Internet has become our primary source for music videos. With the Internet, though, there is no filter. It’s hard to separate the wheat from the chaff. Well here, toilet dwellers, is the chaff. It’s your penance for a lifetime of sins: Music Video Hell. This week: the minimal viral masterpiece “Sittin’ On The Toilet.”

Get to know the creative side of the Assault writing team. Installment one: Jeremy Clymer remembers a simpler time for some of Gotham’s most notorious citizens.

Now that MTV has about as much to do with music as KFC has to do with Kentucky, the Internet has become our primary source for music videos. With the Internet, though, there is no filter. It’s hard to separate the wheat from the chaff. Well here, puppets and puppeteers, is the chaff. It’s your penance for a lifetime of sins: Music Video Hell. This week: the unholy terror that of the VentriloChoir.

Got a problem? This guy can solve it.

Contrary to what you see on Assault, we still have time to lovingly peruse our old music collections. With that in mind, Jere has fired up his iPod, set it to “random album” and reviewed the first three things that pop up. We call is Assault Shrapnel Reviews, where nothing is off-limits and you don’t know what’ll hit you! This week: Willie Nelson, Busta Rhymes, and The Complete Stax/Volt Singles 1959-1968.

Contrary to what you see on Assault, we still have time to lovingly peruse our old music collections. With that in mind, Jere has fired up his iPod, set it to “random album” and reviewed the first three things that pop up. We call is Assault Shrapnel Reviews, where nothing is off-limits and you don’t know what’ll hit you! This week: Elvis Costello, Hank Williams, and Jaylib.

Oswald takes you inside his Gmail inbox, which is piled high with music videos sent to him by PR companies. As the lead singer of KoRn once said, “[grunt] Are you reeeeeaaaaaddddy? [grunt]“

Contrary to what you see on Assault, we still have time to lovingly peruse our old music collections. With that in mind, Jere has fired up his iPod, set it to “random album” and reviewed the first three things that pop up. We call is Assault Shrapnel Reviews, where nothing is off-limits and you don’t know what’ll hit you!)

Dr. Joe Gibson is now taking your questions.

Hey, let’s pick on the illegal immigrants! With a shitty music video!

It’s the weekend. You want to party, but you’re not sure how, or where. Let us help.

This week Load’s features I Call Fives, The Viaducts, The Webelos, How To Destroy Angels, Balance and Composure, and Tigers Jaw. Wear a helmet.

It’s the weekend – time to drink beer and watch live music. Here’s your itinerary.

It’s that time again, when we call ‘em like we see ‘em from our ivory tower. For those without the advantage of an ivory tower, consider this your closest possible brush with greatness. Save Your Breath — Nothing Worth Having Comes Easy Welsh pop-punkers Save Your Breath do pop-punk by the book, but they do [...]

We don’t just enjoy the weekend – WE FUCKING ASSAULT IT!

Assault.it’s reliably intrepid chief music critic wastes no time mourning the loss of Lala and jumps right into bed with Rhapsody.

Consider this the Golden Corral of crushing insight: a mini-buffet of independent rock reviews, served warm.