Music Video Hell #11: Vengaboys & Perez Hilton

Now that MTV has about as much to do with music as KFC has to do with Kentucky, the Internet has become our primary source for music videos. With the Internet, though, there is no filter. It’s hard to separate the wheat from the chaff. Well here, rocketeers, is the chaff. It’s your penance for a lifetime of sins: Music Video Hell.

I don’t understand homophobia. Conservatives seem to think there is this malicious, underground movement of homosexuals that want to turn our children into sodomites and force us to wear designer clothes and get pedicures. Homosexuals aren’t any more unified or diabolically clever than heterosexuals, though. Case in point: the video for “Rocket to Uranus,” a song that is about as subtle as a cock-slap to the face. If there were some sort of poofta illuminati pulling the strings of the liberal media, wouldn’t they have been embarrassed enough to stop this video from happening? And yet Perez Hilton still has not been mysteriously assassinated by a sniper wearing assless chaps. It does not add up.

This is by far the dumbest music video I have seen all year. Given how prevalent Katy Perry has been this year, that’s quite a statement. The song, if you haven’t figured it out by now, IS ABOUT ANAL SEX. You see, they are using “Uranus” as a double-entendre, much as you may have done in your middle school astronomy class. The difference is that you moved on to funnier jokes years ago. That makes you more discerning than the Vengaboys and Perez Hilton.

“Surely there must be something else to the song besides an endless series of references to rectal invasion,” you are saying to yourself, “some deeper meaning.” No. There is a spaceship that looks like a dick and balls. There is a guy’s face appearing out of a vaguely rectal cavity in some sort of planetoid (perhaps the titular Uranus?). There is Hilton declaring, “Uranus is so pretty, it feels like home.” There is no deeper meaning. This is a shallow, unfunny, turgid song with a garish, headache-inducing, awful video.

There is a very narrow demographic that this video is appealing to: gays who are depressingly vapid and the girls who think they’re hi-lar-ious. Perez Hilton is the Stepin Fetchit of the gay community, gladly indulging in every negative stereotype ever perpetuated against homosexual men. He is also proof positive, though, that there is not some united front of sinister queers who are out to take over society. If there were, they would have secreted him off to their underground lair and beaten him to death with a giant dildo.

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About the Author

Jeremy Clymer lives in Michigan with his wife and kid. He shoots his writings out into the ethers of the Internet in the hopes that someone will pick up on his transmissions and shower him with money and/or praise.

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