Ask A Person #2

Dear A Person,

I’m really into this girl and I’ve hooked up with her a couple times but we have this fundamental level of sexual disconnect that is really freaking me out. She’s really into watersports and claims that she can’t get off without thinking about it. This sickens and repulses me in more ways than I can possibly express. Is there any way to either cure her of this crippling psychological problem or reconcile myself to the fact that she and I will remain on totally different planes, sexually speaking? Or is this really a “dealbreaker?”

Sincerely,
Urine, Gross!!!!!!

Dear U,G!!!!!

Love is a rare and beautiful thing. Once you have it, it’s important to hold onto it, and you shouldn’t let a little urine get into the way of that love. But, if it doesn’t work out, why don’t you tell your girlfriend to shoot me an email? She sounds like a straight-up freak and I’m gonna be honest with you, buddy, it would be an honor and a privilege for me to piss all over her face. Hydration, that’s the key. Hydration.

Dear A Person,

I have some pressing concerns, but limited money, can you prioritize these for me?

1. I really have a cracked windshield
2. I really want an iPod 4
3. I really need to see a doctor about my knees
4. I really want a new saw for my workshop

Sincerely,
Likes Numbered Lists

Dear LNL,

Sometimes a question comes along that defies the kind of subjective reasoning that I specialize in. Here we have 4 separate yet inextricably linked issues in this young man’s life, crying out for the kind of cold, numerical prioritization that no human advice columnist can in good conscience provide. It is in situations like these that I turn to my nuclear option, a Class I 15-Terrabyte Supercomputer known in the advice column community as “cheating.” However, I refer to it as “Ask A Quasi-Intelligence.” I fed the computer your question, LNL, and it helpfully sorted out your issues into an easy-to-understand list, in descending order of importance. Here it is:

1. I really have a cracked windshield
2. I really want an iPod 4
3. I really need to see a doctor about my knees
4. I really want a new saw for my workshop

Actually, this might be in ascending order, the computer didn’t specify. You’re welcome!

Dear A Person,

First of all, how can I access the Internet wirelessly if it’s a
series of tubes? This is very confusing. I’m also intensely worried
about the effect of radio waves on bees, you see I am an amateur
apiarists, but please don’t mention this because I do not the
necessary permits to keep bees in my country, and I would very much
like to avoid. As you can see, it is very important that I keep the
Internet (as well as all the .net, .gov, and .cat domains) as far away
from myself and my bees as possible. There is not room to name them
all, but I guarantee that I name them all and feed them individually
when it is time to pump the honey out of the stingers. Please advise
me, and if possible, send me the password for the ‘caps lock’ key, I
am unable to use my other computer until this is provided.

Sincerely,
MAKE HONEY NOT INTERNET DOT COM

Dear MHNIDC

The fuck is this?

Thanks for reading Ask A Person! If you have a question or maybe just a weird story about one of your pets, email Joe@assaultinc.com and maybe you’ll see it in a future column! Remember to include lots of information because while Dr. Gibson may be smart, he isn’t a fucking mind-reader. Thanks again!

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About the Author

Joseph Gibson has been giving advice since 1994, when one of his associates asked him who would win in a fight between Darkwing Duck and Lion-O (Darkwing Duck, obviously, but they would become friends after). He has been observing human behavior for almost as long, and thus has an aptitude for telling people what to think and how to behave. He lives somewhere betwixt the spirit and earthly worlds.

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