Ask A Person #1

July 1st, 2010 by Joe Gibson / Comment on this post

Dear A Person,

I have a bit of a family problem. I’m very close to my younger sister, and we talk on the telephone at least once or twice a week. But lately I’ve been noticing a troubling pattern in our interactions: Where before we would discuss current events or share family gossip, we now almost exclusively talk about the films and personal life of actor/Ghost Rider Nicolas Cage. It isn’t that I don’t like talking about Nicolas Cage (who doesn’t?), but I find it somewhat alarming that she seems to be so hung up on this celebrity whom she does not even know and who may be insane. Do I say something to her? Do I get her help? Does she even need help, or am I the one that does? Also, how awesome was Bad Lieutenant?

Sincerely,
At What Age Do We Learn To Knock?

Dear AWADWLTK,

First of all, congratulations on being the first advice-seeker of this brand-new column! If nothing else, this honor should give you something other than Nicolas Cage to discuss with your sister (all kidding aside, Nicolas Cage Preoccupation is a real mental disorder and is no laughing matter)! Anyway, as in the preceding parenthetical, your sister might be suffering from a tragically-unacknowledged-by-the-American-Psychological-Association mental disorder known as Nicolas Cage Preoccupation. It occurs when the brain is unable to process non-Nicolas-Cage-related information, such as, well, you know, things that aren’t about Nicolas Cage. Like, Nicolas Cage…fuck, is this contagious!? I think I read once that if you catch this early enough you can counteract it by thinking about Christian Slater really hard. My brain is my livelihood! And Bad Lieutenant was so awesome.

Dear A Person,

I recently had an argument with a close friend about whether video games can be art. He says that yes, they can be art, while I strongly contend that maybe they can be art. I value his friendship, but at the same time I wasn’t raised to back down from my convictions. Can a middle ground be reached on this, or is it “game over” for our friendship?

Sincerely,
Wishes There Was A “Reset Button” For Real Life!

Dear WTWA”RB”FRL!,

First of all, fuck you for stealing both of the puns I was going to make in my answer. These puns are not just floating in the air, you know. There is a limited number of puns. Anyway, the question of whether video games can be art or if they merely may be art is one that has ended a lot of friendships over the years. Like all important questions, there is no easy answer to this one. But my opinion on your situation is that friendship, not principled stands about video games, is the most important thing. Just remember, in friendship, there are no “power-ups!”

Dear A Person

I used to call into this raido show about cats to talk about my cats but now the show is gone and I dont have aneyone to talk to about my cats. why dont my freinds at work like to here about the time my cat eddie Murphy got into the refridgerater by mistake and ate all of the butter i had in there (I like to keep alot of butter in the house because one time i ran out of butter)? it was hialarious.

Sincerely,
Wants To Talk About Cats, Can’t.

Dear WTTAC,C,

I’m more of a dog person.

Thanks for reading the inaugural edition of Ask A Person! If you have a question or maybe just a weird story about one of your pets, email Joe@assaultinc.com and maybe you’ll see it in a future column! Remember to include lots of information because while Dr. Gibson may be smart, he isn’t a fucking mind-reader. Thanks again!

Like this post? Bookmark it!

Email to a friend

Your message has been sent!

Please enter a valid email.

Your email failed. Try again later.

About the Author

Joseph Gibson has been giving advice since 1994, when one of his associates asked him who would win in a fight between Darkwing Duck and Lion-O (Darkwing Duck, obviously, but they would become friends after). He has been observing human behavior for almost as long, and thus has an aptitude for telling people what to think and how to behave. He lives somewhere betwixt the spirit and earthly worlds.

Email this Author | All posts by Joe Gibson