Review: Meat Loaf – Hang Cool Teddy Bear

When we last left Meat Loaf – well, when the world last left Meat Loaf, it was around Bat Out of Hell II. Thousands of ironic and non-ironic plays of “I Would Do Anything for Love*” later, when I last left Meat Loaf, it was after he released Bat Out of Hell III, the misbegotten Spider-Man 3 of the Bat out of Hell trilogy (if, I dunno, Sam Raimi didn’t direct Spider-Man 3 and Brett Ratner took over – ooh! I guess it’s more like X-Men 3…. But I’ve already typed too much). So he returns, shedding the bat marketing, but not the bat sound, at least, as it existed on Bat III.

This means everything is big. BIG. Full of metallic guitars, backing vocalists, collaborators (apparently Dr. House plays piano or something on this thing somewhere? Whuddup!?), but inevitably it can’t come near capturing the magic of his masterworks. One thing Meat Loaf’s non-Jim Steinman collaborators miss is that there are some great ballads on Bat Out of Hell to take a breath between the great overblown operatic rockers. Yes, you got “Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth,” but you also got the tender “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad” and “Heaven Can Wait.” So on Bat III and Hang Cool Teddy Bear, you get rocker after rocker, as inflated as they can be, but ther’s little soul or even breathing space to the proceeding. To some extent, a Meat Loaf album is an invitation to be as ridiculous as possible, but “ridiculous” is not an invitation to pour all your ideas into every minute of every song.

It doesn’t help at all – and I stress, at all – that time is not on the performer’s side. His voice is wavering. It struggles to reach the power of his youth, to retain the “Meat Loaf sound,” and it’s rather sad. At the same time, that very sound is something that, like hair metal (hey, Nikki Sixx is up in here, too, what a surprise…), maybe ages better than its performer. It’s one thing to be a newcomer singing these songs about teenage love, where the emotions are as big as a man’s pipes can handle, and every chance to get laid is worth the desperation of a “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.” It’s a whole other ballpark to consider the ravages of time, as Aday does in the closing “Elvis in Vegas.” The opening “Peace on Earth” (complete with big “I. DON’T. WAAANT. PEACE. ON. EARTH!” chorus) sounds airy and desperate in a bad way. Vocally, he strains to lend the song some gravitas; he can’t quite do it.

Not all is lost, though. The Justin Hawkins-penned “California Isn’t Big Enough” is thrilling, and the Kara Dioguardi ballad “If I Can’t Have You” holds up. The attitude present – a kind of determination – is contagious, even if the music doesnt’t quite match it. “Los Angeloser” retains a cool bounce to it, despite some cheesy moments and an unfortunate title. But it’s lighter and doesn’t strive so hard to evoke our memories of what Meat Loaf used to be. It’s the kind of work that fits his voice now.

Maybe everyone involved is preoccupied trying to make a “Meat Loaf” album here; an album as bold and underlined as they come, rather thaun focusing on good songs and performances. Hang Cool Teddy Bear lacks the effortless abandon of the first two Bat albums, which balanced out the pompous routine by making it fun. It’s a dispiriting enough album that I look at Rod Stewart and think they should switch careers. Rod should be trying to recapture former glories – old guys and folk rock go together well. Meat Loaf should try out standards or calming down a bit. There’s more dignity in that.

*Don’t ever let anybody tell you “I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)” never specifies what “that” is. It’s one of my pet peeves – that song has verses, dammit. “That” is actually a lot of things. The more you know.

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Jere is not from Chicago. Nor is he from Parts Unknown. But he sure loves to hear things. Follow him on Twitter!

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