Oswald Assaults The Grammy Winners

February 1st, 2010 by Oswald Hobbes / Comment on this post

This morning I woke up, logged in to Twitter, and saw my boy Third World T pimping his rant about the Grammys, and I thought to myself, “Holy shit, I missed the Grammys again!” Last year I actually planned to watch because Radiohead were doing some thing with a marching band and, in order to appear smart, I claim loyal allegiance to the Thom Yorke superfan club. But I was foiled in my attempts by really shitty satellite service in the snow-fucked wasteland of North Dakota. This year I just plum forgot – nobody told me the music industry would be jerking off for four hours on public television! Honestly, I’m not that sorry I missed it (I’ll start watching, maybe, when they use some of that crazy Avatar technology so I can feel like I’m jerking off, too – and it wouldn’t hurt if some actual splooge shot through the TV and directly into my eye), but I found a list of the winners, and now I’m gonna make fun of them because I’m jealous that I’ll never be as pretty as Taylor Swift. Here we go:

Taylor Motherfuckin' Swift

Album Of The Year: Taylor Swift, Fearless — Not too much shit to talk on this one, as I enjoy Ms. Swift’s awkwardly earnest teenage love songs and kind of wish they reflected my experience as a teenager. She loses cred points for dating a Jonas AND that douchewolf from Twilight, but she’s still pretty young. Was Fearless truly the album of the year? I don’t know – it had a couple really big singles and you could frame a semi-valid argument for it as the kind of big communal listening experience that everyone on the internet constantly decries the death of, but honestly I don’t think that many people with brains purchased it. Semi-Fail.

Best Female Pop Vocal: Beyonce, “Halo” — Don’t worry, I won’t even try to front on Beyonce. She’s a bad, bad bitch, and “Halo” was good enough for me to include on a “death metal” mixed CD I burned for Mr. 51% this summer (that disc, funnily enough, also included a couple Taylor Swift songs, so…go me, I guess?) and also to have as a ringtone on my cellular telephone for a good three or four months. Beyonce sings the shit out of everything and she’s a beautiful, fearless woman whom I greatly admire. Say what you want, but it’s hard to find a better pure singer than Beyonce. Win.

Best Rap/Sung Collaboration: Jay-Z, Rhianna, and Kanye West, “Run This Town” — Alright, this was my jam for a brief period in the fall, but I was abusing a lot of different substances at that time. Honestly this beat is pretty garbage, the sound of Kanye coasting, and Jay’s verse is even weaker. Rhianna’s OK but I’ve had about enough of her at this point, and the pictures of her jet-skiing with Chris Brown at P. Diddy’s mansion kind of killed the crazy sympathy I had for her. Kanye murders his verse, but that’s to be expected, and furthermore I don’t think it’s a good idea to give that dude any awards at this point. The Keri Hilson song was way better, but I don’t think this should even be a category. Fail.

Best Rock Albums: Green Day, 21st Century Breakdown — And here is where I really get upset. I’m not saying that I care who wins a Grammy, but truth be told a lot of people watch the broadcast, and when you throw a steaming pile of shit like Breakdown out there as the “best” rock disc of the year, it makes all of us rock dudes look like fucking mouth-breathers. Green Day have hit that point in their career where dying in a plane crash wouldn’t necessarily be a bad move, as they’re apparently intent on rehashing the mild glory of American Idiot and turning it into some kind of ridiculous counter-culture brand. I’ve had it with their suits and their make-up and their bombastic odes to the most generic form of rebellion imaginable, and in no way was this even a decent rock album, let alone the best. How about we give Billie Joe Armstrong an award when he stops cannibalizing his own fucking songs? The funniest part is these guys have a Rock Band game coming this year – that’s kinda gonna let the cat out of the bag that all of these songs are built from the same three or four parts and then dumped into a blender set on “overblown shit” until they’re ready for the Transformers 4 soundtrack. Fuck Green Day, and fuck all the other bands nominated for this category (especially Dave Matthews Band – not even hardcore Davers liked that fucking record). Ultimate Fail!

Best Pop Vocal Album: The Black-Eyed Peas, The E.N.D. — These guys are, by far, the stupidest humans ever to boom boom pow, but I did like that one song about partying. It’s pretty much pointless to hate on BEP at this point; they’re a runaway train of absolute brainlessness that nobody can hope to stop. And I can’t really think of a different pop album that I would like to see win. In my book it’s better to be fun and idiotic than just idiotic (like the rest of the nominees in this category) although I will say that that Pink CD had some righteous hooks on it. That might have been a better choice, but trying to parse the nuances of “pop” music is like trying to form a credible argument that the crack you’re smoking right now is in some way technically “superior” to the shit you smoked last night. If it feels good, don’t sweat it too hard. Semi-Fail

Record Of The Year: Kings Of Leon, “Use Somebody” — As somebody who genuinely enjoys the unhinged inbred-punk madness of the first two KOL records, I have a hard time bashing them now that they’re a world-beating, private jet rock band. But the fact remains that “Use Somebody” is their worst song and sounds like it was created deliberately for the soundtrack of primetime NBC dramas. I’m happy that these guys finally broke through, but couldn’t they have gotten nominated for “Sex On Fire”? That was, by far, the best song about blowjobs released this year. Semi-Win.

Best Comedy Record: Stephen Colbert, A Colbert Christimas: The Greatest Gift of All! — I love Colbert, but this shit should’ve been Patton Oswalt’s – his latest disc, My Weakness Is Strong, cements without any doubt his status as the funniest dude in America, and it would’ve showed a little more “edge” on the Grammys’ part. But, like I said, I’m down with Colbert, too. Mostly just disappointed that MY comedy album, Pump The Brakes!, wasn’t even nominated. Bittersweet Win.

Best New Artist: Zac Brown Band — Considering none of the artists nominated were legitimately “new” in 2009, who gives a shit? But congratulations, Zac Brown Band – you will now promptly fall off the face of the planet and never be heard from again. (Not like anybody with a brain listened to your music in the first place. Isn’t this the fucker who sings about fried chicken? The only person I’d want to sing a song about that particular subject is maybe Tracy Morgan, and I would only enjoy it ironically.) Fail.

Best Dance Recording: Lady Gaga, “Poker Face” — Personally I prefer both “Bad Romance” and “Paparazzi,” but this isn’t a bad choice over all. I don’t know if this is what hardcore dance-heads listen to (I’m thinking, not so much) but Gaga is at least somewhat interesting, although her recent appearance on Oprah made me hate her a little. Why do celebrities pretend that Oprah is the pope? As far-fetched as this may seem, she’s actually worse than the pope, and she should be beaten to death with a bag of her own fat. Win.

Best Country Album: Taylor Swift, Fearless — I don’t really have a horse in this particular race, but Taylor Swift is about as not-country as you can get while still showing up on the country charts. Didn’t Alan Jackson do anything in 2009? That guy should win every year, regardless of whether he releases a new disc. Semi-Win.

Best Alternative Music Album: Phoenix, Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix — This is legitimately shocking – Phoenix released the best disc I heard last year, and they actually won a mainstream award for it. Not to belittle their accomplishment (which, being the suave French bastards they are, they probably don’t give a tin shit about), but pickings were apparently so slim for this category that a fucking five-song Death Cab For Cutie EP scored a nomination. Oh, and Depeche Mode! Depeche fucking Mode! I like Violator as much as the next dude, but I defy you to actually listen to the last Depeche Mode CD. Make it past track three and I’ll give you a handjob; you earned it. Ultimate Win!

Best Metal Performance: Judas Priest, “Dissident Aggressor” — Judas Priest? Really? I think somebody forgot to notify the Grammys that this is 2010, and nobody gives a shit what the fifty-year old weirdos in Judas Priest are cranking out. I mean, who even buys a new Judas Priest CD? I could understand them winning if the category was Best Metal Song To Get Regular Rotation in Downmarket Leather Bars, but come on. Mastodon wasn’t even fucking nominated! And they made a brain-exploding opus about astral projection and Rasputin! Fail.

OK, those are all the categories that I even borderline care about, so this concludes my coverage of the Grammys. All opinions expressed are also the opinions of Third World Timmy and Mr. 51%, so feel free to spread the flames around if you disagree with me about some of these people dying horrifically violent deaths.